My Immediate Reactions After Watching Netflix’s ‘Too Hot to Handle’ Series

One thing y’all know about me is that I’m a sucker for a good reality TV show, and the trashier the better. It’s a guilty pleasure, I’m not even guilty about. Upon seeing the trailer for Netflix’s latest foray into the dating reality TV game, Too Hot to Handle, it immediately looked bad — but in a way that I definitely needed to watch. And so I did. Oh boy, did I. And, um, it was A LOT. But instead of recapping what y’all missed, I thought I’d give my unfiltered and unapologetically honest first impressions and opinions of this series. Because, hey, it’s what I do and what I like.

First off, here’s the official trailer of the new show, from the streaming service that brought you Love is Blind.

So, keep reading for a list of all my random musings and thoughts I had while watching this trashy dating show starring beautiful people, places, and accents. I watched it so you don’t have to, and here’s what happened.

  1. Slow-mo beach/pool shots of beautiful people in swimsuits, OK, this is just like Love Island.
  2. They found “the hottest, horniest, commit-phobic swipesters,” like this is a real quote from the narrator.
  3. The resort is essentially run by a Siri or Alexa-type called Lana. Lana quietly and secretly gathers intel on the guests without their knowledge, how creepy.
  4. Essex girl Chloe is like every girl I’ve ever seen in all six seasons of Love Island.
  5. The are all like 20 years old; babies! Basically, there’s an air of immaturity around the lot.
  6. Sharron openly admitted that he’s most proud of his manhood, which, um, is the size of an air freshener. Which like, ew, we didn’t want to know that. (Hey, it’s been four minutes! Geez!)
  7. I can already tell Haley is going to be annoying: She has a tattoo in another language that she doesn’t know what it means and can’t stop doing her sorority chant. Just please stop.
  8. Within 5 minutes, I already can tell it is a pure dumpster fire. Like it’s so bad, but I just can’t look away.
  9. OK but seriously, Love Island and the entire Bachelor franchise both look classier than this. Which is saying a lot because people are making out and hooking up in like every episode.
  10. Did Harry just call the girls quesadillas? Like the food? Um. And then naughty possums? Creep alert.
  11. Most of them are models and influencers, of course. One dude (the Jesus lookalike) was even on America’s Next Top Model once upon a time, like obviously none of them are here for the right reasons.
  12. It’s just so ridiculous, but I just can’t look away.
  13. David walks into bars, whips his top off, and that works for him? I’d give him serious side-eye, like what the heck, that’s so unsanitary.
  14. OK Haley doesn’t know were Australia is. Like, I just. And yet, she’s in college??
  15. This show is rapidly decreasing my interest in dating as it continues to prove that men are The Worst and just trash even more. This song just gets me right now.
  16. One thing that really, really bugs me is that the lower thirds are inconsistent. It bothers me. For the US contestants, it says the state and USA, but international kids get their city and country code. For example, “Colorado, USA” or “New Jersey, USA” are not in the same style as “Essex, UK” or “Cork, Ireland.” Like, Colorado and New Jersey are states, and Essex and Cork are cities not states.
  17. There’s no way “Kelz” is his given name. Come on, please gimme a backstory and the real information.
  18. Harry is awful and not even the least bit cute. Like, how is he a hot commodity? Surely, it’s just the accent??
  19. This show is over the top and trash, but I can’t stop watching. OK, I’m in it and invested completely, just like the streaming service’s The Circle.
  20. Even the bedroom decor looks like it was inspired by Love Island meets the beachy vibes and palapas of Bachelor in Paradise.
  21. I cannot stand Francesca and Haley. These two girls are fake fake fake and snooty bullies and I do not like watching them on my TV screen.
  22. Real question: Considering this is an international show, how would these potential intercontinental relationships work on the outside? Like, I need follow-ups.
  23. Seriously, point deductions already? Can’t you keep it in your pants? You just met and there’s a cash prize on the line.
  24. How did the casting team find these people? They are all the absolute worst.
  25. Can’t touch, can’t kiss? Huh, seems like good practice for quarantine. Welcome to our new world!
  26. It’s truly mind-boggling, like, I just cannot.
  27. Rhonda’s nails are like talons. How is that comfortable?
  28. I swear, David’s only move seems to be applying sunscreen to girls. Like, no, please don’t touch me, we just met.
