One thing y’all know about me is that I’m a sucker for a good reality TV show, and the trashier the better. It’s a guilty pleasure, I’m not even guilty about. Upon seeing the trailer for Netflix’s latest foray into the dating reality TV game, Too Hot to Handle, it immediately looked bad — but in a way that I definitely needed to watch. And so I did. Oh boy, did I. And, um, it was A LOT. But instead of recapping what y’all missed, I thought I’d give my unfiltered and unapologetically honest first impressions and opinions of this series. Because, hey, it’s what I do and what I like.
First off, here’s the official trailer of the new show, from the streaming service that brought you Love is Blind.
So, keep reading for a list of all my random musings and thoughts I had while watching this trashy dating show starring beautiful people, places, and accents. I watched it so you don’t have to, and here’s what happened.
- Slow-mo beach/pool shots of beautiful people in swimsuits, OK, this is just like Love Island.
- They found “the hottest, horniest, commit-phobic swipesters,” like this is a real quote from the narrator.
- The resort is essentially run by a Siri or Alexa-type called Lana. Lana quietly and secretly gathers intel on the guests without their knowledge, how creepy.
- Essex girl Chloe is like every girl I’ve ever seen in all six seasons of Love Island.
- The are all like 20 years old; babies! Basically, there’s an air of immaturity around the lot.
- Sharron openly admitted that he’s most proud of his manhood, which, um, is the size of an air freshener. Which like, ew, we didn’t want to know that. (Hey, it’s been four minutes! Geez!)
- I can already tell Haley is going to be annoying: She has a tattoo in another language that she doesn’t know what it means and can’t stop doing her sorority chant. Just please stop.
- Within 5 minutes, I already can tell it is a pure dumpster fire. Like it’s so bad, but I just can’t look away.
- OK but seriously, Love Island and the entire Bachelor franchise both look classier than this. Which is saying a lot because people are making out and hooking up in like every episode.
- Did Harry just call the girls quesadillas? Like the food? Um. And then naughty possums? Creep alert.
- Most of them are models and influencers, of course. One dude (the Jesus lookalike) was even on America’s Next Top Model once upon a time, like obviously none of them are here for the right reasons.
- It’s just so ridiculous, but I just can’t look away.
- David walks into bars, whips his top off, and that works for him? I’d give him serious side-eye, like what the heck, that’s so unsanitary.
- OK Haley doesn’t know were Australia is. Like, I just. And yet, she’s in college??
- This show is rapidly decreasing my interest in dating as it continues to prove that men are The Worst and just trash even more. This song just gets me right now.
- One thing that really, really bugs me is that the lower thirds are inconsistent. It bothers me. For the US contestants, it says the state and USA, but international kids get their city and country code. For example, “Colorado, USA” or “New Jersey, USA” are not in the same style as “Essex, UK” or “Cork, Ireland.” Like, Colorado and New Jersey are states, and Essex and Cork are cities not states.
- There’s no way “Kelz” is his given name. Come on, please gimme a backstory and the real information.
- Harry is awful and not even the least bit cute. Like, how is he a hot commodity? Surely, it’s just the accent??
- This show is over the top and trash, but I can’t stop watching. OK, I’m in it and invested completely, just like the streaming service’s The Circle.
- Even the bedroom decor looks like it was inspired by Love Island meets the beachy vibes and palapas of Bachelor in Paradise.
- I cannot stand Francesca and Haley. These two girls are fake fake fake and snooty bullies and I do not like watching them on my TV screen.
- Real question: Considering this is an international show, how would these potential intercontinental relationships work on the outside? Like, I need follow-ups.
- Seriously, point deductions already? Can’t you keep it in your pants? You just met and there’s a cash prize on the line.
- How did the casting team find these people? They are all the absolute worst.
- Can’t touch, can’t kiss? Huh, seems like good practice for quarantine. Welcome to our new world!
