One thing y’all know about me is that I’m a sucker for a good reality TV show, and the trashier the better. It’s a guilty pleasure, I’m not even guilty about. Upon seeing the trailer for Netflix’s latest foray into the dating reality TV game, Too Hot to Handle, it immediately looked bad — but in a way that I definitely needed to watch. And so I did. Oh boy, did I. And, um, it was A LOT. But instead of recapping what y’all missed, I thought I’d give my unfiltered and unapologetically honest first impressions and opinions of this series. Because, hey, it’s what I do and what I like.

First off, here’s the official trailer of the new show, from the streaming service that brought you Love is Blind.

So, keep reading for a list of all my random musings and thoughts I had while watching this trashy dating show starring beautiful people, places, and accents. I watched it so you don’t have to, and here’s what happened.

1. Slow-mo beach/pool shots of beautiful people in swimsuits, OK, this is just like Love Island.
2. They found “the hottest, horniest, commit-phobic swipesters,” like this is a real quote from the narrator.
3. The resort is essentially run by a Siri or Alexa-type called Lana. Lana quietly and secretly gathers intel on the guests without their knowledge, how creepy.
4. Essex girl Chloe is like every girl I’ve ever seen in all six seasons of Love Island.
5. The are all like 20 years old; babies! Basically, there’s an air of immaturity around the lot.
6. Sharron openly admitted that he’s most proud of his manhood, which, um, is the size of an air freshener. Which like, ew, we didn’t want to know that. (Hey, it’s been four minutes! Geez!)
7. I can already tell Haley is going to be annoying: She has a tattoo in another language that she doesn’t know what it means and can’t stop doing her sorority chant. Just please stop.
8. Within 5 minutes, I already can tell it is a pure dumpster fire. Like it’s so bad, but I just can’t look away.
9. OK but seriously, Love Island and the entire Bachelor franchise both look classier than this. Which is saying a lot because people are making out and hooking up in like every episode.
10. Did Harry just call the girls quesadillas? Like the food? Um. And then naughty possums? Creep alert.
11. Most of them are models and influencers, of course. One dude (the Jesus lookalike) was even on America’s Next Top Model once upon a time, like obviously none of them are here for the right reasons.
12. It’s just so ridiculous, but I just can’t look away.
13. David walks into bars, whips his top off, and that works for him? I’d give him serious side-eye, like what the heck, that’s so unsanitary.
14. OK Haley doesn’t know were Australia is. Like, I just. And yet, she’s in college??
15. This show is rapidly decreasing my interest in dating as it continues to prove that men are The Worst and just trash even more. This song just gets me right now.
16. One thing that really, really bugs me is that the lower thirds are inconsistent. It bothers me. For the US contestants, it says the state and USA, but international kids get their city and country code. For example, “Colorado, USA” or “New Jersey, USA” are not in the same style as “Essex, UK” or “Cork, Ireland.” Like, Colorado and New Jersey are states, and Essex and Cork are cities not states.
17. There’s no way “Kelz” is his given name. Come on, please gimme a backstory and the real information.
18. Harry is awful and not even the least bit cute. Like, how is he a hot commodity? Surely, it’s just the accent??
19. This show is over the top and trash, but I can’t stop watching. OK, I’m in it and invested completely, just like the streaming service’s The Circle.
20. Even the bedroom decor looks like it was inspired by Love Island meets the beachy vibes and palapas of Bachelor in Paradise.
21. I cannot stand Francesca and Haley. These two girls are fake fake fake and snooty bullies and I do not like watching them on my TV screen.
22. Real question: Considering this is an international show, how would these potential intercontinental relationships work on the outside? Like, I need follow-ups.
23. Seriously, point deductions already? Can’t you keep it in your pants? You just met and there’s a cash prize on the line.