  29. The boys are flirting with Lana, who is a computer. Like, quite childish?
  30. Matthew and David don’t know a single man that’s gone a month without sexual practices? Um, welcome to quarantine life as singles, hun. LOL.
  31. Chloe is funny and my instant favorite. “Think of your nan” is my new favorite quote from one of these shows. Hahahaha.
  32. Like how is this hard? Girls, just avoid the temptation: don’t shave your legs, don’t put on makeup, cover up your bikinis. You have all the tools, use it. When there’s a giant sum of money on the line, wouldn’t it be worth it?
  33. This lot cannot even go two 12 minutes without breaking the rules. Like seriously?
  34. With each kiss worth $3,000 each, surely they are going to wind up with like $50 each??
  35. Ok, I keep forgetting that Nicole is there. Oof, girl does nothing. #freeholiday #unproblematic
  36. Ick, Harry is the worst. Why is he lying and pinning it all on Francesca. Boy, you’re canceled.
  37. Haley and Francesca must not be worried about money or financial obligations if they decide to break the rules out of revenge to intentionally drag the pot down without a care in the world. Like how selfish and immature are you?
  38. I’m watching these humans tie each other up. Oy, what is TV anymore?
  39. Sharron was so happy the truth came out that he and Rhonda didn’t break the rules that he says he “feels like OJ.” Um yea, I don’t know if I’d go down that route, yikes.
  40. LOLOL, Bryce joining the crew as a late arrival with no knowledge, then finding out immediately from the rest of the participants, oh it’s a priceless look.
  41. Lana reading out an itemized bill of infractions to the group is so savage.
  42. Poor Chloe, she keeps wasting money on kisses with boys whom she doesn’t fancy. Poor girl.
  43. Boys are learning to be vulnerable by covering each other in mud? Ummmm ok? Oh and then running across the garden with wooden spears? A weird version of Braveheart or something that I didn’t expect.
  44. Why is Bryce sleeping on the floor? Like, hun, you could share a bed with a friend, make a pillow wall, sleep on the couch in the living room or the outdoor bed. Why the floor?
  45. Banter! Banter! Banter! I like a bit of banter myself (it’s the Anglophile in me) but like no one has it? They just keep saying that’s what they like???
  46. Ooh poor David, he is so sunburnt. Yikes, that’s got to majorly hurt.
  47. Like Harry and Francesca, are you the least bit remorseful about costing the group $20,000? A bit selfish, huh?
  48. The girls take part in an empowerment workshop. Great, love it, we stan women being strong and independent. But, doing so by um taking a mirror up to their *ahem* yoni and then painting an artistic portrait of it? Yea, it’s a lot. Not even Love Island has gone there!
  49. Wait, Rhonda has a son? And she waited until the penultimate episode to reveal it to anyone? Like, wouldn’t you mention that in your voiceover? To your boyfriend? Someone, anyone?
  50. Oh, so y’all are putting faith in the couple who’s lost more than $30,000 to not touch at all for a whole night in the private suite. Oy. But seriously, you better stay six feet apart. Hey, it’s good quarantine practice.
  51. I get for suspense they wanted it to seem like one couple or whatnot would get the final prize, but it was obvious based on how the whole show was set up that everyone would get a piece of the fund. And Francesca’s smug face when it was just her and her beau standing, ugh. So selfish and snooty. Nope. Then, her face when Sharron was next to stand up and then, everyone else? Like, huh, karma hun, that’s what you get for being so mean-spirited and arrogant.
  52. This was filmed a year ago. How many of them are still together? (Or at least attempted to last outside the resort.) Come on, Netflix, gimme the tea and a reunion like now.

Wow, that was truly trash and sleazy. But like, wow, it’s addictive.

Listening to My Gut and Critiquing the Cast of ‘Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart’

The Bachelor is getting musical, y’all. Well, technically, they always have been based on who goes on this show but now they are fully embracing that with their latest spin-off, The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart. 

After the garbage fire that was Pilot Pete’s season (which I stopped watching after episode 2, sorry not sorry) and the shitstorm that is the anxiety-ridden news right now, we need something mindless to lift our spirits. Luckily, ABC is here to do that with the new spin-off, premiering this April. On the show, the cast will *cough cough* journey to find love through musically themed, romantic dates.