- It’s truly mind-boggling, like, I just cannot.
- Rhonda’s nails are like talons. How is that comfortable?
- I swear, David’s only move seems to be applying sunscreen to girls. Like, no, please don’t touch me, we just met.
- The boys are flirting with Lana, who is a computer. Like, quite childish?
- Matthew and David don’t know a single man that’s gone a month without sexual practices? Um, welcome to quarantine life as singles, hun. LOL.
- Chloe is funny and my instant favorite. “Think of your nan” is my new favorite quote from one of these shows. Hahahaha.
- Like how is this hard? Girls, just avoid the temptation: don’t shave your legs, don’t put on makeup, cover up your bikinis. You have all the tools, use it. When there’s a giant sum of money on the line, wouldn’t it be worth it?
- This lot cannot even go two 12 minutes without breaking the rules. Like seriously?
- With each kiss worth $3,000 each, surely they are going to wind up with like $50 each??
- Ok, I keep forgetting that Nicole is there. Oof, girl does nothing. #freeholiday #unproblematic
- Ick, Harry is the worst. Why is he lying and pinning it all on Francesca. Boy, you’re canceled.
- Haley and Francesca must not be worried about money or financial obligations if they decide to break the rules out of revenge to intentionally drag the pot down without a care in the world. Like how selfish and immature are you?
- I’m watching these humans tie each other up. Oy, what is TV anymore?
- Sharron was so happy the truth came out that he and Rhonda didn’t break the rules that he says he “feels like OJ.” Um yea, I don’t know if I’d go down that route, yikes.
- LOLOL, Bryce joining the crew as a late arrival with no knowledge, then finding out immediately from the rest of the participants, oh it’s a priceless look.
- Lana reading out an itemized bill of infractions to the group is so savage.
- Poor Chloe, she keeps wasting money on kisses with boys whom she doesn’t fancy. Poor girl.
- Boys are learning to be vulnerable by covering each other in mud? Ummmm ok? Oh and then running across the garden with wooden spears? A weird version of Braveheart or something that I didn’t expect.
- Why is Bryce sleeping on the floor? Like, hun, you could share a bed with a friend, make a pillow wall, sleep on the couch in the living room or the outdoor bed. Why the floor?
- Banter! Banter! Banter! I like a bit of banter myself (it’s the Anglophile in me) but like no one has it? They just keep saying that’s what they like???
- Ooh poor David, he is so sunburnt. Yikes, that’s got to majorly hurt.
- Like Harry and Francesca, are you the least bit remorseful about costing the group $20,000? A bit selfish, huh?
- The girls take part in an empowerment workshop. Great, love it, we stan women being strong and independent. But, doing so by um taking a mirror up to their *ahem* yoni and then painting an artistic portrait of it? Yea, it’s a lot. Not even Love Island has gone there!
- Wait, Rhonda has a son? And she waited until the penultimate episode to reveal it to anyone? Like, wouldn’t you mention that in your voiceover? To your boyfriend? Someone, anyone?
- Oh, so y’all are putting faith in the couple who’s lost more than $30,000 to not touch at all for a whole night in the private suite. Oy. But seriously, you better stay six feet apart. Hey, it’s good quarantine practice.
- I get for suspense they wanted it to seem like one couple or whatnot would get the final prize, but it was obvious based on how the whole show was set up that everyone would get a piece of the fund. And Francesca’s smug face when it was just her and her beau standing, ugh. So selfish and snooty. Nope. Then, her face when Sharron was next to stand up and then, everyone else? Like, huh, karma hun, that’s what you get for being so mean-spirited and arrogant.
- This was filmed a year ago. How many of them are still together? (Or at least attempted to last outside the resort.) Come on, Netflix, gimme the tea and a reunion like now.
Wow, that was truly trash and sleazy. But like, wow, it’s addictive.