24. How did the casting team find these people? They are all the absolute worst.
25. Can’t touch, can’t kiss? Huh, seems like good practice for quarantine. Welcome to our new world!
26. It’s truly mind-boggling, like, I just cannot.
27. Rhonda’s nails are like talons. How is that comfortable?
28. I swear, David’s only move seems to be applying sunscreen to girls. Like, no, please don’t touch me, we just met.
29. The boys are flirting with Lana, who is a computer. Like, quite childish?
30. Matthew and David don’t know a single man that’s gone a month without sexual practices? Um, welcome to quarantine life as singles, hun. LOL.
31. Chloe is funny and my instant favorite. “Think of your nan” is my new favorite quote from one of these shows. Hahahaha.
32. Like how is this hard? Girls, just avoid the temptation: don’t shave your legs, don’t put on makeup, cover up your bikinis. You have all the tools, use it. When there’s a giant sum of money on the line, wouldn’t it be worth it?
33. This lot cannot even go two 12 minutes without breaking the rules. Like seriously?
34. With each kiss worth $3,000 each, surely they are going to wind up with like $50 each??
35. Ok, I keep forgetting that Nicole is there. Oof, girl does nothing. #freeholiday #unproblematic
36. Ick, Harry is the worst. Why is he lying and pinning it all on Francesca. Boy, you’re canceled.
37. Haley and Francesca must not be worried about money or financial obligations if they decide to break the rules out of revenge to intentionally drag the pot down without a care in the world. Like how selfish and immature are you?
38. I’m watching these humans tie each other up. Oy, what is TV anymore?
39. Sharron was so happy the truth came out that he and Rhonda didn’t break the rules that he says he “feels like OJ.” Um yea, I don’t know if I’d go down that route, yikes.
40. LOLOL, Bryce joining the crew as a late arrival with no knowledge, then finding out immediately from the rest of the participants, oh it’s a priceless look.
41. Lana reading out an itemized bill of infractions to the group is so savage.
42. Poor Chloe, she keeps wasting money on kisses with boys whom she doesn’t fancy. Poor girl.
43. Boys are learning to be vulnerable by covering each other in mud? Ummmm ok? Oh and then running across the garden with wooden spears? A weird version of Braveheart or something that I didn’t expect.
44. Why is Bryce sleeping on the floor? Like, hun, you could share a bed with a friend, make a pillow wall, sleep on the couch in the living room or the outdoor bed. Why the floor?
45. Banter! Banter! Banter! I like a bit of banter myself (it’s the Anglophile in me) but like no one has it? They just keep saying that’s what they like???
46. Ooh poor David, he is so sunburnt. Yikes, that’s got to majorly hurt.
47. Like Harry and Francesca, are you the least bit remorseful about costing the group $20,000? A bit selfish, huh?
48. The girls take part in an empowerment workshop. Great, love it, we stan women being strong and independent. But, doing so by um taking a mirror up to their *ahem* yoni and then painting an artistic portrait of it? Yea, it’s a lot. Not even Love Island has gone there!
49. Wait, Rhonda has a son? And she waited until the penultimate episode to reveal it to anyone? Like, wouldn’t you mention that in your voiceover? To your boyfriend? Someone, anyone?
50. Oh, so y’all are putting faith in the couple who’s lost more than $30,000 to not touch at all for a whole night in the private suite. Oy. But seriously, you better stay six feet apart. Hey, it’s good quarantine practice.
51. I get for suspense they wanted it to seem like one couple or whatnot would get the final prize, but it was obvious based on how the whole show was set up that everyone would get a piece of the fund. And Francesca’s smug face when it was just her and her beau standing, ugh. So selfish and snooty. Nope. Then, her face when Sharron was next to stand up and then, everyone else? Like, huh, karma hun, that’s what you get for being so mean-spirited and arrogant.
52. This was filmed a year ago. How many of them are still together? (Or at least attempted to last outside the resort.) Come on, Netflix, gimme the tea and a reunion like now.

Wow, that was truly trash and sleazy. But like, wow, it’s addictive.