Before the show debuts, the network has released the official cast bios for the aspiring musicians, and true to form, I’m here to give my authentic (and likely snarky) first thoughts.

So, it’s time to listen to my heart gut (see what I did there?) and meet the cast.


Bekah, 25

Genre: Musical theater

OMG, finally us musical theater nerds get a bit of representation! According to her bio, she follows her dreams professionally where things are going well, in sharp contrast to her love life. Sound right on par for most contestants.

Can We Just: She hopped a fence, with her mother, to attempt to see Kim Kardashian’s house. And admitted that out loud? Saying she’s never been on a date, sure that’s fair considering the history of this show. But um ok then??


Brandon, 34

Genre: American folk pop

Gasp, someone over the age of 30! He’s a veteran who has found solace in music, so I feel like I can’t be too negative since that’s so lovely.

Can We Just: He once opened for Jason Derulo in Times Square. How? I wanna know more, Derulo’s a sharp contrast from folk-type music.

 


Bri, 28

Genre: Pop

She seems like a hopeless romantic, blah blah blah, how very sugary sweet.

Can We Just: Gluten allergy? That’s your fun fact?

 

 


Cheyenne, 23

Genre: R&B

Look, we have our baby of the class! She wants to find someone with “strong masculine energy,” okie dokie, good luck with that, hun.

Can We Just: LOL, her fun fact is that she’s never been to a nightclub before. Well, sure that tracks, she’s only been legal and able to get in for less than two years.


Chris, 30

Genre: Soul

Paging Adam Sandler, because we’ve got a wedding singer here! Blah blah, he’s passionate to pursue his musical dreams.

Can We Just: Nothing to report here, he seems normal and even used to work for UNICEF, participating in mission trips globally.

 


Danny, 26

Genre: Singer-songwriter

Yea, that tracks based on his headshot. Wow, he has 1 million online followers. What, is that supposed to impress me? Or any girl looking for love? Like, he just looks like he has heartbreak written all over him. Nope, just nope.

Can We Just: He beatboxes too. Pass.

 

 


Gabe, 28

Genre: Soul/ folk

An all-american, Texas boy walks into the mansion… and that’s all I have so far.

Can We Just: Custom stationary. Can I get proof??? (LOL, I love papers, I wanna see!!)

 


Jack, 38

Genre: Country

Yee-haw, how long did it take to find a country artist for this show?? OK, he’s a single father who is looking for a partner to share a future with. That’s nice.

Can We Just: He “has a necklace tattoo in case he ever forgets his real necklace.” No.


Jamie, 21

Genre: Pop country

Scratch what I said earlier, she is our baby of the class! Sweet and fun-loving, apparently, but I get Hannah Ann vibes here. Gulp, here we go again.

Can We Just: The only thing she wants is for a guy to serenade her. That’s it? All you want, sweetie?

 


Josh, 31

Genre: Country and pop

Meh. Divorced, lives in Nashville, trying to make it. I feel like I’ve heard this one before.

Can We Just: Singing. Uber. Driver.

 

 


Julia, 27

Genre: Pop

Could they only find girls that were pop singers or something??

Can We Just: “She cannot wait to meet her husband!” Wow, a little strong there?

 


Mariana, 23

Genre: R&B and pop

Apparently she looks sweet, but has some spice. Oy, that means drama is coming. Ladies, best not stand in her way when it comes to a guy she likes.

Can We Just: Meh, nothing that interesting here.

 


Matt, 32

Genre: Neo-soul

What a shock, he caught “the bug” when we was young and moved to LA.

Can We Just: His “longest relationship has been with his beard.” I just.

 

 


Mel, 27

Genre: Indie rock

She dislikes the modern dating world and dating apps, which, don’t we all, hun. Don’t we all.

Can We Just: She “used to skip class to watch John Mayer videos,” which like, you couldn’t do that after or before classes??

 


Michael Todd, 31

Genre: Singer-songwriter

You know, he’s got a brand to consider when we get his full name. Didja know, he has a single that’s gotten 100,000+ plays on Spotify? Definitely here for his brand. Oy, please tell me he’s not another Jed; I won’t make it the full season!

