My First Impressions on 40 Women Who May Date Matt James on ‘The Bachelor’

Yes, you read that correctly. Just a week before we started Clare’s (er, and Tayshia’s? Maybe? Who knows?) Bach journey on TV, the reality TV juggernaut dropped a handful of 40-plus women who may end up vying for the first black Bachelor’s (the extremely eligible nonprofit founder and former footballer Matt James) affections on TV next year.

So, per tradition, I’m back on this blog to dig into my first impressions, and all I can hope and pray that the producers did, like for Clare, bring us more relatable, diverse, and right-reasons people. Now, that producers have granted us access to the names, ages, hometowns, and headshots of these future influencers in training, let my first impressions blog post commence. Obviously, I’ll be basing this post off of first impressions from a photo and whatever info I can Google about each lady for now. But, once we get closer to a premiere and get an official bio and some fast facts from the network, this post may be amended to include more up-to-date deets that they’ll tell us.

Abigail, 25

A bit young on the age scale, but this Salem, Oregon native is giving me all sorts of wholesome vibes. Also, that picture looks like it was definitely her graduation photoshoot from college.

She lives in Portland and works in finance.

 

 

 

 

 


Alana, 26

Hailing from San Antonio, Texas, I get serious Victoria Fuller vibes from the trainwreck that was Pilot Pete’s season.

She supports BLM, so she has a soul. That’s good to know.

 

 

 

 

 


Alicia, 24

She’s from Morgantown, West Virginia, and definitely is on the younger age bracket of Matt’s contenders. Like, the cropped sweater, wrist scrunchie, and leopard belt all illustrate that. (She said, typing this while she had a scrunchie on her own wrist.)

She’s a professional ballerina, no, for real. So cool!

 

 

 

 


Amber, 30

Right off the bat, we’re starting off strong in the appropriate age bracket with this Rialto, California lady. From what I can see, she definitely looks like a model slash wannabe influencer with the long blonde locks, big lips, that one-hand-in-her-hair pose, cutoff jean shorts. But, do my eyes deceive me or does she not have a thigh gap. WHICH LIKE PLEASE, finally, at least one contestant who’s not Barbie-thin! All I want to see.

Oh dear god, she’s an actress. Ugh. Producers, why. Stop doing this.

 

 

 


Anna, 24

A girl from Owatonna, Minnesota who looks young. Fresh-faced and authentic, sure, but baby-faced too. She seems friendly, like she’ll be able to make friends with most of the girls in the house.

She lives in Chicago, has a bubbly personality, and works as a copywriter. She also does improv and sells her clothes online.

 

 

 

 


Bri, 24

Woo, they do seem to be serious about more racial diversity! That’s a huge first step, but only a first step. The San Antonio, Texas girl may also be on the younger side, but looks very polished and maybe a bit timid. Which, timid is not the best because shy people go home on Night One.

Shy may be right, because I cannot find any deets about her online.

 

 

 


Brittany, 23

Another baby for the class! Hailing from Chicago, she looks like any typical college student or recent grad. She looks like the girl who claims not to wear makeup, but actually wears 12 different products that make her look like she’s not wearing any cosmetics.

A model, DJ, and athlete. Of course. I’m rolling my eyes. Gah, producers, real people! That’s what we want. Not influencers in training.

 

 

 


Carolyn, 30

An East Coaster all the way from Newburyport, Massachusetts is on the way! She’s clearly got an edgy streak, what with an arm of different tattoo designs. IDK, there’s something here that I can see could be compatible with Matt, just thinking of the two of them side by side. One FB commenter remarked how at 30, she’s too old for Matt. Hun, she is only two years older than him. Why are we being ageist here??

She actually lives in LA, natch. And she’s a journalist by trade.

 

 


Casandra, 25

OK, here’s clearly an aspiring model, but someone Matt would be into maybe?? The Lodi, California gal looks very naturally pretty and I think Matt will definitely see that too.

She works in healthcare in Long Beach, and yea, def beachy vibes here.

 

 

 

 

 


Catalina, 29

Oooh, she’s from Caguas, Puerto Rico. Have we had a PR resident on the show before? She definitely looks like she’s a professional working girl with a real job and benefits, which yay, score one. Ooh, interesting, apparently she’s a past Miss Universe. I wonder what Matt thinks about beauty queens.

In addition to being a beauty queen, she’s an author and an attorney, which impressive.

 

 

 


Chelsea, 29

Short hair alert! Apparently, do we need to note this now, because that’s just a rarity for the show, ugh. She hails from Marietta, Georgia and looks personable and normal, and like yea, I’d root for her and Matt.

She’s a model living life in NYC, per IG.

 

 

 

 

 


Corrinne, 22

Oof, another freaking baby? Producers, what’s going on?? But, this girl, another Corrinne is clearly a model or wannabe model. She’s from Pomfret, Connecticut and I’m getting popular girl vibes for sure.

Going in blind here, can’t find much else.

 

 

 

 

 


Emani, 25

She’s pretty and, like, she would look gorgeous standing beside Matt at the end. That’d be one good-looking couple. She’s from Albuquerque, New Mexico and looks very sweet and genuine.

She works in DC as a realtor, per LinkedIn.

 

 

 

 

 


Illeana, 25

This girl, first off, needs a better photo because terrible lighting and she’s in shadows. But, also, I can deduce she’s a certain type of snooty, preppy girl because she has a golden cursive name necklace. She hails from South Salem, New York, and everyone remarks how she looks like Colton’s ex Cassie. Which, yikes. Bad flashback, sorry.

She’s a model, an NYC realtor, and co-founder of some healthy snack company. It debuts in 2021, which so does this season, and is so convenient, darlin’. I’m sorry, hun, but there will only be one CORN on the franchise.

 

 


Jessenia, 27

Catherine Lowe lookalike alert! She’s from San Antonio, Texas and she seems sweet, genuine, and like she’s here for the right reasons. I’d root for her too.

Apparently, she likes photography and works as a social media manager, thank you LinkedIn.

 

 

 

 


Kaili, 26

This San Diego, California girl gives me big-time Hannah Ann snooty vibes and like, crap. I don’t want that again. She looks like a mean, popular girl and far too materialistic.

Apparently, she works in hospitality, but that’s all I can find.

 

 

 

 

 


Katie, 29

She looks like a tomboy and someone who’s athletic, and I’m not mad at it. From one tomboy to another! She’s from Lynnwood, Washington and looks wholesome and kind.

She’s a TikToker! She has nearly 233,000 followers that people seem to like.

 

 

 

 


Kennedy, 23

From Washington, DC, but I’m just sick of these lil’ snooty babies. Because this pose gives me wannabe influencer vibes.

She’s a cheerleader for Washington Football. Apparently, she’s a business and tech analyst too and loves tacos. Which, who doesn’t?

 

 

 

 

 


Khaylah, 28

This Bronx, New York native looks like she’s super confident and that’ll turn the other ladies against her. But, that means they are just jelly.

She’s a portrait and fashion photog in North Carolina, based on her website.

 

 

 

 


Kim, 28

She’s from Cypress, California, but doesn’t leave much of an impression on me based on her photo choice.

Her IG refers to herself as a “Professional Dumpling,” which um, PLEASE BE HER LOWER-THIRD CAREER, PRODUCERS.

 

 

 

 

 


Kimberly, 28

A bit #basic, yet still seems down-to-earth, relatable, and authentic. She hails from Lake Tapps, Washington.

Based on IG, she lives in Seattle and works in “corporate America” as a recruiter for Alaska Airlines, according to her LinkedIn.

 

 

 

 

 


Kit, 21

It’s the class baby! She’s designer Cynthia Rowley’s daughter, so you know she’ll make it on the show and have killer outfits. She’s from New York City and I definitely get socialite-model-influencer vibes, for sure.

She’s already an influencer, thanks to what I see on her public IG, and she hosts a podcast alongside her famous mama. Ohhh, here’s some tea. She is still active on IG when Matt James already had his phone taken, which either means they haven’t taken her phone in the quarantine period, she got cut already, or someone else is posting on her account for her. I wonder.

 


Kristin, 27

She’s from Virginia Beach, and she seems confident, self-assured, humble, kind, and I want to root for her.

She’s an associate attorney based in NYC, specializing in “in sports, recreation, entertainment, product liability, and employment and labor litigation.” Well, she and Matt both live in Manhattan.

 

 

 

 


Lauren, 29

Is this photo a little blurry or…?? She hails from Miami and IDK, I just can’t get a good read on her from this average photo.

She’s a lawyer based in Miami, which, we stan a driven woman.

 


Madison, 27

She’s from Granger, Indiana and that makes sense. She gives me fresh-faced, All-American, small-town girl vibes from her friendly smile, modest outfit, natural curly hair, and low-key makeup look.

TEA TIME! Apparently, she already dated Matt last year. According to Reality Steve, the pair dated last summer when his best mate Tyler C. was seeing Zayn Malik’s current love Gigi Hadid. In fact, Madison and Matt were seen together at one of Gigi’s fashion shows, and they dated for a few months. Ooh, Kelley F. vibes anyone?

 

 


Magi, 32

Watch out, ladies, we’ve got a big-time contender here! IDK why, but I get good vibes from Magi. She’s like model-pretty, but still down-to-earth and approachable. She hails from Adwa, Ethiopia, and I just get the vibe that Matt would be lucky to date her. Also, M and M, how absolutely precious for future monograms.

According to her Insta, which thank heavens is public, she’s a pharmacist and started a nonprofit to “help [kids] get 1 pair of shoes to safely walk to school for the entire semester.” Wow, driven and impressive.

 

 


Mari, 24

Hailing from Luquillo, Puerto Rico, this young lady gives me serious influencer-in-training vibes. It’s the pose, the fake enthusiastic smile, the stick-straight hair, the huge lips that read as inauthentic to me.

She’s a former beauty queen, who won Miss USA 2019 just two years ago and she’s from or lives in Maryland.

 

 

 

 


Marie, 25

Now this Sandusky, Ohio is like a Hannah Ann lookalike, which, oh brother. It may be the matching facial structure, dark brown wavy hair, or cropped off-the-shoulder top. But with all that, she seems more genuine and down-to-earth. Like, I’d be interested to see her thrive in Paradise. If we’ll ever have BIP again? That’s up to COVID, though.

IG stalking bears no fruit, but based on her LinkedIn, she’s a speech pathologist in LA.

 

 


Marylynn, 28

Age is right on the money for this Huntington Beach, Cali girl. But, I just get influencer, model vibes again, which, like UGH.

Private Insta, lives in LA, blah blah blah, can you say basic? She’s on TikTok too, but not very active and just posts slow-mo walking vids.

 

 

 

 


Michelle, 27

Hailing from Woodbury, Minnesota, she seems friendly and natural-looking which makes her more approachable. However, I sort of get shy vibes. Which crap, because shy goes home on Night One.

Her IG, while public, only has two photos and she only joined this past April. Can’t find much else, so we’ll be going in blind on the premiere night next year.

 

 

 


MJ, 23

Baby, baby, baby! She may not be the youngest girl of the bunch, but she looks like one of ’em. She hails from Hudson, Ohio and this photo was definitely her sorority graduation picture, for sure. I mean, you graduate college during a pandemic in one of the worst job markets in history. What else are you going to do besides sit on Mom and Dad’s couch for seven months? Applying for The Bachelor at least gives you something to do, a place to go, and maybe even a future Insta career.

She’s a hairstylist, according to IG, working on “lived-in color + hand-tied extensions” for clients, and she also does spray tans too.

 

 


Nicole Remy, 25

OK, she looks like a catch that Matt would be lucky to date! She’s from Lakewood, Washington, and I get authentic, friendly vibes all the way. Like, I can see all the girls wanting to be her friend and Matt wanting to get to know her.

Her IG bio boasts she’s a web developer and a former NFL cheerleader. That’s true, according to LinkedIn, she danced with the Seattle Seahawks for two years. Her colleagues in web development mentioned she’s great at what she does. Which, we love to see a woman being successful at work.