By now, we’ve probably forgotten all about the most boring season of The Bachelorette in franchise history (sorry, Becca). And after a difficult time dumping our fave (and Raven’s BFF) Tia in Paradise, it was revealed that COLTON (the former footballer turned kids’ charity founder slash virgin) will be the next lead. Not Jason, Not Blake, Not Ben Higgins, Not Wills, but Colton. I swear, I’m not bitter or anything… Whatever, I’m fine, I’m fine…
Now, that we are less than one month away from the January premiere, ABC has dropped the names, headshot, and bios about the 30 women vying for Colton’s heart, or just to take his V-card. Honestly, it’s probably 50-50. Or, more likely, to become Insta B-listers with a little blue checkmark to solidify their Fab Fit Fun and gummy hair vitamin endorsement deals.
So, now let’s go through my first impressions and judgements of these women who’ve voluntarily chosen to appear on this reality show. Let’s get started, and to be frank, I had plenty to say and judge when first reading through these, that and I was bored. Yawn.
- She’s 29, so decent age, of someone ready to get married.
- She’s a dog rescuer, like for real, so that’s cool. And something she and Colton can bond over,
- She’s 23, which speaking as a 23-year-old, is she truly ready for marriage?? Because like I’m personally a long ways off. Maybe I just don’t get it. Whatever.
- Her career is listed as a “sloth” for some reason… So, that is her intro to Colton I’m guessing?
- Very into New England region. Apparently that’s all there is to her.
- Age 28, works in marketing sales, from New Jersey = average.
- Seems friendly enough.
- Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
- Country girl raised on a farm. Now in finance in the Big Apple.
- Was she the girl that left Colton and ranted about him on Snapchat?? So, spoilers, don’t put her in her Bach bracket at the end..
- The 24-year-old model from Cali, is more than just a pretty face. Oh, I’m sorry, Barbie, is it?
- Her biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. Um, ok?? (BTW, I’m crying laughing reading this.) And as one recap already pointed out, is a silent-yet-deadly one ok then?? Real questions.
- Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
- This young lady won Miss North Carolina 2018, and has a past with another contestant, Miss Alabama. Drama? Obviously, because they battled for the same crown. And here they are battling for the same
prize Colton once more.
- She’s not just a beauty queen… she flew to Japan once for a first date… Oh, has she been on The Bachelor before? (I know, I know, I’m not the first, and certainly not the last to make that joke, but if the shoe fits.)
- The Toronto-based 25-year-old realtor seems likable and normal.
- Chris Harrison compared her to fan-fave Kaitlyn Bristowe, so those are some big shoes to fill, Caitlin.
- Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
- She’s a speech pathologist, but her bio still says completing her degree. Um, consistency?
- However, she wants to work with kids using her degree, so mazel tov, and I hope that can happen for you. Truly.
- First off, there is no way she’s 26. She’s gotta be older.
- Strong Krystal vibes. Including that Chris Harrison called her a villain. Hmmm.
- She’s “DJ Agro” in Ft. Lauderdale, um def, villain vibes.
- Another 23-year-old! OK, so considering Colton is 26, 23 isn’t too young, it’s just to me personally, it seems very young, considering you barely know who you are at that age and what you want to do.
- She’s a caterer hoping “she has the recipe for love” with Colton, man, the ABC producers get cheesier and cheesier.
- Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
- Texas country girl.
- Her bio says “keep an eye on this one??” Is that a spoiler or just that she has big eyes??? Real questions.
- I feel like she’s going to go far.
- Another 23-year-old! However, she has a Masters degree, mazel.
- She likes yoga, and eh, it’s fine.
- At 31, she’s definitely the eldest.
- Originally from Alaska (is that a first from the show?), she now resides in Scottsdale— does she know Arie?? I have a feeling that A-word will be brought up this season.
- She’s “The Nut.” Enough said.
- Also, her talent is “being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” F U. Also, you won’t be winning over America with that line.