Can We Just: “The man with two first names” is “the life of the party.” Blech, pass.


Natascha, 33

Genre: Pop

An international pop star, huh? Can you match the success of one Lizzie McGuire and Isabella duo??

Can We Just: She named one of her dogs “Frou Frou.” No joke.

 

 


Ruby, 25

Genre: Indie pop

Country girl, fiddle player, meh nothing else to report.

Can We Just: She’s “performed for all five living U.S. presidents.” Um, my dear, that is what we call a humble brag.

 


Rudi, 24

Genre: R&B and pop

Her hobby is napping, well, you got me there. Naps are great. Just ask Corinne.

Can We Just: “She knows that she has a crazy side,” and she’s volunteering that information to prospective dates and the whole world?

 


Russell, 26

Genre: American folk

An Indiana boy who moved to the Big Apple to pursue his dreams. Very typical.

Can We Just: He’s a knife-throwing instructor. Seriously, don’t wanna get on his bad side.

 


Alright, there you have it, folks. Well, see ya in April, Bach Nation, as we see if this can live up to the Bachelor hype we’ve come to love to hate.

Judging This Year’s “Bachelor” Contestants, Part III

Guess what’s back, back again?? That’s right: my (now annual) Bachelor cast commentaries, because it’s my favorite part of the whole series. Have at my sarcasm and snark in all its glory…

First things first, ABC is promoting the hit reality show’s return as “Janu-Arie.” *cue the groans* I mean, are we really surprised? No. Who remembers how Ben H was a “perfect Ben” like a “perfect 10?” *eye roll here*

The Bachelor:

Arie Luyendyk Jr, some six years after his first appearance on the franchise (Emily Maynard’s season of the Bachelorette, 2012), returns to find love after having his heart broken on national television.

When ABC first announced their casting choice, while many had no clue who this older guy was (likely because they didn’t watch early seasons or that he’s not social media active, typically a staple of contestants these days). But, I did. I remember LOVING Emily’s season (and making my mom send me weekly recaps while I was at camp. True story.), and Arie’s buddy slash former Bachelor Sean Lowe.

Back in the day, I didn’t know how to feel about the “kissing bandit” Arie. I did like him and he seemed genuine, however, I was unsure if Emily could look past his occupation as a racer driver given her late fiance’s profession. Evidently, she did, until she couldn’t and chose Jef (with one F) instead, which we all know didn’t last long.

I do applaud ABC’s choice of Arie: getting back to the show’s roots that made it successful,getting away from these new faux-celebrities that the contenders all strive to be after the show ends (ugh.), and not choosing a Bachelor that wouldn’t give them the happy ending they crave for the show (cough cough, Peter.) Ok, rant over.

The Women:

The 27-year-old Oklahoma-based personal stylist seems normal, down-to-earth and sweet.

Ok first, the name “Amber” is like a red flag name for the mean popular blonde cheerleader girl everyone hated in high school (or high school centric movies).

Aside from that, the 29-year-old business owner (which idk if it’s real or “real” like Corinne who worked for Daddy’s business) seems basic. But her answer to “which fictional character would you be:” she said, “Ariel because she’s a beautiful mermaid that can sing and gets to marry Prince Eric, what a stud.” So, so she cares about looks and a handsome guy? Ughhhh. To compare, Ali (from above) said she’d be the empowering Wonder Woman. Ok, so I’m over Amber.

She’s 32! We got an age-appropriate one for Arie! That’s like a Bachelor unicorn! Anyway, the event planner seems normal.

The 25-year-old real estate agent also gives normal answers. Case in point: Her least favorite household chore: “LAUNDRY! Takes me a whole week from washing to folding and putting it all away.” I mean, relatable. *she types, staring at the laundry basket full of clean clothes sitting at the foot of her bed for at least a week.*

Becca K has some big eyes. Wowza. Ok moving on, the 27-year-old publicist really likes Sister Act 2. Not the first one, the sequel. As in she mentioned it twice. How the heck does Sister Act 2 come up twice naturally in conversation??? Legit curious.