 

 


Nicole Rovner, 31

Seriously, I guess do we need to start a Scrunchie Count this season?? They are all wearing one in their FB bio photos! Nicole R. #2 is from Wilmette, Illinois, but her lower-third will just say Chicago if she makes it on the show.

We’re going in blind here, because her IG is private with no bio and I can’t find anything else about her by Googling.

 

 

 

 


Pieper, 24

She’s from Happy Valley, Oregon, and has such a baby face. Like, she looks like a baby and also a wannabe influence. Like, she just thinks being an influencer is super cool and dreamy.

She is a model, because of course, based on some agency profiles. Then, according to her LinkedIn, she is a current grad student and is open to finding a new job. Well, maybe not until winter when the show’s done, right?

 

 

 


Rachael, 24

Oooh, she gives me Hannah Ann vibes. A Southern girl from Cumming, Georgia who’s quite young, up on the latest Gen Z fashion crazes, and dreams of being a #influencer.

Per her Facebook, I definitely get basic recent college grad vibes.

 

 

 

 

 


Ryan, 25

Hey, it’s definitely her repurposed LinkedIn headshot that she submitted to the producers. No questions. She hails from Mechanicsville, Virginia, where she seems like a young professional. And IDK, I just get the vibe that she’d be one of the early exits. Can’t deduce much about her personality, and also I think producers wouldn’t like that she looks like she’d stay out of drama.

Cool, she’s a dancer who was an Alvin Ailey Scholarship Program recipient and a performer on the show, POSE, according to her IG bio.

 

 


Saneh, 25

I get Alexis vibes from Nick’s season, aka the dolphin-shark girl. She’s from St. Augustine, Florida and looks like she’s empowered, confident, ready for love, and genuinely wants to meet Matt.

According to her Twitter, she lives in Denver where she works as a recruiter, and she went to the University of Florida for undergrad and her Masters. In case you were wondering, we are both connected to the Intern Queen herself, Lauren Berger, on LinkedIn.

 

 

 


Sarah, 24

OKAY, she has to be a model. For sure. She’s from San Diego, California, and she could easily be a doppelganger for Alexis Rose on Schitt’s Creek. 

Per her private IG, her bio indicates she’s a journalist, host, model, and podcast host of the “From Here to Where Podcast.” Her podcast just launched in January, so what a great promo opp this show is, huh? She lives in LA and is big into fitness and empowerment, I guess.

 

 

 


Serena C., 24

She’s from San Bruno, California and this young lady just has the most precious baby face. Like, she matches the 21-year-olds in terms of youthfulness.

Oh goodie, we’ve got a fashion blogger on our hands here, but she hasn’t posted in a year. Her style is self-described as “contemporary street-style with the occasional bougie but always a little EXTRAAAA.” So, oh boy. Oh, she has a real job too. She’s a flight attendant based in San Fran.

 

 

 


Serena P., 22

Another baby comin’ in hot! And our first lady from Canada. She’s from Markham in Ontario, and her outfit’s bringing the edge. She looks like she cannot wait to start her own “Serena’s Style” YouTube channel or something.

According to her LinkedIn, she’s a marketing intern who is looking for FT work in Toronto. She began her internship this August, so did she leave for Bach OR was it a summer thing that ended?

 

 

 


Sydney, 28

I’m getting so much Rachel Lindsay vibes for Lindsay’s lookalike! She’s a Southern gal from Franklin, Tennessee who seems like she has her priorities in order and knows what she wants, is settled in her career, and wants to find love.

Her IG is also private, but indicates she does marketing in Nashville for a local recruiting company, VACO Nashville.

 

 

 


Talie, 24

This Belmont, North Carolina girl is giving me troublemaker vibes. It’s her pose. It’s the one-hand-on-her-hip, the forced smile, and the tight yellow dress.

According to her private IG, she’s a “recruiter and esthetician.” Her real name is Nitalia, and is also a writer who’s been through some hard shit, according to her blog.

 

 

 


Victoria, 27

She’s from NYC and you can tell she wants to be a singer-songwriter. That’s clearly what this picture is from, right? Her demo tape that she sent to Nashville?

Apparently, she’s relocated to LA, natch, and has since deleted her IG page. How convenient, hmm.

My Definitive Ranking of Every Song From ‘Julie and the Phantoms’

In case you’ve been living under a rock this autumn, Kenny Ortega (the visionary director behind High School Musical and Descendants) has returned with his latest project. It’s a nine-episode Netflix Family series about a girl, Julie, who plays a CD of the tunes from ’90s boy band Sunset Curve (who sounds eerily similar to 5SOS, just saying) when the band — now [cute] ghosts — appear to her. So, naturally, they form a band together because they are all musically inclined. This show is one of my new favorite Netflix obsessions even though I’m way older its suggested demographics. But, oh well, it’s just that good. Part of the reason, I’m loving JATP is due to its bop-worthy soundtrack because all 15 tracks are massive hits, I promise you.

So, for all my fellow JATP-loving fans and unapologetic Sunset Curve stans, here’s my official, definitive ranking of the entire soundtrack.

15. “All Eyes on Me”

Sure, this track has a catchy beat that makes me want to dance like the girls of Dirty Candy, and Alex too, but that’s about it. Now, when the pandemic is over, who wants to join me and choreograph our own dance to this track and become our own version of Dirty Candy?


14. “I Got the Music”

Yes, these young ladies are absolutely, incredibly talented, but this just isn’t my type of music. It’s the hip hop-py vibe and yelling thing that I just can’t get into. But, it’s very upbeat and has me wishing I could be in a flash mob every day of my life.


13. “Wow”

Seriously, Carrie is poised to be a miniature pop star already. Girl has the drive, determination, and precision to be the leader of a girl group. Flawless, that’s right.


12. “You’ve Got Nothing to Lose”

What do you get when you put Broadway veteran Cheyenne Jackson in a musical TV show? A fabulous musical number, obviously. This track has a big-band feel that makes me want to get up and dance. Also, Dancing With the Stars producers are seriously lacking if they don’t give one of their couples a quickstep or something to this number. I need to see it.


11. “Wake Up”

Madison Reyes was born to sing and be a star, that’s for sure, and this track proves that tenfold. This is only No. 11 because it’s less catchy than some other tunes, and I’m less likely to have this stuck in my head, singing and dancing along at every aspect. It’s still incredible, because of her voice, just wow.


10. “Edge of Great”

Here’s pure proof that this band was meant to play together. Like, their chemistry as a group is just electric and gives me chills every time. Also, I just want to stand on all my furniture and belt out their tunes. Seriously, if there’s a concert, I’ll be first in line to buy tickets next to all the teenybopper fans.


9. “Flying Solo”

This ode to best friends is beyond precious, but also makes me wanna sing and dance along throughout my entire apartment. Next time you want to tell your besties how much you appreciate them for always supporting you, just send them this link and that alone will say a lot.


8. “The Other Side of Hollywood”

But this Cheyenne Jackson number is pure Broadway and I love this track for that exact reason. It has a 1920s-inspired groovy beat, and it’s everything us theater nerds love. It’s flashy, has killer vocals, and perfect dance breaks. Yes, please!


7. “Perfect Harmony”

This ballad is absolutely pure and romantic from the very first moment that Luke appears through the mirror to dance with Julie, and gah, I’m a puddle. It’s so freaking cute, my heart has melted for these two and this beautiful duet.


6.”This Band is Back (Reggie’s Jam)”

This feels like a backyard jam sesh and is just plain, good fun! It starts with my favorite line, “Come on, Reginald” which, of course, I say every time I listen to. It’s just such a fun, cute line because Reggie is so lovable and underrated as a character. This track is just for fun, I dig it.


5. “Now or Never”

The opening number of the entire show gives off so much 5 Seconds of Summer vibes, and as a 5SOS stan, I’m on board. It has that rocking boy band music type that makes me want to stan Sunset Curve as a massive fangirl (oops, too late). Now, excuse me as I go blast this track and dance around my apartment while I do my chores.


4. “Bright”

For the first time the band played together in front of a crowd, I have chills. Their chemistry together is electric, pure poetry, and I’m obsessed; just call me a Fantom already!! This band was just meant to play together, and then, uhh, Luke, his voice is like an angel.


3. “Finally Free”

I think the section where Luke and Julie share a mic, look deep into each other’s eyes, and repeat “I got a spark in me” is why I love this so much. They ooze chemistry and it just makes me melt, like gah, it’s so perfect. Other than that, it’s an upbeat track that makes me want to sing along and dance around. I love it. Also, I saw a TikTok theorizing that Kenny Ortega included this song as the follow-up to HSM‘s “Breaking Free,” which, ahhhh, that would be amazing.


2. “Stand Tall”

This song is now my go-to confidence-building, empowering track to power pose to before I have to do anything important. Seriously, hit play and then power pose for the duration of the track, it works every time. When the song ends, you’ll feel so freaking empowered and fierce, ready to conquer the world. Which, like, yes, we need more of that especially as women in today’s world. Plus, each of the guys’ solos make my heart race, and then Luke’s grand entrance, after nearly giving me a heart attack, was everything to see him get there and it made me smile.


1. “Unsaid Emily”

Here’s the big one. The all-time best. The one that makes me cry literally every single time I hear it. And if Spotify is on shuffle and this comes on, then I’m a goner. It’s so vulnerable and raw, but so beautiful and authentic that I’ll always stan Charlie Gillespie and his character of Luke because look at his range! Look at what this boy can do! Now, considering the emotional impact of “Unsaid Emily” and Luke’s backstory, I’m gonna need all the tissues when Season 2 (please, please, please renew this, Netflix!) gives us songs and moments about both Reggie’s and Alex’s backstories.

Here We Go Again: Judging Clare Crawley’s Suitors on ‘The Bachelorette’ on First Glance [Updated]

Now that many places are starting to come out of quarantine and resume somewhat normal lives, it’s time for Bach Nation to get back on track. The Bachelorette, now set exclusively at a California resort, is set to resume filming with Clare Crawley’s journey with 42 brand-new suitors (sans Matt James for obvious reasons). Right before filming kicked off, the show revealed a sneak peek of the men vying for Clare’s heart. A few things: They did *slightly* age up her men, which thank god. Hopefully, that means less drama and more right-reasons folks. PLEASE. But then, there are only 12 POC contestants. Twelve out of 42 is barely .2 percent. Also, there’s barely any other diversity besides race and age. Like, IRL not everyone looks like models. Come on, ABC.

OK, rant time over. Now, that we have the official names, ages, hometowns, and headshots of these guys, it’s time for my annual thoughts based on first impressions alone. Obviously, I’m basing this post off of first impressions from a photo and whatever info I can Google about each man for now. But, once we get closer to a premiere and get an official bio and fast facts from the network, this post may be amended. (Then, hopefully, I can bring back my favorite “Can We Just” segment.)

Update:  As of September 29, ABC has given us the official lineup of the men that will be on the show, post-COVID quarantine, and their official bios, so we’re back to update this post.

AJ, 28, Software Salesman

Now, this Irvine, California native may still be a bit too naive or young for Clare. But, they do live only six hours apart. Could that help jumpstart a potential future and real life? Based on his photo, he looks very All-American and a picture-perfect white dude.

He has a private Instagram account, so we can’t do much snooping. But his bio reads, “Likable Lothario” which yikes, but also “future stay-at-home-dad.” Huh. It also boasts that he’s a college grad and a current MBA student.

Can We Just: Apparently, he “doesn’t show up to anything without doing his research.” So, how much research did he do on Bach Nation and Clare?


Alex, 28

This El Paso, Texas guy also skews on the younger side of things. Which, IDK. Again, a basic All-American white guy. He does look quite sweet and cute. I can see him being a hit in Paradise.