- Her career is listed as “Cinderella,” which her bio completely backs up. Um, so entrance?
- Also, she loves PSL. HAHAHAHA, I’m cackling by now.
- Another 23-year-old!
- The 2018 Miss Alabama, who has a past with Miss North Carolina Caelynn, apparently bleeds Alabama. How many Roll Tide references will we get this season?
- Another 23-year-old!
- Also from Alabama, the “content creator,” which is her real career listed, “plans photo shoots for her next posts.” So, she’s so ready for the Instagram endorsements to roll in.
- Is content creator code for unemployed? But like in a nice way?
- She likes glamping, so puhlease producers put her on a down-and-dirty date. Like Corinne with the cow dung shoveling date. I’m cackling just thinking about what could be.
- She’s 22, so similar to my thoughts on the 23-year-olds.
- Her career is “never been kissed,” which feels mean to call out. I mean, Colton’s career wasn’t virgin last year! That’s an unfair double standard.
- Giving me strong Kendall vibes from last year.
- Her name is Adrianne, but she goes by Jane. And she’s categorized alphabetically with the J’s. How does one go from Adrianne to Jane? Is it like Jane Doe? Is she in Witness Protection? I have so many questions.
- She’s a social worker, so mazel tov on helping others.
- She seems nice and friendly, it’s just the name thing.
- Meh, nothing interesting to report or joke about.
- She looks like Shushanna from years past on the show.
- Eh, I have a feeling she won’t stay past day one or two.
- She wants moved to Spain “on a whim.” Why? and Why did she move back? Producers dig deeper with these bios.
- But, YAWN.
- She looks familiar. No idea who she resembles though.
- She hails from Havana. Ooh Na Na.
- She seems like a younger, female version of Rachel’s love Bryan.
- Geez, that’s a sad back story.
- She’s watched The Bachelor with her mom and grandma for years, so her career could be “Superfan,” right???
- Mmm, k. This is Onyeka. Of which I don’t know how to pronounce your name.
- Her name reminds me of Evian and Revlon.
- Her career is listed as nurse but in her bio, it says she’s an esthetician, which are two very different jobs. Does she not know what she does??
- She seems very normal, which is a low bar for the show, which means I like her already.
- It seems to be the “never” season: she’s never had a boyfriend, Kendall 2.0 has never been kissed, and Colton is a virgin. Hmmm, purposeful?
- I’d put her far in my Bach bracket, for this season, for Paradise, for Bachelorette running.
- Not going to attempt to pronounce her name. I just hope Chris Harrison or Colton do not butcher it.
- She has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas,” so that explains why she’s on this reality dating show. Oh, how I love to tease.
- She’s a phlebotomist and likes to volunteer. Seems nice and normal. No word on how long she’ll last, unfortunately, because I like her: she has purpose and drive.
- We’ve come a long way from our beauty queens and content creators. Literally, we are in the Ts. But does Colton want a self-sufficient, successful girl or one who will settle for the career title of wife?
- I feel like she’ll be involved in drama this season.
It feels like a sea of girls who all look the same. Give Colton the strength to remember which one is which, because I’m already lost.
This season seems very boring. But, will I still be watching, obviously. Will I, like Colton, feel the desire to fling myself over a fence to escape this? Likely.
Who says you can’t find love on camera?
In honor of “The Bachelorette” finale tonight, where #BachelorNation will finally learn the mystery identity of Rachel Lindsey’s fiance, I thought I’d run down the *cutest* moments where “The Bachelor,” “Bachelorette,” and “Bachelor in Paradise” stars actually found love (and said yes) on a reality show (seems crazy, no?).
Trista and Ryan Sutter
The OG Bachelorette and her chosen suitor are still going strong, most recently have celebrated over ten years of marriage and two children together, Max and Blakesley. Talk about Bachelor legends!