Bekah M- NO AGE LISTED ON HER BIO- is a nanny. Ok, circling back: why didn’t she list her age? Like what? How did no one ask her? Or why didn’t she volunteer it when you volunteered to go on a nationally televised dating show? Apparently it’s a storyline for the show? Well, she did say she likes to be the center of attention. Well, huh. She does look SUPER young. Like if you are that young, are you really ready to marry a 36-year-old man?

First off, what type of name is Bibiana? One she says she enjoys popping her pimples. *throwing up in my mouth a little* And she gave this answer to the following question, Would you consider yourself a lover of art? “Yes, Wish I could be art.” WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? You wish you could be art? That’s an answer to if you like art? Bibiana, can you please explain? I’m so confused. So, banking her as the crazy girl this season.

Bri looks like a model or pageant girl or something; think Courtney R the model-villain from Ben F’s season. Yuck. Ohhh, she’s a sports reporter AND won an Emmy. Ok, you shut me up. Keep doing your thing.

Meh, normal.

Brittany #2: normal. Also her answer to where she meets guys: “I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” Yea, that’s about right, lol.

She looks like a normal human! (I’m sorry, but The Bachelor has a low bar for people that are real humans with jobs, paychecks, health insurance, and real thoughts).

Why does she need to specify she’s a “real estate” executive assistant? Hint: the title is enough, we don’t really need the industry too.

COOL JOB ALERT: “I work for a psychiatry research lab. It’s important experience before getting a Ph.D. in chemical psychology. My career is very important to me.” Good for you, girl, good for you. *applause* And please for the love of all that is good in this world, please don’t quit your job post-show to hawk fit teas and hair vitamins on Instagram, please.

Beauty pageant girl? Wait, she looks like Emily Maynard!!! Ohhhh, how will Arie react to that? Hmmmm. Stay tuned.

Ok, how come legit every girl’s favorite movie is “Crazy Stupid Love????” I mean, I love a rom-com as much as the next girl, but come on, even I have to admit that one is far from an Oscar winner or a film classic.

Oh great, a bloody TV host. Like she’s really honestly here for the right reasons??

She’s the weird girl, remember that. Her best gift she’s received? ” My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.” What?!?! Um Arie, back away slowly…

She’s a fitness coach named Krystal? I’m gonna guess she’ll start some fights and cause some drama?

Oh no, what did we do to deserve another blonde Lauren B??? Noo, wasn’t it enough that Ben H picked the first blonde, boring Lauren B on his season? Now, we have to go through this all over again??

Normal, seems nice.

“Recent Masters Graduate,” soooo unemployed? I mean kudos on your degree, but let’s just call it what it is, shall we?

I repeat, there are FOUR Laurens! New record! There’s no way Arie can remember to keep these four straight; good luck Arie. This Lauren is super basic. Wow. Also in response to: How much do you enjoy the theater? She said, “Love it. If I got to see Hamilton, I’d die.” Because “Hamilton” is the only piece of theater out there. (Hey Lauren, need tips? Just check out this blog or my Instagram page and I’ll teach you all about theater.)

How is this pronounced? Is it like Raquel with an M or what? Also, she’s 23. How in the world are you ready to settle down and get married at 23. Like I’m around that age and that is utterly mind boggling, because there’s no way I’m ready to get married at this point in my life? Like really? Ok, rant over.

Meh, average.

30. Orthopedic nurse. Seems strong. Like this contestant.

Another 23-year-old! Is she really ready for marriage? Like seriously? Legit curious. Oh dear god, her favorite book. You guessed it folks, “50 Shades of Grey.” Dear god. This is for national TV, you couldn’t just say a classic or anything that resembles actual literature?

Seems normal, sweet-looking.

The Arkansas native is poised to be this season’s Raven. And I’m ok with that, since Raven was hilarious and so sweet.

Meh, no strong feelings here.

Well, ok I made it through the cast list. PHEW, that’s done! I’m sorry if that was a lot snarkier than in the past, these were my gut first reactions to their photos and bios. And hopefully these women prove me wrong come Janu-Arie (I know, I know. And I’m sorry about that.) 1st when the show returns.

Is this too judgmental?– Analyzing this year’s crop of Bachelorette contestants

As you may know about me by now, my guilty pleasure (if you can call it “guilty”) is all things reality TV, especially it’s holy grail The BachelorThe Bachelorette.