Another dude with a private Insta, but his bio boasts his interest in health and fitness, “good livin'” whatever he means by that, and that he has two lil pups and is a “dog dad.” If that’s not the definition of basic. He is on LinkedIn too, but only has 63 connections, so I’m not sure if he’s that into his professional career or genuinely doesn’t know how to use LinkedIn. However, his name’s been in the limelight because some eagle-eyed fans spotted that he’s been arrested quite a few times. So, like, ABC, are we doing background checks anymore?

**Not listed on cast bios**


Ben, 29, Army Ranger Veteran (Now, a Personal Trainer)

We’re aging up just a smidge with this Indianapolis guy. (Hey, do you know Ben Higgins? LOL.) Giving me weird hair vibes and I’m not into it.

He also as a private Insta page, but his bio describes him as “your coach.” Excuse me as I go throw up. And apparently, he’s a fitness trainer. Blech times two.

Can We Just: He loves his new job as a PT, blech. Oh, and he loves an ice bath.

 

 


Bennett, 37, Wealth Management Consultant

Here we go, we’re getting the age right! Finally. More men that could be on the same page as Clare. Praise be. He’s from Atlanta and seems bubbly and personable, but for some reason, I’m getting a smarmy vibe that maybe he’s too perfect?

Insta gives us no clues, but LinkedIn does. He’s a professional living in NYC with a real-life adult job. So, one step already. I thought I saw a too-perfect vibe, and I was right. His LinkedIn headshot, a degree from Harvard, yea, I feel that I was definitely right. I’m just confused: he graduated in 2007, and then immediately became a Senior VP for a major corporation in finance? I just have questions or he has no clue how LinkedIn works and inputted dates wrong. I’d give him a chance though because this picture from Facebook shows kind eyes and a smile. So, I guess maybe you can’t always judge a book by its cover. But, not even if it’s a slick one??

Can We Just: He calls himself the total package and hasn’t pursued a girl since high school, and pass.


Blake Monar, 30, Grooming Specialist

Another Indiana guy and he is tatted up. Seriously, his arms are covered. His hair’s doing a weird swoopy, pompadour thing which, eh. And I just get a bad boy, drama-centric vibe. But thanks to the network for giving us his last name that makes my sleuthing job much easier. Turns out, he is the President and CEO (humble much?) of a men’s grooming business in Phoenix called Statum Style. Oh no, is he a Nick Viall 2.0? Oh, and he models. Great.

Thanks to his modeling agency in Phoenix, we know now his height, measurements, eye color, and shoe size too, LOL. Oh, and in case you cared, his company Statum Style is all-natural.

Can We Just: “Blake Monar loves pancakes.” Enough said.


Blake Moynes, 29, Wildlife Manager

No, we really have two Blake M’s??? Ok, he doesn’t have tattoos and is from Ontario. So, we have Tatted Blake and Canadian Blake. That helps. In a shock to no one, this tall Canadian prospect was apparently a hockey player in college. Thank you, Google.

He has no known Insta page, which makes my quest for info more difficult. So, I guess we’re going in blind here. He works with endangered animals, which is so cute and sweet. How lovely.

Can We Just: Ninja Turtles! Yea, he really loves ’em.

 

 


Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Wow, he looks a little intense. This Cleveland, Ohio dude apparently doesn’t smile in casting photos and it makes him less than personable. Also, this is totally a photo you’d find on his Tinder. Oh someone, please come through and confirm this. Looks like a model or something, which, pass.

Based on his Insta, also private, he’s a luxury real estate agent and a model based in NYC. According to his firm’s site, he is interested in acting, art and architectural history, traveling, food, yoga, and skiing. I’ve read enough, I’m done.

Can We Just: “An Italian stallion in the prime of his life.” Ick. Oh, and he admits he has “abs of an A-list movie star,” ugh, can he go home now?


Brendan, 30, Commerical Roofer

No, and we have a Brandon and a Brendan? My head hurts already. The Massachusetts guy seems physically perfect and that’s really all I can gauge from a photo.

According to his Insta (still public!), he’s an artist, but like based on the photos, he’s also a model. Geez, we’re screwed then if most of her men are models. Aka classic wrong reasons types.

Can We Just: His friends call him “BMoney.” Just no. Oh, and he likes to rock turtlenecks.

 

 


Chasen, 31, IT Account Executive

He’s also from Cali, and just an hour from Clare. Good or bad, IDK yet. Looks like a model, so yea.

Based on his Insta, he’s into fitness and a tech consultant. Oh yea, and he models too. Because, obviously. But, he does seem to have a legit, real-person job, so there’s that.

Can We Just: He. Wants. A. Golden. Doodle. Puppy. Now, that’s what you put in a bio! Gah, I wanna see the puppy pics once he gets the lil guy.

 

 

 


Chris, 27, Landscape Design Salesman

He’s from St. Louis, Missouri. OMG, where did he go to high school? I need to know. That would supremely help out his first impression. He may bring the median age down, but like I just need to know about his background in my hometown. Would give me plenty of insight.

Other than that, I literally cannot find anything about him on social media. So, I guess, I’m going in blind here too.

Can We Just: He “loves camping, but won’t go for longer than three days at a time.” Um, okay, a bit of contradiction, but alrighty then.

 

 


Collins, 30

He’s from Midlothian, Virginia and his arms are massive and he has an intense (scary?) wide smile.

There’s nothing much I can find on this dude besides his Instagram account or a couple of weightlifting training videos. So, yea, my first impression doesn’t bode well from that. Although it seems like his grandparents were in the hospital four weeks ago, right before he left for ABC quarantine. I do hope everything will be okay, because my stomach would be in knots every day I’m on a reality show knowing something could happen back home while I’m on the opposite coast.

***Not listed on cast bios**

 


Dale, 31, Former Pro Football Wide Receiver

He’s from Brandon, South Dakota, and is that a first for the show?? He seems nice and normal. While his IG is private, turns out he’s VERIFIED already. He’s actually a former NFL player and now is a model and a host, plus an ambassador for the Special Olympics. He’s giving me Clay vibes but like I’d actually root for him. That smile and he doesn’t seem too cocky, just the right amount of normal. Yea, I’m on his team. If Clare doesn’t pick him, can he be the Bachelor lead after Matt James? I’d watch that season.

Can We Just: His favorite game is Hungry Hungry Hippos, well, I didn’t know that.

 

 


Demar, 26, Spin Cycling Instructor

Hey, look a baby for the class! He’s from San Diego and I just get a feeling that he’s still in that party, going out stage of life. Based on his IG, I was a little nervous about the @djfromsocal handle, that he’d be a tool or a cocky DJ but it’s just his initials. He’s educated with a Bachelors and a Masters. Yay, we stan driven contestants! Except hold your horses, his bio advertises something called the Madison, which is a “Party on a Bike: partying you won’t regret the next day.” Oof, I retract my previous affirmative stance. Oh, and he models too. Ugh.

Can We Just: Dream job is a DJ on the Vegas Strip. Cough cough, wrong reasons.

 


Ed, 36, Healthcare Salesman

Age-appropriate, yes. But, geez, his arms. They are massive and the veins are popping out. Good lord. So clearly, this Pittsburgh guy works out a lot. I can’t seem to find any other deets on this dude, but my gut is saying no. I’m getting like a Chad meets Jed vibe, which is like the biggest red flag EVER.

Can We Just: He loves all-inclusive resorts, so I guess this is the perfect season for him, huh?

 

 

 


Ellis, 26

Oh, look at lil’ ginger baby Ellis. The 26-year-old from Libertyville, Illinois has quite the baby face, which hinders me from seeing him as someone ready for marriage and a lifetime commitment. You know, Ellis, it’s hard to stalk, erm you know, research you when your name is the same as a street in your town. Gah, whatevs for now.

His IG presence is private, yet gives me a first and last name so I can find out his LinkedIn deets and previous college basketball record. Lol and in case you were wondering, I’m third connections with the Dallas-living sales executive hahahaha.

**Not listed on cast bios**


Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Age is definitely in the right zone with this Fort Lauderdale, Florida dude. Giving me Kenny vibes from Rachel’s season. They look alike in the faces.

Based on his IG bio, Garin is an Emmy-nominated journalist who writes for THISISRNB.com, and is also a host, director, and professor at USC. He’s a freelancer in LA, but hey, same state as Clare. It does say he’s a “nice guy finishing first,” which okay, hun, I can roll with that.

Can We Just: Also, he’s a part-time DJ!

 


Gary, 29

He’s from Cleveland, Ohio, and seems like a professional. Also, the provided Facebook photo looks blurry and I can’t tell much else. Have no strong opinion on him with a blurry photo and no social clues to search.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

This Dallas guy seems fine, a bit basic. Meh. And definitely on the skinnier side. He’s an engineer, as it said on his private IG’s bio. We’re also third connections on LinkedIn, LOL, but he’s wearing a cute pair of glasses in his headshot and he definitely needs to wear those full time. Glasses can make most guys more attractive. What, it’s true.

Can We Just: “Recovered Croc Enthusiast” should have been his career. Tsk, tsk, producers.

 

 

 


Jason, 31, Former Pro Football Lineman

They are really delivering on the age thing, which thank god. He’s from Rutland, Vermont, and is he our first one? He’s got some large ink on his bicep, so we’ll see what Clare thinks of that. But, he seems genuine and honest, like he’s looking for something real. I’d vote for him to get a couple of roses from Clare.

Another verified Insta dude for Clare. His bio reads, “A regular at Wegmans buffet line and WaWa. URI alum. Former fat guy for the NFL/CFL player.” So, we’ve got another former footballer. He seems basic but a good friend and family guy, which bonus points, man.

Can We Just: He can have fun anywhere he goes. Hm, I’d like to test that, sir, because actually any situation is the question I have for you.


Jay, 29, Fitness Director

He’s from Langhorne, Pennsylvania, and seriously he’s like a Tyler C. clone. I cannot unsee it. Apparently, he’s private on Insta with no real bio and ick, I get bro-y vibes based on his profile photo.

Can We Just: PT, blech. Also, he calls every Drake song a “banger.” So, there’s that.

 

 

 

 


Jeremy, 40, Banker

What? They actually found someone in their forties?? Gobsmacked. He’s from Virginia Beach and aside from the weird Facebook photo seems normal-ish. They better not send him to Paradise with the 20-year-olds from Peter’s season, please no.

His Insta tells me nothing, legit nothing. Just that it’s the same guy because his headshot looks like him, and oh, that he has a little line or something tattooed on his arm. Oh, turns out, he’s got a real job. Score one.

Also, he hates Insta models and his love language is witty banter, so I’m on TEAM JEREMY. Well, for T*****, because Clare rumors.

Can We Just: The producers literally mentioned he’s the oldest contestant ever on the show, so eye roll.


Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Dr. Joe! He’s from North Woodmere, New York, and just seems decent and like he’d be mature.

Thanks to a local news article, they’ve already dug up this dirt on this suitor. He’s an anesthesiologist, which like, a real grown-up job! IDK if Clare’s gonna fancy him but he seems like a stable, mature contender.

Can We Just: He fought and survived COVID. Hero status. And he hates girls who litter. Just a good guy. Just going to leave this here: “He once was voted Top 20 Most Eligible Doctors and Medical Professionals in New York City.”

 


Jordan C., 26, Software Account Executive

He’s from Southington, Connecticut, and he’s got glasses. A four-eyed friend! I think that’s a show first? You know, someone wearing more than just readers in the early hours?

Based on his IG, I’m definitely getting bro vibes. Oh yea, that’s for sure. He’s a big sports guy apparently, which like join the club, man. Meh, nothing else noteworthy to report.

Can We Just: Wants a girl to go to the gym with, man, oh buddy, just when your glasses were starting to win me over…

 

 


Jordan M., 30, Cyber Security Engineer

Geez, how many Jordans too? He’s from Deerborn, Michigan, but there’s something about his vibe that I don’t 100 percent trust right away. He just looks menacing and like he’s mean-mugging. I wish he’d smile, then I could get a better vibe/read off of him.

