By now, we’ve probably forgotten all about the most boring season of The Bachelorette in franchise history (sorry, Becca). And after a difficult time dumping our fave (and Raven’s BFF) Tia in Paradise, it was revealed that COLTON (the former footballer turned kids’ charity founder slash virgin) will be the next lead. Not Jason, Not Blake, Not Ben Higgins, Not Wills, but Colton. I swear, I’m not bitter or anything… Whatever, I’m fine, I’m fine…

Now, that we are less than one month away from the January premiere, ABC has dropped the names, headshot, and bios about the 30 women vying for Colton’s heart, or just to take his V-card. Honestly, it’s probably 50-50. Or, more likely, to become Insta B-listers with a little blue checkmark to solidify their Fab Fit Fun and gummy hair vitamin endorsement deals.

So, now let’s go through my first impressions and judgements of these women who’ve voluntarily chosen to appear on this reality show. Let’s get started, and to be frank, I had plenty to say and judge when first reading through these, that and I was bored. Yawn.

Alex B.

• She’s 29, so decent age, of someone ready to get married.
• She’s a dog rescuer, like for real, so that’s cool. And something she and Colton can bond over,
• Mouth.

 

 

Alex D.

• She’s 23, which speaking as a 23-year-old, is she truly ready for marriage?? Because like I’m personally a long ways off. Maybe I just don’t get it. Whatever.
• Her career is listed as a “sloth” for some reason… So, that is her intro to Colton I’m guessing?
• Very into New England region. Apparently that’s all there is to her.

 

Angelique

• Age 28, works in marketing sales, from New Jersey = average.
• Seems friendly enough.

 

 

 

Annie

• Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
• Country girl raised on a farm. Now in finance in the Big Apple.
• Was she the girl that left Colton and ranted about him on Snapchat?? So, spoilers, don’t put her in her Bach bracket at the end..

 

 

Bri

• The 24-year-old model from Cali, is more than just a pretty face. Oh, I’m sorry, Barbie, is it?
• Her biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. Um, ok?? (BTW, I’m crying laughing reading this.) And as one recap already pointed out, is a silent-yet-deadly one ok then?? Real questions.

 

 

Caelynn

• Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
• This young lady won Miss North Carolina 2018, and has a past with another contestant, Miss Alabama. Drama? Obviously, because they battled for the same crown. And here they are battling for the same prize Colton once more.
• She’s not just a beauty queen… she flew to Japan once for a first date… Oh, has she been on The Bachelor before? (I know, I know, I’m not the first, and certainly not the last to make that joke, but if the shoe fits.)

Caitlin

• The Toronto-based 25-year-old realtor seems likable and normal.
• Chris Harrison compared her to fan-fave Kaitlyn Bristowe, so those are some big shoes to fill, Caitlin.

 

 

 

Cassie

• Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
• She’s a speech pathologist, but her bio still says completing her degree. Um, consistency?
• However, she wants to work with kids using her degree, so mazel tov, and I hope that can happen for you. Truly.

 

 

Catherine

• First off, there is no way she’s 26. She’s gotta be older.
• Strong Krystal vibes. Including that Chris Harrison called her a villain. Hmmm.
• She’s “DJ Agro” in Ft. Lauderdale, um def, villain vibes.
• Next.

 

 

Courtney

• Another 23-year-old! OK, so considering Colton is 26, 23 isn’t too young, it’s just to me personally, it seems very young, considering you barely know who you are at that age and what you want to do.
• She’s a caterer hoping “she has the recipe for love” with Colton, man, the ABC producers get cheesier and cheesier.

 

 

Demi

• Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
• Texas country girl.
• Her bio says “keep an eye on this one??” Is that a spoiler or just that she has big eyes??? Real questions.
• I feel like she’s going to go far.

 

 

Devin

• Another 23-year-old! However, she has a Masters degree, mazel.
• She likes yoga, and eh, it’s fine.