And recently, ABC has released photos and bios of the 26 men competing for the chance to date (and eventually propose to) this season’s Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher, who many will remember as the second woman Bachelor Ben Higgins said he loved and then promptly dumped to pick her competition, Lauren B.

And since #BachelorNation (me included) pretty much just watched the show to judge contestants and to see the insane drama, I thought I’d start with a post all about my first impressions of the men, straight from their ABC bio pages, exclusively.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 2.45.24 PM

The obligatory group shot! Trying hard to figure out which outfit to judge harder: the santa suit or the guy that decided to steal JoJo’s look– and stand right next to her so they look like twins??

Let’s start analyzing her guys:

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.02.20 PM Alex: 25-year-old U.S. Marine (good, noble career), seems normal, like a good guy.

Prediction: should make it pretty far, but probably will tragically get cut for not getting his fair time, so Chris Harrison will likely ship him out to Mexico for the next installment of Bachelor in Paradise, much like Tanner (1/2 of Janner).

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.02.38 PMAli: 27-year-old bartender (so not a totally stable career), also how do you pronounce his name (is it Ah-lee? or Ali? Is he Prince Ali aka Aladdin??), AND if the first words that follow “I love it when my date” is “dresses sexy,” PLEASE move along– you don’t want a woman who’s firstly intelligent, humorous, sweet, kind, generous, or one of a million better descriptions?

Prediction: there a few solid weeks at least?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.02.42 PM Brandon: the 28-year-old who listed his career as “hipster.” No joke. Well, he does have that vibe down…

Prediction: First or second night exit limo??

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.02.49 PM Chad: Right off the bat, I’m thinking this guy will be an uber-jerk and trouble. I mean, isn’t the name “Chad” such a red-flag name? Not mention the name of JoJo’s still-into-her ex-boyfriend from Ben’s season. Case in point from his bio, he answered THREE separate questions the exact same: Who do you admire most in the world and why? “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” and “If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.”

Prediction: For some unknown, JoJo will probably keep him around through international dates, you know for ratings. But if he’s bugging me now with a photo, a name and answers to written questions- I’m over him.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.02.55 PM Chase: He just looks like a good guy. Like you can tell the 27-year-old sales rep respects women, is there for the right reasons and is ready to settle down. #TeamChase for the final rose.

Prediction: My ideal Bachelor bracket would probably have him at the end.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.01 PM Christian: Seems pretty cookie-cutter. His bucket list answer is sweet, though: ” 1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.”

Prediction: He’s probably only there as the “diverse” contestant. Am I close, Bachelor producers?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.07 PM First off, what type of name is “Coley??” And second, odd-shaped head. (Hey, I warned you this is all purely my first impressions!! Raw.) Meh, nothing really sticks out.

Prediction: Middle of the pack? Or third elimination?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.13 PM Derek: Well, he looks like most every past Bachelorette contestant, right?!? Seems average, but one question: who has a deep fear of “fluffy kittens??” Red flag on that one, dude. #TeamDerek please.

Prediction: Should make it pretty far and will likely get eliminated for not having enough time, before being sent by Chris Harrison to meet Ben Higgins’ reject in Paradise in August…

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.19 PM Daniel: He looks like a male model or at least a bartender. Please tell me I’m right. –And yes I am. His answers make me take an immediate disliking to him. Case in point: Tattoos? “No, same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo” AND Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? “Very comfortable. Why have a lamb if you park in the garage?” Cocky much, dude? Hard pass on this guy.

Prediction: He’ll make it at least halfway and cause all the drama for being “better looking than the rest,” similar to JJ from Kaitlyn’s season.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.26 PM Evan: Oh, his career is—- “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” Ohhhhkayyyyyy…… How’d he explain on television? Just curious. Remember Kaitlyn’s “Amateur Sex Coach” didn’t advance past night one… Also, he said he’s want to be Trump for the day “to see what the heck is in that guy’s head.” Okay?? And his favorite type of dancing is “booty???” (As if I knew what that really was.) And how is “being in touch with [your] sexual energy” an answer to Are You a Romantic? *backing away slowly*

Prediction: Fifth guy to get the boot?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.32 PM Grant: The firefighter at first glance is definitely physically attractive. Point one to him. His answers are sweet and cute… I mean his greatest achievement in life is “saving a life.” No, duh– he’s a fireman.