Different from his mean mug photo, his LinkedIn looks more personable and friendly. Meh, not bad. His official cast photo also looks way better.

Can We Just: His favorite Sunday activity is cleaning, he’s already a winner!

 


Josh, 31

I swear, there’s something in this Minneapolis, Minnesota-based dude’s face that reminds me of a guy that lived on my dorm floor my freshman year of college. Well, I cannot unsee that now. But, dimples alert! OK, back to the real him. He seems normal and basic, a bit too slick, I think. Also, another man with a legit job. Thank god. His Insta claims he’s a doggy dad, and his doggo Kingsley is a precious lil pooch. I mean, he’s a cutie doggy.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Karl, 33

I’m pretty sure this Miami guy lives in a high-rise, or at least has a friend in one that lets him take photos there. He also has massive arms.

While his IG is private, I’m getting bad vibes because he put a freaking rose emoji next to his name! Like, he wants to be recognized from the show. No no no! #NoMoreWannabeInfluencers. Aside from that, he’s a speaker and a “success coach” who’s founded his own firm and passionate about that, which you do you, hun.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 


Kenny, 39, Boy Band Manager

Nope, buh-bye. This dude from Oaklawn, Illinois gives me so many red flags, from the muscle tank, tattoo sleeves, shiny forehead (one word: skincare!), huge muscles, and a gelled-up hairstyle. Please, don’t do it, Clare. Consider this my official warning for you. Also, you know this photo was ripped straight from his Tinder profile.

According to his IG, he’s got a bad-boy-looking headshot and he’s a talent buyer, a “band maker,” and a model. GAH, why why why. Also, would like to point out that Chris Harrison has presumably admitted that he saw Kenny naked on the show, so, um just gonna leave that there and run.

Can We Just: He hates cheese, just … just leave right now, sir.


Mike, 38, Digital Media Advisor

Okay, I like this guy from Calgary in Canada. He seems sweet and kind, has nice hair, and a lovely smile. Ohh, Canada. I hope slick former fiance Benoit doesn’t spring to her mind when she meets him. But, I really like this one.

I swear, no critiques here because he’s my top pick and sorta reminds me of Tanner Tolbert, just like a wholesome and nice guy type. His IG doesn’t reveal anything. Wait, noooo, he apparently has a profesh Insta as a “Digital Media Content Creator” with a website that doesn’t exist. Shit, I hope he’s not here to build a brand. Crap, I need him to be a good one and prove my picker is not broken.

Can We Just: He’s a Shania Twain fanboy, haha, yas. We love to see ’em embrace the fangirl life.


Montel, 30

He’s from Hingham, Massachusetts, and has a lovely, very white smile. Almost, distractedly so, like blinding. And damn, he’s a personal trainer. Big into fitness and lifting weights, which makes sense because arms, but like, pass.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 

 

 


Noah, 25

Oh, here’s our little baby of the group! In fact, that’s literally his Insta handle. He’s from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and is definitely here to head to Paradise to meet either Hannah Ann, Madison, or Hannah Brown. Guaranteed.

So, he’s a travel nurse, which like good for him. And apparently, he’s got a twin. In case you wanted to know. He’s um, very religious and kinda preachy.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Page, 37, Chef

I’m getting Evan Bass vibes from this Sante Fe, New Mexico guy. I just, but you know, it all worked out for Evan in the end. So, I’m keeping my mouth shut on that. Also, he has a lot of tats and a weird Evan-like slicked-back hairdo. Definitely an artsy, hipster vibe.

Hold the phone, he’s a chef? And like, an acclaimed one at that. Damn, can we get a cooking date? Please, ABC? Also, he’s one of the two single dads this year.

Can We Just: He likes both pizza and caviar, just not together. Um, well, duh.

 


Peter, 32

Another perfect-looking Peter here! Is that a rule or something, like if you name your kid Peter then he has to be perfect-looking?? #PerfectPeterStrikesAgain. He’s from Everett, Massachusetts, and just wow, that is so much physical beauty, objectively. He’s clean-shaven and his hair is coiffed to perfection, different from many of these rugged, tatted-up guys he’ll be living in the resort with.

Professionally, he’s a real estate advisor and very confident in his profesh accomplishments. Like, I can’t look at him because he’s just like too handsome.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 


Riley, 30, Attorney

I just love this Detroit lad’s name. Also he seems down-to-earth and normal. He seems approachable, friendly, and chill. Like he’d have your back. No further deets to report other than he’s got a real job and multiple degrees. He seems decent like he’s here to find love, but is also a decent friend to the guys. Good on you, hun.

Can We Just: He “knows all the lyrics to ‘Call Me Maybe'” which, um is that impressive or embarrassing?

 

 

 


Robby, 31, Insurance Broker

I’m getting Blake E meets Tickle Monster vibes for this man from St. Pete Beach, Florida. IDK what it is, but yea, it’s there. And meh, not much of a fan. Also, seriously questioning the photographer’s skills because it’s framed poorly.

I’m getting all sorts of bro vibes from his Insta, which like I’m gonna pass on this one. He was a frat bro and works for what I assume is a family company which like, is that good family values or nepotism, IDK. Also, he’s a model who cites his biggest accomplishment as posing for GQ mag, so there’s that. Cough cough, wrong reasons.

Can We Just: According to Chris Harrison, Nick Viall referred him to the show. LOLOLOL I need more answers.


Spencer, 30

This dude from La Jolla, California looks like Trevor from Listen to Your Heart. Very visually pleasing physically and wow, what a busy and distracting shirt. But, like piercing eyes. I mean, piercing, wow.

And we’ve got another bro out here! His Insta tells that story all too well. But with only sixty posts, I can’t get too much of a read on him.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 

 


Tien, 36

He’s from Great Neck, New York, and quite the skinny dude. But, also dimples. This coloring of this photo looks like one of the OBC of Hamilton‘s star portraits of the Schuyler sisters in the sepia tone. Can’t unsee that one.

No Insta, but a real job. So definite benefits and someone who doesn’t wanna be an influencer.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

Another Tyler C.?? He’s from Gassaway, West Virginia, and just seems like a basic, muscly guy. Totally average Bach suitor, for sure.

While he used to be a professional boxer, now he’s an attorney. Which, like, yay, real job alert! Ohhh tea time, Chris Harrison says right off the bat on Night One, he’s got some dirt on another dude and reveals it. I can’t wait.

Can We Just: A Matthew McConaughey stan. Well, I’m not sure why you admitted that you are a Stan.

 

 


Tyler S., 36, Music Manager

Tyler No. 2 is here, y’all! He’s from Dallas and went to the same high school as Chris Harrison. He has a lil’ baby face, so he looks a lot younger. Apparently, his brother is Granger Smith, a country singer? Hm, need to do more digging on this. Yea, and he’s also his bro’s manager and a proud uncle. Thank you, detailed Insta bios. So, I’m sensing like a Jordan Rodgers vibe. He’s cute, seems normal and friendly. Yea, I can see something happening with Clare and some chemistry. But, LOL, could they get his bro to sing on a date for them? Even if it’s just over Zoom! I mean, he manages him, so wouldn’t it be his job to bring this chance to his brother, I mean, client?? Aww sweetie, because Chris Harrison called him well-liked and so polite. Aww.

Can We Just: His mom has to approve any girl he dates … by looking at said girl’s Instagram. Um, okay???


Uzoma “Eazy”, 29, Sports Marketing Agent

He’s from Dallas and is suave. I just get Lincoln vibes, which I hope not, because he was gross. And oh dear old, yet another former NFL player who’s verified on Insta?? I mean, sure he’s good-looking but IDK if he’s right for Clare, ya know?

He’s looking for a queen, which aww, but also, hmm is that a line, sir? Also, he’s seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy, which, like good taste. But, I see you sneaky ABC producers, trying to link the show page to this one…

Can We Just: “No one hypes Eazy up better than himself.” ‘Nuff said.

 


Yosef, 30, Medical Device Salesman

He’s from Mobile, Alabama, and I’m getting model vibes. But also, what does his accent sound like? I need to know. But, I swear if this isn’t a modeling photo. Because that’s all I see here.

I can’t get a good read on him. His IG is private, save for his profile photo which is him with a cute little girl, which is presumably his daughter or niece or sister or something. Confirmed, his daughter, a 4-year-old called Zara. So, family’s a priority, I guess. Which, like that’s nice. But oh man, he also gets into drama this season, ugh.

Can We Just: “As a kid, Yosef loved his Velcro sneakers.” That’s the fun fact Adult Yosef is gonna go with?

 


Zac C., 36, Addiction Specialist 

Oh, I like him and can see him going far. He’s from Haddonfield, Pennsylvania, and just seems normal and authentic. Ok, Team Zac C. for now.

Can’t tell much but apparently he’s got a nice, emotional backstory, so he’ll likely appear when the show airs. He’s overcome a lot and aww, I hope he gets the love story he deserves. “Tremendous story. Great guy,” according to Chris Harrison.

Can We Just: He’s a sneakerhead. Oh lord, why are we admitting that?

 

 


Zach J., 37, Cleaning Service Owner

He’s from Yakima, Washington, which reminds me of iCarly. Hey, I’m a young Millennial! Big guy with big, veiny arms, tight tees, and hair that sticks straight up.

He’s got his hands deep in his pockets! Which of course reminds me of the camp song “Turtle Song” about the turtle with his hands in his pockets and his pockets in his pants? Sorry, my brain is weird. So, now I’ll be singing that every time I see Zach on screen this season.

Back to Zach, he’s a business owner and values his family, which thank ya, Instagram. Oh, yea, his company as already promoted his Bach appearance. Cool beans, Mr. Wannabe Influencer. Apparently, He has an explosive Night One entrance that earns him a nickname that sticks. Yikes.

Can We Just:  He once broke his nose walking into a glass door. Hahahaha, I mean, thanks for the laugh, but I don’t get why you feel the need to share that Mr. I Hate Jazz Music But Am Obsessed With Chapstick.


And that’s the ball game! What did you think of Clare’s official 31 guys and who will earn the First Impression Rose or steal her heart? And more importantly, will things be less dramatic and more earnest so I’ll want to keep watching? Also, are the rumors all true, and if so, what is in store coming up this season of the “most dramatic” season of The Bachelorette??

My Immediate Reactions After Watching Netflix’s ‘Too Hot to Handle’ Series

One thing y’all know about me is that I’m a sucker for a good reality TV show, and the trashier the better. It’s a guilty pleasure, I’m not even guilty about. Upon seeing the trailer for Netflix’s latest foray into the dating reality TV game, Too Hot to Handle, it immediately looked bad — but in a way that I definitely needed to watch. And so I did. Oh boy, did I. And, um, it was A LOT. But instead of recapping what y’all missed, I thought I’d give my unfiltered and unapologetically honest first impressions and opinions of this series. Because, hey, it’s what I do and what I like.

First off, here’s the official trailer of the new show, from the streaming service that brought you Love is Blind.

So, keep reading for a list of all my random musings and thoughts I had while watching this trashy dating show starring beautiful people, places, and accents. I watched it so you don’t have to, and here’s what happened.