Jason and Molly Mesnick
While Molly wasn’t the recipient of the Final Rose, she did get a fantasy proposal on ATFR and they’ve lived as a happy family in Seattle with his son from a previous marriage and their daughter together Riley.
Ashley and J.P. Rosenbaum
Ashley was first seen on the train wreck that was Brad Womack’s second try as The Bachelor. But luckily for J.P., that didn’t work out for her and next season she was chosen as The Bachelorette where she finally got her happy ending with J.P. Completing their ABC journey with a televised wedding and a baby gender reveal on the Men Tell All, this family of four remains just as cute as when J.P. first greeted his now-wife outside the mansion, this time with little ones Ford and Essie.
Sean and Catherine Lowe
Perhaps one of *the* best Bachelors in the history of the show, Sean and wife Catherine Giudici continue to be just as adorable as their ABC wedding special, as evidenced on their Instagram pages as a family of three, with cute baby Samuel.
Desiree and Chris Siegfried
One of my personal favorite Bachelor couples would have to be Des and Chris. They just seemed so full of love during her season (once you look past all the Brooks drama) and it seems that hasn’t wavered a day, especially after welcoming their son Asher during the Bachelor Baby Boom a year back.
Kaitlyn Bristowe and Shawn Booth
I rooted for Shawn B from the get-go of the “two Bachelorettes” season! His connection with Kaitlyn just seemed so effortless. #RelationshipGoals While they have yet to tie the knot, the Nashville-based couple are still engaged(hey, the Neil Lane diamond is officially hers by now!), but my gosh, are they so adorable together.
Jade and Tanner Tolbert
After a disastrous first season of “Paradise,” that didn’t boast any [real] marriages or relationships to come of the Mexican spinoff, Round 2 had much better luck. From episode one, it was evident there was something between Jade from Chris Soules’ season and Tanner from Kaitlyn’s season. Even without many official dates, these two coupled up pretty quickly, so it was only fitting that their season ended in an engagement. And now, this married couple continues to be just as adorable on social media as they prepare for their daughter’s birth soon.
JoJo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers
During JoJo’s season, we saw her fall hard for the famous football player’s younger brother from night one. While they remain engaged, the couple is still cute and goofy together.
Carly Waddell and Evan Bass
In “Paradise” last year, the singer from Chris Soules’ season unexpectedly found love with the “ED expert” Evan from JoJo’s season. Which, I know, WHAT. Carly went from literally throwing up after their hot pepper first kiss to “boarding the Evan train” once again after a brief trip to a Mexican hospital. We as audience members went from cringing at his failed attempts to woo the two-time Paradise contender. But somehow he did. And, so gosh darn cute together. And in a few weeks time, we’ll see their wedding play out on season four of “Paradise.”
Annnnddd… as of yesterday, Waddell and Bass just announced an exciting addition!
More next-gen Bachelor Nation playdates to come??
Rachel Lindsey + Fiance???
Obviously, we don’t know who the attorney accepted a proposal from (well, I have my hunches… And a Bachelor bracket I’d really like to get correct.), but in the meantime doing press, Rachel seems SO in love. Which is great for her, and I’m happy about. (I’ll be even happier if it means my Bachelor bracket is correct, just saying…)
I love seeing all these happy couples in love. It gives hope that, hey, maybe you can find love on a TV show??
Many members of #BachelorNation host premier viewing parties every Monday night (complete with roses, fantasy league brackets, and wine, lots of wine.), but one specific viewing party has to be THE best.
NFL players (these guys get paid to slam other people around for sport, mind you) are actually big ole softies. Case in point: The Baltimore Ravens players host a Bachelorette viewing party weekly, as they posted on Facebook.
Here’s the video in its entirety:
While watching the ultimate guilty pleasure reality show first was a joke, these men quickly were captivated by the programming and made watching a weekly thing.
We’d love to be a fly on the wall at their party every week! (Sure beats my bed and takeout for sure!)
[h/t Entertainment Weekly]