Prediction: Again, the diversity guy, but he’ll probably last the longest of all the diverse guys, TBH.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.37 PM Jake: He answered Where do you see yourself in five years? with “Married to the Bachelorette with our first child.” JoJo, run away fast! He’s already thinking marriage to YOU before you even meet– huge red flag.

Prediction: Another diversity candidate who probably won’t last long, TBH. (Not that I think diversity is bad, I’m basing my predictions based on the past seasons of the show.)

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.43 PM James #1 (fine, F.): Looks like a poor man’s Farmer Chris Soules. Right?? (Might just be the shirt, but I’m not quite sure.) Answers: meh.

Prediction: Middle of the pack?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.49 PM James #2 (I mean, S.): His occupation is literally listed as “Bachelor Superfan!!” Literally. Which is code for unemployed, am I right? Also, JoJo– red flag alert! If he’s a superfan, how do you know he’s not here just for the sake of being here??

Prediction: Night 3 going home.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.03.54 PM James #3 (Oh, Taylor. Why does he get to go by both names?): If he’s not a singer-songwriter with that name… And shocker, of course he is.. And, for the love of God, his favorite flower is a “red rose…” Oh, please be kidding.

Prediction: Will make it the farthest of all the James. Middle of the pack? International Date 1?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.03 PM Jonathan: Eh. Not standing out.

Prediction: Won’t make it out of L.A., if past the first night at all.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.08 PM Jordan: The most publicized contender as a former pro football player and the younger brother of a professional NFL’er. (Don’t you dare ask me who. You’re lucky I know quarterback is in football, which is the NFL.) Cutest answer of who he admires: “My grandparents. They broke the mold after their generation. They are the most loving people and best example of love and selflessness.” Bonus point for that.

Prediction: Oh, he’ll go international for those dates, for sure, perhaps even to hometowns…

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.12 PM Luke: If he’s not a male model…. Unclear, but he is a war veteran, so how could producers mess with his image? (EASILY. Just ask Jubilee from Ben’s season, which I’m still not over.) But his photo is giving him “villain” status… You know I’m right…

Prediction: Middle of the pack?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.22 PM Nick #1: (Oh, I’m sorry B.): Seriously another one who’s favorite flowers are the “red roses [he’ll] received from the Bachelorette???” Over that.

Prediction: Middle of the pack, absolutely. Boring, so he’ll probably make it through L.A. and make the first U.S. destination?

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.28 PMNick #2 (Okay, S.): Reading very college frat boy in this picture to me. Has some sweet answers, and he’s obviously a decent person if he’s an Eagle Scout, but if that, a high school accomplishment, is the greatest achievement to date for a 26-year-old, that might be sad…

Prediction: He’ll make it abroad, but won’t make it to hometowns.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.34 PM Peter: Ehhhh…. Note for Peter: saying your greatest achievement is being “promoted at every job” makes you look a little cocky, in my opinion.

Prediction: He’ll at least stay through L.A. weeks.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.42 PM Robby: He’s a former competitive swimmer, so he’s unemployed now? But, yea, he definitely has the swimmer vibe, oh that’s just his hair. Seems very sweet, but looks almost too perfect/ too good to be reality?

Prediction: Hometowns at least.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.47 PM Sal: Nothing sticks out here. Totally an Average Joe.

Prediction: He can’t get passed night one.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.52 PM Vinny: If the first thing I thought of when reading your name is “Jersey Shore,” that’s not good, buddy. Seems like a “bro.” Pass.

Prediction: Leaves on one of the first two nights.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.04.57 PM Wells: First, what type of name is Wells? Is that a real name? Did his parents happen to like wells or they had one at home? I’m more interested in how he got that name… Oh, is it a DJ nickname? If that’s the case: red flag– nicknamed guys never fare well. And how do you not like pizza????

Prediction: Leaves on second or third night.

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 3.05.02 PM Lastly, Will: looks very average for a Bachelorette contestant. Answers fine.

Prediction: Middle of the pack?

So, there’s some keepers, some to toss out immediately and some middle-ground guys. What are your thoughts and this season’s crop of contenders? Will JoJo find her dream husband here? Should be an interesting season, you know I’ll be watching.

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