  1. Slow-mo beach/pool shots of beautiful people in swimsuits, OK, this is just like Love Island.
  2. They found “the hottest, horniest, commit-phobic swipesters,” like this is a real quote from the narrator.
  3. The resort is essentially run by a Siri or Alexa-type called Lana. Lana quietly and secretly gathers intel on the guests without their knowledge, how creepy.
  4. Essex girl Chloe is like every girl I’ve ever seen in all six seasons of Love Island.
  5. The are all like 20 years old; babies! Basically, there’s an air of immaturity around the lot.
  6. Sharron openly admitted that he’s most proud of his manhood, which, um, is the size of an air freshener. Which like, ew, we didn’t want to know that. (Hey, it’s been four minutes! Geez!)
  7. I can already tell Haley is going to be annoying: She has a tattoo in another language that she doesn’t know what it means and can’t stop doing her sorority chant. Just please stop.
  8. Within 5 minutes, I already can tell it is a pure dumpster fire. Like it’s so bad, but I just can’t look away.
  9. OK but seriously, Love Island and the entire Bachelor franchise both look classier than this. Which is saying a lot because people are making out and hooking up in like every episode.
  10. Did Harry just call the girls quesadillas? Like the food? Um. And then naughty possums? Creep alert.
  11. Most of them are models and influencers, of course. One dude (the Jesus lookalike) was even on America’s Next Top Model once upon a time, like obviously none of them are here for the right reasons.
  12. It’s just so ridiculous, but I just can’t look away.
  13. David walks into bars, whips his top off, and that works for him? I’d give him serious side-eye, like what the heck, that’s so unsanitary.
  14. OK Haley doesn’t know were Australia is. Like, I just. And yet, she’s in college??
  15. This show is rapidly decreasing my interest in dating as it continues to prove that men are The Worst and just trash even more. This song just gets me right now.
  16. One thing that really, really bugs me is that the lower thirds are inconsistent. It bothers me. For the US contestants, it says the state and USA, but international kids get their city and country code. For example, “Colorado, USA” or “New Jersey, USA” are not in the same style as “Essex, UK” or “Cork, Ireland.” Like, Colorado and New Jersey are states, and Essex and Cork are cities not states.
  17. There’s no way “Kelz” is his given name. Come on, please gimme a backstory and the real information.
  18. Harry is awful and not even the least bit cute. Like, how is he a hot commodity? Surely, it’s just the accent??
  19. This show is over the top and trash, but I can’t stop watching. OK, I’m in it and invested completely, just like the streaming service’s The Circle.
  20. Even the bedroom decor looks like it was inspired by Love Island meets the beachy vibes and palapas of Bachelor in Paradise.
  21. I cannot stand Francesca and Haley. These two girls are fake fake fake and snooty bullies and I do not like watching them on my TV screen.
  22. Real question: Considering this is an international show, how would these potential intercontinental relationships work on the outside? Like, I need follow-ups.
  23. Seriously, point deductions already? Can’t you keep it in your pants? You just met and there’s a cash prize on the line.
  24. How did the casting team find these people? They are all the absolute worst.
  25. Can’t touch, can’t kiss? Huh, seems like good practice for quarantine. Welcome to our new world!
  26. It’s truly mind-boggling, like, I just cannot.
  27. Rhonda’s nails are like talons. How is that comfortable?
  28. I swear, David’s only move seems to be applying sunscreen to girls. Like, no, please don’t touch me, we just met.
  29. The boys are flirting with Lana, who is a computer. Like, quite childish?
  30. Matthew and David don’t know a single man that’s gone a month without sexual practices? Um, welcome to quarantine life as singles, hun. LOL.
  31. Chloe is funny and my instant favorite. “Think of your nan” is my new favorite quote from one of these shows. Hahahaha.
  32. Like how is this hard? Girls, just avoid the temptation: don’t shave your legs, don’t put on makeup, cover up your bikinis. You have all the tools, use it. When there’s a giant sum of money on the line, wouldn’t it be worth it?
  33. This lot cannot even go two 12 minutes without breaking the rules. Like seriously?
  34. With each kiss worth $3,000 each, surely they are going to wind up with like $50 each??
  35. Ok, I keep forgetting that Nicole is there. Oof, girl does nothing. #freeholiday #unproblematic
  36. Ick, Harry is the worst. Why is he lying and pinning it all on Francesca. Boy, you’re canceled.
  37. Haley and Francesca must not be worried about money or financial obligations if they decide to break the rules out of revenge to intentionally drag the pot down without a care in the world. Like how selfish and immature are you?
  38. I’m watching these humans tie each other up. Oy, what is TV anymore?
  39. Sharron was so happy the truth came out that he and Rhonda didn’t break the rules that he says he “feels like OJ.” Um yea, I don’t know if I’d go down that route, yikes.
  40. LOLOL, Bryce joining the crew as a late arrival with no knowledge, then finding out immediately from the rest of the participants, oh it’s a priceless look.
  41. Lana reading out an itemized bill of infractions to the group is so savage.
  42. Poor Chloe, she keeps wasting money on kisses with boys whom she doesn’t fancy. Poor girl.
  43. Boys are learning to be vulnerable by covering each other in mud? Ummmm ok? Oh and then running across the garden with wooden spears? A weird version of Braveheart or something that I didn’t expect.
  44. Why is Bryce sleeping on the floor? Like, hun, you could share a bed with a friend, make a pillow wall, sleep on the couch in the living room or the outdoor bed. Why the floor?
  45. Banter! Banter! Banter! I like a bit of banter myself (it’s the Anglophile in me) but like no one has it? They just keep saying that’s what they like???
  46. Ooh poor David, he is so sunburnt. Yikes, that’s got to majorly hurt.
  47. Like Harry and Francesca, are you the least bit remorseful about costing the group $20,000? A bit selfish, huh?
  48. The girls take part in an empowerment workshop. Great, love it, we stan women being strong and independent. But, doing so by um taking a mirror up to their *ahem* yoni and then painting an artistic portrait of it? Yea, it’s a lot. Not even Love Island has gone there!
  49. Wait, Rhonda has a son? And she waited until the penultimate episode to reveal it to anyone? Like, wouldn’t you mention that in your voiceover? To your boyfriend? Someone, anyone?
  50. Oh, so y’all are putting faith in the couple who’s lost more than $30,000 to not touch at all for a whole night in the private suite. Oy. But seriously, you better stay six feet apart. Hey, it’s good quarantine practice.
  51. I get for suspense they wanted it to seem like one couple or whatnot would get the final prize, but it was obvious based on how the whole show was set up that everyone would get a piece of the fund. And Francesca’s smug face when it was just her and her beau standing, ugh. So selfish and snooty. Nope. Then, her face when Sharron was next to stand up and then, everyone else? Like, huh, karma hun, that’s what you get for being so mean-spirited and arrogant.
  52. This was filmed a year ago. How many of them are still together? (Or at least attempted to last outside the resort.) Come on, Netflix, gimme the tea and a reunion like now.

Wow, that was truly trash and sleazy. But like, wow, it’s addictive.

Listening to My Gut and Critiquing the Cast of ‘Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart’

The Bachelor is getting musical, y’all. Well, technically, they always have been based on who goes on this show but now they are fully embracing that with their latest spin-off, The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart. 

After the garbage fire that was Pilot Pete’s season (which I stopped watching after episode 2, sorry not sorry) and the shitstorm that is the anxiety-ridden news right now, we need something mindless to lift our spirits. Luckily, ABC is here to do that with the new spin-off, premiering this April. On the show, the cast will *cough cough* journey to find love through musically themed, romantic dates.

Before the show debuts, the network has released the official cast bios for the aspiring musicians, and true to form, I’m here to give my authentic (and likely snarky) first thoughts.

So, it’s time to listen to my heart gut (see what I did there?) and meet the cast.


Bekah, 25

Genre: Musical theater

OMG, finally us musical theater nerds get a bit of representation! According to her bio, she follows her dreams professionally where things are going well, in sharp contrast to her love life. Sound right on par for most contestants.

Can We Just: She hopped a fence, with her mother, to attempt to see Kim Kardashian’s house. And admitted that out loud? Saying she’s never been on a date, sure that’s fair considering the history of this show. But um ok then??


Brandon, 34

Genre: American folk pop

Gasp, someone over the age of 30! He’s a veteran who has found solace in music, so I feel like I can’t be too negative since that’s so lovely.

Can We Just: He once opened for Jason Derulo in Times Square. How? I wanna know more, Derulo’s a sharp contrast from folk-type music.

 


Bri, 28

Genre: Pop

She seems like a hopeless romantic, blah blah blah, how very sugary sweet.

Can We Just: Gluten allergy? That’s your fun fact?

 

 


Cheyenne, 23

Genre: R&B

Look, we have our baby of the class! She wants to find someone with “strong masculine energy,” okie dokie, good luck with that, hun.

Can We Just: LOL, her fun fact is that she’s never been to a nightclub before. Well, sure that tracks, she’s only been legal and able to get in for less than two years.


Chris, 30

Genre: Soul

Paging Adam Sandler, because we’ve got a wedding singer here! Blah blah, he’s passionate to pursue his musical dreams.

Can We Just: Nothing to report here, he seems normal and even used to work for UNICEF, participating in mission trips globally.

 


Danny, 26

Genre: Singer-songwriter

Yea, that tracks based on his headshot. Wow, he has 1 million online followers. What, is that supposed to impress me? Or any girl looking for love? Like, he just looks like he has heartbreak written all over him. Nope, just nope.

Can We Just: He beatboxes too. Pass.

 

 


Gabe, 28

Genre: Soul/ folk

An all-american, Texas boy walks into the mansion… and that’s all I have so far.

Can We Just: Custom stationary. Can I get proof??? (LOL, I love papers, I wanna see!!)

 


Jack, 38

Genre: Country

Yee-haw, how long did it take to find a country artist for this show?? OK, he’s a single father who is looking for a partner to share a future with. That’s nice.

Can We Just: He “has a necklace tattoo in case he ever forgets his real necklace.” No.


Jamie, 21

Genre: Pop country

Scratch what I said earlier, she is our baby of the class! Sweet and fun-loving, apparently, but I get Hannah Ann vibes here. Gulp, here we go again.

Can We Just: The only thing she wants is for a guy to serenade her. That’s it? All you want, sweetie?

 


Josh, 31

Genre: Country and pop

Meh. Divorced, lives in Nashville, trying to make it. I feel like I’ve heard this one before.

Can We Just: Singing. Uber. Driver.

 

 


Julia, 27

Genre: Pop

Could they only find girls that were pop singers or something??

Can We Just: “She cannot wait to meet her husband!” Wow, a little strong there?

 


Mariana, 23

Genre: R&B and pop

Apparently she looks sweet, but has some spice. Oy, that means drama is coming. Ladies, best not stand in her way when it comes to a guy she likes.

Can We Just: Meh, nothing that interesting here.

 


Matt, 32

Genre: Neo-soul

What a shock, he caught “the bug” when we was young and moved to LA.

Can We Just: His “longest relationship has been with his beard.” I just.

 

 


Mel, 27

Genre: Indie rock

She dislikes the modern dating world and dating apps, which, don’t we all, hun. Don’t we all.

Can We Just: She “used to skip class to watch John Mayer videos,” which like, you couldn’t do that after or before classes??

 


Michael Todd, 31

Genre: Singer-songwriter

You know, he’s got a brand to consider when we get his full name. Didja know, he has a single that’s gotten 100,000+ plays on Spotify? Definitely here for his brand. Oy, please tell me he’s not another Jed; I won’t make it the full season!

Can We Just: “The man with two first names” is “the life of the party.” Blech, pass.


Natascha, 33

Genre: Pop

An international pop star, huh? Can you match the success of one Lizzie McGuire and Isabella duo??

Can We Just: She named one of her dogs “Frou Frou.” No joke.

 

 


Ruby, 25

Genre: Indie pop

Country girl, fiddle player, meh nothing else to report.

Can We Just: She’s “performed for all five living U.S. presidents.” Um, my dear, that is what we call a humble brag.

 


Rudi, 24

Genre: R&B and pop

Her hobby is napping, well, you got me there. Naps are great. Just ask Corinne.

Can We Just: “She knows that she has a crazy side,” and she’s volunteering that information to prospective dates and the whole world?

 


Russell, 26

Genre: American folk

An Indiana boy who moved to the Big Apple to pursue his dreams. Very typical.

Can We Just: He’s a knife-throwing instructor. Seriously, don’t wanna get on his bad side.

 


Alright, there you have it, folks. Well, see ya in April, Bach Nation, as we see if this can live up to the Bachelor hype we’ve come to love to hate.