 

 

 

 

Elyse

• At 31, she’s definitely the eldest.
• Originally from Alaska (is that a first from the show?), she now resides in Scottsdale— does she know Arie?? I have a feeling that A-word will be brought up this season.

 

 

Erika

• She’s “The Nut.” Enough said.
• Also, her talent is “being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” F U. Also, you won’t be winning over America with that line.

 

 

 

Erin

• Her career is listed as “Cinderella,” which her bio completely backs up. Um, so entrance?
• Also, she loves PSL. HAHAHAHA, I’m cackling by now.

 

 

 

Hannah B.

• Another 23-year-old!
• The 2018 Miss Alabama, who has a past with Miss North Carolina Caelynn, apparently bleeds Alabama. How many Roll Tide references will we get this season?

 

 

Hannah G.

• Another 23-year-old!
• Also from Alabama, the “content creator,” which is her real career listed, “plans photo shoots for her next posts.” So, she’s so ready for the Instagram endorsements to roll in.
• Is content creator code for unemployed? But like in a nice way?
• She likes glamping, so puhlease producers put her on a down-and-dirty date. Like Corinne with the cow dung shoveling date. I’m cackling just thinking about what could be.

Heather

• She’s 22, so similar to my thoughts on the 23-year-olds.
• Her career is “never been kissed,” which feels mean to call out. I mean, Colton’s career wasn’t virgin last year! That’s an unfair double standard.
• Giving me strong Kendall vibes from last year.

 

 

Adrianne “Jane”

• Her name is Adrianne, but she goes by Jane. And she’s categorized alphabetically with the J’s. How does one go from Adrianne to Jane? Is it like Jane Doe? Is she in Witness Protection? I have so many questions.
• She’s a social worker, so mazel tov on helping others.
• She seems nice and friendly, it’s just the name thing.

 

 

Katie

• Meh, nothing interesting to report or joke about.

 

 

 

 

Kirpa

• She looks like Shushanna from years past on the show.
• Eh, I have a feeling she won’t stay past day one or two.

 

 

 

Laura

• She wants moved to Spain “on a whim.” Why? and Why did she move back? Producers dig deeper with these bios.
• But, YAWN.

 

 

 

Nicole

• She looks familiar. No idea who she resembles though.
• She hails from Havana. Ooh Na Na.
• She seems like a younger, female version of Rachel’s love Bryan.

 

 

 

Nina

• Geez, that’s a sad back story.
• She’s watched The Bachelor with her mom and grandma for years, so her career could be “Superfan,” right???

 

 

 

Onyeka

• Mmm, k. This is Onyeka. Of which I don’t know how to pronounce your name.

 

 

 

 

Revian

• Her name reminds me of Evian and Revlon.
• Her career is listed as nurse but in her bio, it says she’s an esthetician, which are two very different jobs. Does she not know what she does??

 

 

 

Sydney

• She seems very normal, which is a low bar for the show, which means I like her already.
• It seems to be the “never” season: she’s never had a boyfriend, Kendall 2.0 has never been kissed, and Colton is a virgin. Hmmm, purposeful?
• I’d put her far in my Bach bracket, for this season, for Paradise, for Bachelorette running.

 

 

Tahzjuan

• Not going to attempt to pronounce her name. I just hope Chris Harrison or Colton do not butcher it.
• She has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas,” so that explains why she’s on this reality dating show. Oh, how I love to tease.

 

 

Tayshia

• She’s a phlebotomist and likes to volunteer. Seems nice and normal. No word on how long she’ll last, unfortunately, because I like her: she has purpose and drive.
• We’ve come a long way from our beauty queens and content creators. Literally, we are in the Ts. But does Colton want a self-sufficient, successful girl or one who will settle for the career title of wife?

 

 

Tracy

• I feel like she’ll be involved in drama this season.

 

 

 

 

It feels like a sea of girls who all look the same. Give Colton the strength to remember which one is which, because I’m already lost.

This season seems very boring. But, will I still be watching, obviously. Will I, like Colton, feel the desire to fling myself over a fence to escape this? Likely.