First Impressions on the Women Vying for Roses on ‘The Bachelor’

In case you’ve been living under a rock and missed the news that ABC crowned its new Bachelor leading man as soon as the Paradise beach closed for the season, to absolutely no one’s surprise, it’s Peter. Peter Weber, aka Pilot Pete from Hannah Brown’s most recent Bachelorette season, is a Delta airline pilot ready to take his own flight for love as the new leading man. Can you say “on the wings of love… part two??

Not that Pilot Pete isn’t swoonworthy, sweet, and full of, ahem, stamina, but we’ve had twenty-something seasons of Peters in previous years, and I’m bored. Why couldn’t we have just had Mike?? Or Wills? Gosh, ABC I’m still not over it. (And to the human who told me to my face that Mike got “too boring” after Paradise for the gig, SHAME ON YOU.)

Anyway, like the trash TV viewer I am, I’m still going to watch it. And since the January 2020 premiere date is just around the corner, the network has revealed the cheesy and funny cast bios of the women clamoring for a chance to be Peter’s copilot on this journey of love. Get ready as I reveal my honest first impressions of these influencers-in-training before they step out of the limo on TV this winter.


Alayah, 24

We’ve got our first beauty queen of the season, y’all! She may be Miss Texas now, but it took her four times to win. Maybe four times in Bach Nation is her next calling?? Apparently drama is coming with “familiar faces from her past [resurfacing].” Oy, have we not suffered enough from Hannah B. V. Caelynn??

Can We Just (A new feature where I break down something I just cannot believe a human being has said.): Her favorite social media platform is Reddit. Like, is that still a thing?

 


Alexa, 27

We’ve got a normie! By that I mean, she looks completely normal, like a real person with a sensible moral compass. She may have trouble being vulnerable, so I have a feeling her biggest hurdle to overcome is herself.

Fellow book nerd, FTW!

Can We Just: She moved to a brand-new city through a coin flip. Was that how she applied for this show too? Heads for Bach or Tails for Love Island?

 


Avonlea, 27

I kid you not, she’s actually a cattle rancher. But also a model, because, naturally. Her parents first met when her mom was a flight attendant. Which means, get your Bach bingo card ready for air travel references!! Hello, On the Wings of Love Part II.

Can We Just: “Every time she milks one of her cows, she thanks it for its hard work.” Marie Kondo approved.

 

 

 


Courtney, 26

After two failed relationships this Floridian is looking for a man and her soulmate. She really likes tanning, which like look at her photo; I get it.

Can We Just: Her biggest turn-on is a man in cowboy boots. Like the biggest? Most important quality?

 

 

 

 


Deandra, 23

She’s independent yet really likes to be the center of attention. Well, hun, someone wants to be the Bachelorette right?? Despite being fiercely independent, she still needs a man to kill a spider for her. Very interesting.

Can We Just: Her family has already set aside a seat for Peter at their holiday table just in case she wins. Oops?

 

 

 


Eunice, 23

We’ve got a flight attendant! A reformed sorority party girl, who’s left that lifestyle in the past. I mean, you’ve since graduated college, geez, I would hope so.

Can We Just: Her signature dance moves is the “ponytail helicopter.” What the F is that?

 

 

 

 


Hannah Ann, 23

Serious Hannah G. vibes from this country-girl turned model. Artsy, talkative. Ohhh do I get Alabama Hannah vibes actually?

Can We Just: She’s volunteering to the boy she wants to date (and other future boys she’ll date in Bach Nation) that she lives at home still. Bold choice.

 

 

 

 


Jade, 26

Here we go, y’all. Our second flight attendant of the season. Which air hostess will make the better first impression pun about their shared career in the sky?

Can We Just: She’s a flight attendant yet is very afraid of heights. Like.

 

 

 


Jasmine, 25

Another book nerd, hey, welcome aboard! She seems genuine, normal, and ready to find a husband and start popping out Bach Nation babies. I have a feeling we’ll see her in Paradise this summer.

Can We Just: The man of her dreams will help her build a table. That’s your benchmark goal? Uhhhh, alrighty then.

 

 

 


Jenna, 22

We have our baby of the class! A down-to-Earth Midwesterner who really takes her trivia nights seriously.

Can We Just: Her pet goldfish gives her advice? Is he magic??

 

 

 

 


Katrina, 28

#TheLastSingleGirl or that’s at least how this pro dancer feels in her circle. A cat lady who’s big into Aladdin and Princess Jasmine. Ashley I. vibes, anyone??

Can We Just: she dressed her cat up as her for Halloween, and she dressed up as the cat. Dead serious.

 

 

 

 


Kelley, 27

Seriously, Andi Dorfman is that you?? We’ve got a doppelgänger with this attorney. A focused lawyer with high standards who won’t settle. You Go Girl. I wouldn’t be mad to watch her journey continue in Paradise.

Can We Just: She’s allergic to black tea. That’s a thing? How do you find out about that allergy?

 

 

 


Kelsey, 28

We got another beauty queen fresh from the cornfields! I think Peter’s gonna like her, because it seems like blondes are his type.

Can We Just: Uh oh, she says she’s like an onion. Here we go, Ashley S. 2.0. Yikes.

 

 

 

 

 


Kiarra, 23

A social butterfly who loves to talk. Great, enjoy talking to the press because I think she’ll be an early exit.

Can We Just: She’s “extremely” turned off by teeth grinders. How oddly specific?

 

 

 

 


Kylie, 26

Ohhh, she’s gotta go far, right? A Cali girl, a family girl, and a planner. Seems like she and her mom already have Mr. and Mrs. Weber wedding invites monogrammed already.

Can We Just: She’s looking for a rom-com type of love. But like, that’s all staged and fake? Wouldn’t you want something real?

 

 


Lauren, 26

She’s a BAWSE lady looking for a partner in crime. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders, lets hope a little camera time and future Insta endorsements won’t cloud that.

Can We Just: She gives all her exes exit interviews. I mean, actually kind of brilliant.

 

 

 


Lexi, 26

Also, she looks like she’d be Peter’s type. Oh boy, she’s ready specifically for a baby daddy. Buckle up, Peter.

Can We Just: She’d rather be buried alive than trapped in a room with frogs.

 

 

 

 


Madison, 23

At 23, she’s ready to settle down?? Like, I just don’t understand. Very faith-oriented. Interesting place to be to find love then.

Can We Just: A former basketball girl. Who’s still gloating about her high school glory days.

 

 

 

 


Maurissa, 23

A former teen beauty queen! What a twist. Mazel, congrats on her impressive weight loss.

Can We Just: She likes to break into song when she’s feeling confident. Well, you better rein that in now, because copyright.

 

 

 


Megan, 26

Geez, a third flight attendant? What, were they having a sale? She’s a hopeless romantic who didn’t let her parents’ divorce mess her dreams of true love up. Wow, impressive.

Can We Just: A “face mask enthusiast.” ABC, please make that her lower-third career. Please.

 

 

 

 


Mykenna, 22

Another baby of the crew! She’s a fashion blogger, so clearly, she can’t wait for the FabFitFun Insta deals to start rolling in this spring.

Can We Just: She’s obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. Gotta get that ABC cross-promotion in, huh?

 

 

 


Natasha, 31

As Demi would call her “the cougar.” Her photo is not a great choice, the ABC photogs did her dirty with this one.

Can We Just: DISCO. YOGA.

 

 

 

 

 


Payton, 23

I can feel it: she’s a Level 5 clinger.

Can We Just: She admits to living in her parents’ basement. Like, thanks for sharing with the class but you definitely did not have to, girl.

 

 

 

 


Sarah, 24

A Southern Belle and book nerd!

Can We Just: She loathes slugs. Like loathes. That’s strong.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Savannah, 27

She’s really ready to get out of Texas. How bout the Bachelor Mansion??

Can We Just: “She enjoys shopping at Revolve” and is really hoping for an endorsement deal after this is over. Sorry, had to give my edits.

 

 

 

 


Shiann, 27

Oof, she’s very unlucky in love. (I feel you, girl.) She loves traveling, so is that why she wanted to apply for this show?

Can We Just: The best part of her body is her lower back. How very specific.

 

 

 

 

 


Sydney, 24

Oof, another unlucky in love girl.

Can We Just: She enjoys planning fantasy vacations for her and her future husband. Why not actually go to those places??

 

 

 

 


Tammy, 24

She’s a house flipper! Hello, mini Joanna Gaines or JoJo Fletcher! She hasn’t told her mom she’s gonna be on the show, well, this bio is certainly one way to break the ice. I’d totally vote for her as Bachelorette, just saying. The 24-year-old young thing gives me pause, but her personality makes me think she’s mature enough or ready. Or at least, she’ll find her person in Paradise.

Can We Just: She doesn’t relate well to “blonde Barbie” types. Well, her time in the Mansion is sure to be quite interesting then.


Victoria F., 25

She wants a man to love her through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Hey, don’t we all?? A yogi and a medical sales rep, I can tell, while she may not find love on The Bachelor, she’ll walk away with some new besties. That is, if she makes it past L.A. dates.

Can We Just: She and her dog are a package deal. Again. bold move to start with that up front.

 

 


Victoria P., 27

Hey, I wonder if my family knows her family since they’re from the same time. Too weird? Ok, bye. Again, she seems like she’s just Peter’s type and will make it far and capture his attention. Ohh, and what do you know, she’s also a former pageant girl. What a shock.

Can We Just: Her biggest fear is chicken served on the bone. Welp. I think that beats scaredy-cat Annaliese.

 

 

 


And those are the ladies ready for the chance to romance Pilot Pete on national television. Who do you think will walk away with the Delta pilot’s final rose and who will snag the first management deal? And will Peter be the next star to compete on DWTS? Stay tuned this January for On the Wings of Love, Part II.

Commenting on The First Crop of Islanders on CBS’s ‘Love Island’

Many of you may already know I find reality TV (and trashy shows at that) my not-so-guilty pleasure. Hence, the plethora of The Bachelorette/ The Bachelor cast roasts I’ve taken upon myself to post on here. No shame, we all judge.

One show I even like more than the Bach franchise is the U.K.-based reality goldmine of Love Island. One,  England knows how to produce some quality reality TV and I love it all. Especially the original series (hey, no pies from me!), which has it all: witty British banter, lovely accents, silly games, steamy romances and couplings, and so much drama that I live for. While I do not know yet if the U.S. version will live up to the hype of the original, I do know that they have released cast photos and bios. Which means that I’m pretty much obligated to tell the truth about what I really think based on first impressions alone. So, let’s get started.

Cashel, 27

The Cali-based model and musician (which, of course) is apparently quite the romantic who, “already has a ring and is looking for the perfect girl to give it to.” I’m sorry, pardon?? I’m a little thrown off, and a little intrigued as to why. Ok back to him: a self-described go-getter, sporty type who is looking for someone funny. Hey, aren’t we all?

 

 

Kyra, 22

Based in LA (I’m sensing a theme!), she is a musician as well. She’s very into music and wants an artsy yet funny guy to volunteer with her once they leave the Fiji villa. Which, ok, seems like a normal gal minus the whole “I’m a musician and probably want to promote my band” thing.

 

 

Zac, 22

First, let’s take a deep dive at his cast headshot. The pose strikes a strong party, fratty guy type of vibe and immediately I want to pass. The Chicago native works as a grocery story cashier and I need to know if he knows Grocery Story Joe from Bach Nation??? Back to his bio: the young-looking college football player is looking for a wifey. He does want someone he can trust and build a family with, as well as will watch all the rom-coms with you. However, there’s something about his look and age that, like, I can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be a game player in the villa.

 Alana, 21

She’s a college student based in New Haven. She’s never been in a relationship before (just like air hostess Amy currently in the Majorica villa), but has a long checklist of what she wants, including “minimal facial hair.” The optimistic girl once won prom queen in high school “even though she did not run, campaign, or nominate herself. *cough cough, humble brag, much?*

 

Weston, 25

OMG Luke P is that you?? *hides under the covers* The Dallas-based photographer could be a dead ringer for the problematic Bachelorette contestant. He is described as a southern gentleman, an adrenaline junkie, and has worked in construction. He (I guess, proudly?) sports denim-on-denim but I sincerely hope for his wellbeing he doesn’t wear a Canadian tuxedo in the sweltering villa.

 

Yamen, 24

The Los Angeles real estate agent is very fit, no sense of lying about that. He played football in college, followed by a brief stink in the NFL before selling real estate. He claims he’s a catch and that overly confident persona has knocked him a few points down. Gives me Marcel vibes from series three of the original.

 

 

Mallory, 25

Duck lips, FTW! Ok, I’m just joking, but the Washington-based Nike analyst seems to be a fan. She’s described as the life of the party who is looking for her perfect match. I’m sensing a Laura or Camilla storyline from the British series’ third and fourth seasons.

 

 

Alexandra, 25

The L.A. publicist wants the girl-next-door persona, evident from her hand-heart pose. She’s a tomboy who enjoys white wine (same, girl), smelly cheeses (umm, ok?), and belting T.Swift tunes. She likes guys with tats and is ready to get serious about dating. I bet she is already prepping some Insta endorsement posts already.

 

 

 

Caro, 21

She’s also located in LA, where she is currently studying marketing. The Amber doppelgänger is a world traveler looking for an adventurous partner in crime. Her most important traits for a guy? Height and intelligence. If you’re on a dating reality show, will you find the latter though???

 

 

Elizabeth, 24

Scratch that, Alexandra, the NYC advertising exec is here to take on the girl-next-door role. Literally, she hails from a small town in Michigan and is sick of the world of dating apps and ready to find love in the villa. She likes a guy who can carry a tune, and being that half of these guys are musicians, I think she’l be pleased.

 

 

Michael, 29

OK, TELL ME HE DOESN’T LOOK EERILY SIMILAR TO TOM? The guy who just got booted out on the UK series. He’s the oldest boy in the villa so far, and is a working model from Miami. He’s a vegan. Pass. He enjoys working out. Double pass. Ok, bye. Then, he likes meeting people by “walking into a room and watching every head turn.” Ick, nope. See ya.

 

I do have to note there’s a staggeringly low lack of diversity so far: racially, body size, or seven sexual orientation, and I do hope later Islanders will get more progressive and representative. Please come through, CBS casting!

Well, those are the first group of Islanders about to couple up under the Fiji sun, and hopefully we’ll see plenty of pies, hilarious challenges, and swoonworthy romances as the show airs five nights a week (!!) on CBS. Seriously, five nights a week? Even Big Brother caps out at three. I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it, but ok, I’m ready, let’s start binging.

Roasting the New Crop of Suitors on Season 15 of “The Bachelorette”

It’s that time again: the Bachelor Mansion has once again opened its doors to one eligible lady and a brand-new crop of 30 suitors clamoring for her attention and potential hand in marriage.

Before next week kicks off the season, let’s meet the guys. You know the drill by now: based exclusively on the headshots and brief bios, I will run through my first impressions and judgments of these men looking to date 24-year-old former beauty queen and recent college graduate Hannah “Beast” Brown. Let’s get started.

First off, here’s a brief look at each guy giving their best Hannah growling impression (is that supposed to be impressive? k, pls let me know, thx) and a sappy AF pick-up line, which turn around and go. Bye.

Now, the men:

Brian, 30

The Kentucky math teacher, guess what? Likes math. PASS. I mean this line is nice and all: “Brian is passionate about helping his students achieve their dreams and is hoping this journey will lead him to his dream woman,” but like, numbers. Nah, you lost me. But all in all, seems like an all-American yet slightly dorky white male.

Cam, 30

We met him at AFTR, where he rapped and got the first First Impression rose. My feelings were lukewarm even then. His bio stresses he is competitive, the life of the party, and loves The Notebook. Nice to meet you, Cam, and allow me to show you the door. Bye.

Chasen, 27

The Michigan-based pilot apparently chose his career because “women love a man in a uniform.” That’s why you chose your profession? NEXT, puh-lease. He is also a Bach superfan, so you know he can’t wait for his eps to air. Hey, you’ll be posting teasers on Insta weekly, amirite??

Connor J., 28

First off you know it’s a very basic and white season when there are multiple men with the names Connor, Luke, and Tyler. Moving on to lucky bachelor Connor J. His bio says he’s a Southern gentlemen and apparently has manners up the wazoo, but like, isn’t that something all guys say to try and land a girl?

Connor S., 24

He has Bieber fever! I feel like that says it all. Can I inquire what era is his favorite? Like shaggy-haired “Baby-“singing J.Biebs is completely different from mugshot, homeless-looking Biebs. And then, this line just rubs me the wrong way: “Not only is he easy on the eyes,” I just can’t.

Daron, 25

An IT consultant, he–of course– is a former college athlete and self-proclaimed “giant teddy bear.” Clay vibes, anyone??

Devin, 27

The talent manager (maybe he can manage the up-and-coming influencer careers of his soon-to-be housemates??) seems to really take value in love and finding his person. Oh, and also, Wills (from Boring Becca’s season) is a dear friend. Because how dear of a friendship could it be if all of ABC’s viewers didn’t know about it??

Dustin, 30

He just wants love, and by someone who will meet the approval of his mama and precious pooch.

Dylan, 24

This is just a sea of basic AF white boys, isn’t it?? The “handsome engineer” (I swear to god it actually said that.) founded a fitness company. PASS. Wait, dude can cook? Gotta circle back. (I mean, if you’ll feed me, aka a girl who can barely boil water, all can be forgotten.)

Garrett, 27

He is a pro golfer. And yawn. Also, an Alabama native. If he and Hannah get to talking, what are the odds ABC will subtitle them with their respective accents?

Grant, 30

OH, POOR BUDDY. His career is actually listed as unemployed. Yo, ABC, no fake or made-up title? Poor guy. I just can’t let it go. But, dude “has a hard time believing that any young guy who comes on The Bachelorette is ‘here for the right reasons,’ and he plans to call them out on it.” And so, I guess he’ll be shit-stirring the pot a bit?

Hunter, 24

Stand back Mr. Pro Golfer, we got a Pro Surfer ready to catch a wave into Hannah’s heart… (ABC, did I get your bio formula right?? Would you hire me? LOLOLOL). And he still lives at home with the ‘rents, so is he ready for marriage?

Jed, 25

This definitely-country boy is a singer-songwriter. Aw, our first one this season! I’m getting– what’s the country one’s name from seasons past– vibes? (Oh, Joshua with the leg tat from Idaho from JoJo’s season and Joe from Kaitlyn’s season, right? It’s the country boy thing.) I swear, drinking game for every time he shows up in a leather jacket this season!

Joe, 30

His career is “The Box King,” and I’m sorry, what? Oh, his family has a cardboard box business, okay, I guess that makes sense then. His cockiness, not so much. I’m sorry Joe but Bach Nation has room for only one Joe from Chi-town in our hearts: and that’s Grocery Story Joe.

Joey, 33

The old man of this batch of men is ready to settle down, minivan and all. Hey, Joey, if you show up to the mansion night one in a minivan, we’ll all know you just copied Garrett (the winner from last season), just saying…

John Paul Jones, 24

Why put your full name, unless you consider this your brand, acting audition, or whatever BS you label it as? His bio is basically one long, running gag about his three-word name. K, can you talk about anything else? Interests? Passions? Job? Family? Anything? Anything?

Jonathan, 27

He’s a server in LA, so basically an aspiring actor, right?? Another life of the party, always-clubbing dude, and I’m over it. Bye.

Kevin, 27

This small town guy had me saying “damn” to his career: “He works as a behavioral health specialist for the army, helping vets deal with trauma.” Mazel tov. And then, he enjoys “pumping iron” and travels… to the gym a lot. Check, please.

Luke P., 24

He’s looking extra Colton-like, right? This “good Christian boy” (I swear this info is coming direct LOL) really wants a wife, especially after some mysterious “religious awakening” in college, because sure.

Luke S., 29

He wishes he could be Nick Viall. He’s a political fundraiser, lover of tequila, apparently “once hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush” and continues to talk about it all the time, and made a very inappropriate upon meeting Hannah on AFTR for the first time. Thank u, next.

Matt Donald, 26

First off, shame on ABC. You write this line: “Matt’s brother and parents are deaf, and he grew up speaking sign language.” And immediately follow it up with “We love a man that can communicate what he’s thinking with his hands without ever saying a word, and we think Hannah will too.” Boo. Thumbs down for the network. Onto him, woah, coming on really strong by saying he “loves Hannah and he hasn’t even met her.” No thanks to him and the network’s lack of a PC bio.

Matteo, 25

The guy founded a VR tech start up, has lived all over the world, is a strong and silent type, once chugged milk for a talent show, and oh yea, is a “sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families.” Ya know, just casually throw that in there.

Matthew, 23

He’s a “Car Bid Spotter” and I have legit no clue what that means. Auctioneering. A “Bid Spotter,” what? He has lots of tattoos, has never been out of the country, and enjoys exercising, and hanging with friends or his little sister, who is an actual toddler. And that about sums him up.

Mike, 31

This very energetic vet has a lot of swag and energy for all types of active activities. See ya later.

Peter, 27

Another pilot of the group. Do you think the two have ever crossed paths, or in the sky? You know, before living in a Cali mansion together and dating the same beauty queen? Also, how is your granny’s name a fun fact about you? He apparently is a fan of line dancing, which would immediately rule out a potential date in my eyes.  (Hey, my friend once twisted her ankle learning a line dancing. It’s dangerous, I’ve seen it firsthand!)

Ryan, 25

He’s a “Roller Boy,” no explanation given, but hey, dude, can I get one? He’s a risk-taker and adventurous, but hates birds. Nice to meet ya there, hope you enjoy your car ride home after a short journey.

Scott, 28

A Windy City native with spiky, gelled-up hair. He calls himself a catch and that’s all I need to bolt. But, he admires Kris Jenner, so before I split, can you please hand in an 1,000-word essay to the class on why you look up to the momager and savvy business mogul?

Thomas, 27

He’s not just a pro basketballer, he’s an international pro basketball player. Should I be oohing here? FOR A YEAR. He played pro ball overseas for ONE year, and that’s the career the show goes with??

Tyler C., 25

A former football player, and TBH, Hannah should run away from a guy boasting how he was almost in the NFL. No one wants a Colton repeat. *shudders*

Tyler G., 28

He’s laidback and would rather read than go clubbing. I’m on board. *keeps reading* He’s a Crossfitter and relaxes on his own boat. I retract my previous statement, y’all.

All in all, what a bunch of duds in this group. I wasn’t the most outspoken Hannah for Bachelorette supporter, but I honestly feel sorry for her. Because these guys are bland, and basic, and frankly not “here for the right reasons.” What can I say, I call it like I see it.

As much as I thought Colton and Becca’s respective seasons would be my last as a dutiful member of Bachelor Nation, honestly, the first look at the season has reeled me back in, and I’m here for the drama that’s coming, not for the journey or any potential to find an S.O. for a suitable amount of time before your Instagram blue checkmark arrives. So, I guess, I’ll see y’all on Monday nights.

Breaking Down the Women Competing for Roses on This Year’s “The Bachelor”

By now, we’ve probably forgotten all about the most boring season of The Bachelorette in franchise history (sorry, Becca). And after a difficult time dumping our fave (and Raven’s BFF) Tia in Paradise, it was revealed that COLTON (the former footballer turned kids’ charity founder slash virgin) will be the next lead. Not Jason, Not Blake, Not Ben Higgins, Not Wills, but Colton. I swear, I’m not bitter or anything… Whatever, I’m fine, I’m fine…

Now, that we are less than one month away from the January premiere, ABC has dropped the names, headshot, and bios about the 30 women vying for Colton’s heart, or just to take his V-card. Honestly, it’s probably 50-50. Or, more likely, to become Insta B-listers with a little blue checkmark to solidify their Fab Fit Fun and gummy hair vitamin endorsement deals.

So, now let’s go through my first impressions and judgements of these women who’ve voluntarily chosen to appear on this reality show. Let’s get started, and to be frank, I had plenty to say and judge when first reading through these, that and I was bored. Yawn.

Alex B.

  • She’s 29, so decent age, of someone ready to get married.
  • She’s a dog rescuer, like for real, so that’s cool. And something she and Colton can bond over,
  • Mouth.

 

 

Alex D.

  • She’s 23, which speaking as a 23-year-old, is she truly ready for marriage?? Because like I’m personally a long ways off. Maybe I just don’t get it. Whatever.
  • Her career is listed as a “sloth” for some reason… So, that is her intro to Colton I’m guessing?
  • Very into New England region. Apparently that’s all there is to her.

 

Angelique

  • Age 28, works in marketing sales, from New Jersey = average.
  • Seems friendly enough.

 

 

 

Annie

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • Country girl raised on a farm. Now in finance in the Big Apple.
  • Was she the girl that left Colton and ranted about him on Snapchat?? So, spoilers, don’t put her in her Bach bracket at the end..

 

 

Bri

  • The 24-year-old model from Cali, is more than just a pretty face. Oh, I’m sorry, Barbie, is it?
  • Her biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. Um, ok?? (BTW, I’m crying laughing reading this.) And as one recap already pointed out, is a silent-yet-deadly one ok then?? Real questions.

 

 

Caelynn

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • This young lady won Miss North Carolina 2018, and has a past with another contestant, Miss Alabama. Drama? Obviously, because they battled for the same crown. And here they are battling for the same prize Colton once more.
  • She’s not just a beauty queen… she flew to Japan once for a first date… Oh, has she been on The Bachelor before? (I know, I know, I’m not the first, and certainly not the last to make that joke, but if the shoe fits.)

Caitlin

  • The Toronto-based 25-year-old realtor seems likable and normal.
  • Chris Harrison compared her to fan-fave Kaitlyn Bristowe, so those are some big shoes to fill, Caitlin.

 

 

 

Cassie

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • She’s a speech pathologist, but her bio still says completing her degree. Um, consistency?
  • However, she wants to work with kids using her degree, so mazel tov, and I hope that can happen for you. Truly.

 

 

Catherine

  • First off, there is no way she’s 26. She’s gotta be older.
  • Strong Krystal vibes. Including that Chris Harrison called her a villain. Hmmm.
  • She’s “DJ Agro” in Ft. Lauderdale, um def, villain vibes.
  • Next.

 

 

Courtney

  • Another 23-year-old! OK, so considering Colton is 26, 23 isn’t too young, it’s just to me personally, it seems very young, considering you barely know who you are at that age and what you want to do.
  • She’s a caterer hoping “she has the recipe for love” with Colton, man, the ABC producers get cheesier and cheesier.

 

 

Demi

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • Texas country girl.
  • Her bio says “keep an eye on this one??” Is that a spoiler or just that she has big eyes??? Real questions.
  • I feel like she’s going to go far.

 

 

Devin

  • Another 23-year-old! However, she has a Masters degree, mazel.
  • She likes yoga, and eh, it’s fine.

 

 

 

 

Elyse

  • At 31, she’s definitely the eldest.
  • Originally from Alaska (is that a first from the show?), she now resides in Scottsdale— does she know Arie?? I have a feeling that A-word will be brought up this season.

 

 

Erika

  • She’s “The Nut.” Enough said.
  • Also, her talent is “being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” F U. Also, you won’t be winning over America with that line.

 

 

 

Erin

  • Her career is listed as “Cinderella,” which her bio completely backs up. Um, so entrance?
  • Also, she loves PSL. HAHAHAHA, I’m cackling by now.

 

 

 

Hannah B.

  • Another 23-year-old!
  • The 2018 Miss Alabama, who has a past with Miss North Carolina Caelynn, apparently bleeds Alabama. How many Roll Tide references will we get this season?

 

 

Hannah G.

  • Another 23-year-old!
  • Also from Alabama, the “content creator,” which is her real career listed, “plans photo shoots for her next posts.” So, she’s so ready for the Instagram endorsements to roll in.
  • Is content creator code for unemployed? But like in a nice way?
  • She likes glamping, so puhlease producers put her on a down-and-dirty date. Like Corinne with the cow dung shoveling date. I’m cackling just thinking about what could be.

Heather

  • She’s 22, so similar to my thoughts on the 23-year-olds.
  • Her career is “never been kissed,” which feels mean to call out. I mean, Colton’s career wasn’t virgin last year! That’s an unfair double standard.
  • Giving me strong Kendall vibes from last year.

 

 

Adrianne “Jane”

  • Her name is Adrianne, but she goes by Jane. And she’s categorized alphabetically with the J’s. How does one go from Adrianne to Jane? Is it like Jane Doe? Is she in Witness Protection? I have so many questions.
  • She’s a social worker, so mazel tov on helping others.
  • She seems nice and friendly, it’s just the name thing.

 

 

Katie

  • Meh, nothing interesting to report or joke about.

 

 

 

 

Kirpa

  • She looks like Shushanna from years past on the show.
  • Eh, I have a feeling she won’t stay past day one or two.

 

 

 

Laura

  • She wants moved to Spain “on a whim.” Why? and Why did she move back? Producers dig deeper with these bios.
  • But, YAWN.

 

 

 

Nicole

  • She looks familiar. No idea who she resembles though.
  • She hails from Havana. Ooh Na Na.
  • She seems like a younger, female version of Rachel’s love Bryan.

 

 

 

Nina

  • Geez, that’s a sad back story.
  • She’s watched The Bachelor with her mom and grandma for years, so her career could be “Superfan,” right???

 

 

 

Onyeka

  • Mmm, k. This is Onyeka. Of which I don’t know how to pronounce your name.

 

 

 

 

Revian

  • Her name reminds me of Evian and Revlon.
  • Her career is listed as nurse but in her bio, it says she’s an esthetician, which are two very different jobs. Does she not know what she does??

 

 

 

Sydney

  • She seems very normal, which is a low bar for the show, which means I like her already.
  • It seems to be the “never” season: she’s never had a boyfriend, Kendall 2.0 has never been kissed, and Colton is a virgin. Hmmm, purposeful?
  • I’d put her far in my Bach bracket, for this season, for Paradise, for Bachelorette running.

 

 

Tahzjuan

  • Not going to attempt to pronounce her name. I just hope Chris Harrison or Colton do not butcher it.
  • She has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas,” so that explains why she’s on this reality dating show. Oh, how I love to tease.

 

 

Tayshia

  • She’s a phlebotomist and likes to volunteer. Seems nice and normal. No word on how long she’ll last, unfortunately, because I like her: she has purpose and drive.
  • We’ve come a long way from our beauty queens and content creators. Literally, we are in the Ts. But does Colton want a self-sufficient, successful girl or one who will settle for the career title of wife?

 

 

Tracy

  • I feel like she’ll be involved in drama this season.

 

 

 

 

It feels like a sea of girls who all look the same. Give Colton the strength to remember which one is which, because I’m already lost.

This season seems very boring. But, will I still be watching, obviously. Will I, like Colton, feel the desire to fling myself over a fence to escape this? Likely.

30 Thoughts I Had Watching Netflix’s “A Christmas Prince 2”

As you may have gathered, um, I’m as you could say, a bit obsessed with romantic comedies and cheesy love stories unfolding on screen. There’s just something about curling up and watch your troubles melt away when can watch a totally predictable and cheesy romance movie with zero regard for conflict and only a couple coming together. So settle in (I’m already wrapped up in my Snuggie.) and pop on the latest Netflix holiday flick, A Christmas Prince 2: A Royal Wedding, and once you’ve finished (or don’t mind spoilers), read on for a list of my random thoughts and musings I had during and after the cutesy holiday followup to last year’s festive flick.

Photo: Netflix

  1. Amber and Richard are still going strong… But like, how practical is it that a king can take off to visit his lady love whenever he wants. Especially she’s a blogger, like she can write anywhere. I mean, nothing is tying her to NYC.
  2. “I don’t want to get recognized!” Then, why did you (the future queen) fly into the country commercial?
  3. “I feel like a new person” HAHAHA they just had to address that they recast her father, to a slimmer, gruffer, less facial hair, and more hair-hair version…
  4. How much money did they spend on this? It looks poorly made, like horrible quality… Sorry, but I speak what I feel.
  5. Her new Pops asking if “all this stuff free” in the limo is such a MOOD. Like, 100 percent accurate and my life.
  6. Amber got a Meghan Markle casual look wardrobe update.
  7. Is it possible that Richard got even stiffer than the first film?
  8. The “haute couture” wedding gown? Yikes.
  9. Richard is being a jerk who doesn’t want to hear his love’s ideas or thoughts. HELLO, We as women have thoughts that are valid and important!
  10. Leopold (which, who?) is coming back from Monaco to help… Why do I get a bad feeling??
  11. SIMON! He’s gone… well, common. And, hair. Oh, and is he redeeming himself??
  12. Oy. That wedding dress and veil. Oooo.
  13. This lil’ shy, nerdy boy that clearly likes Emily is so cute. This is the love story I wanted in the movie. HEART MELTING.
  14. How dare they censor her blog? #FreedomOfThePress
  15. Did Richard just say “keep calm and carry on??” LOL, like, they aren’t in England.
  16. How dare the wedding planner and protocol head make Amber take off her dead mother’s locket for a busy J.Crew statement necklace??
  17. If this is a romance movie, why can’t Richard stick up for his supposed love?? Perhaps one reason why I cannot seem to get into this sequel.
  18. Simon and Amber’s bestie Melissa have more chemistry and have far more fire together than the future king and queen of Aldovia. Just saying..
  19. Can we discuss how they made the young princess Emily a master hacker/coder?? YASSSS. She is my fave.
  20. How very Meghan Markle of her to make Amber shutter her blog. She’s a writer; she loves to write. As the future queen, she should be allowed to do what she loves.
  21. HE DOESN’T DEFEND HER AND HER PASSIONS. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BUY THEM AS THE LEAD ROMANTIC COUPLE. HOW?
  22. We have 20 minutes left, and in a movie titled the wedding, where is the wedding, huh??
  23. I take back what I said about her dress earlier. This wedding dress she actually wears is far too plain, boring, and ill-fitting. Ew.
  24. This film feels like bad fan-fiction as opposed to having a good story to tell, like they tried to rush the idea of making a sequel to be timely with the real Royal Wedding.
  25. The inflatables on the royal Christmas tree look extremely tacky.
  26. Amber’s best friends finding love with Sahil and Simon, respectively, were too cute though, and made up for the lack of chemistry all damn movie between the two leads who were supposed to be madly in love.
  27. The Queen catching the bouquet presumably to fall in love with Amber’s butler is giving me Queen Clarisse and Joe love vibes from Princess Diaries and I am here for it. Almost as much as I am here for a Princess Emily spin-off feature film. Maybe her dull brother goes off on a foreign trip and she must save the day and steal the show (as if she doesn’t do that already). Buy that movie, Netflix.
  28. Has anyone ever made a Chanukah romance holiday movie? Because, that is a genius idea that they need to rectify. Like, you could even call one “The 8 Dates of Hanukkah.”
  29. Does the end of the film mean we are getting a third film??
  30. This film was pure trash, but did I watch it in its entirety? And rewatched to write this post? Obviously.

In pure Christmas romance movie (and Netflix) fashion, this brought out all the feels as we like to cozy up to watch cheesy romances unfold. If a third film (or frankly, any other romance from the platform) gets made, I’ll still be right here, watching every minute of it. We could all use a good, relaxing cheering-up sometimes…