My Immediate Reactions After Watching Netflix’s ‘Too Hot to Handle’ Series

One thing y’all know about me is that I’m a sucker for a good reality TV show, and the trashier the better. It’s a guilty pleasure, I’m not even guilty about. Upon seeing the trailer for Netflix’s latest foray into the dating reality TV game, Too Hot to Handle, it immediately looked bad — but in a way that I definitely needed to watch. And so I did. Oh boy, did I. And, um, it was A LOT. But instead of recapping what y’all missed, I thought I’d give my unfiltered and unapologetically honest first impressions and opinions of this series. Because, hey, it’s what I do and what I like.

First off, here’s the official trailer of the new show, from the streaming service that brought you Love is Blind.

So, keep reading for a list of all my random musings and thoughts I had while watching this trashy dating show starring beautiful people, places, and accents. I watched it so you don’t have to, and here’s what happened.

  1. Slow-mo beach/pool shots of beautiful people in swimsuits, OK, this is just like Love Island.
  2. They found “the hottest, horniest, commit-phobic swipesters,” like this is a real quote from the narrator.
  3. The resort is essentially run by a Siri or Alexa-type called Lana. Lana quietly and secretly gathers intel on the guests without their knowledge, how creepy.
  4. Essex girl Chloe is like every girl I’ve ever seen in all six seasons of Love Island.
  5. The are all like 20 years old; babies! Basically, there’s an air of immaturity around the lot.
  6. Sharron openly admitted that he’s most proud of his manhood, which, um, is the size of an air freshener. Which like, ew, we didn’t want to know that. (Hey, it’s been four minutes! Geez!)
  7. I can already tell Haley is going to be annoying: She has a tattoo in another language that she doesn’t know what it means and can’t stop doing her sorority chant. Just please stop.
  8. Within 5 minutes, I already can tell it is a pure dumpster fire. Like it’s so bad, but I just can’t look away.
  9. OK but seriously, Love Island and the entire Bachelor franchise both look classier than this. Which is saying a lot because people are making out and hooking up in like every episode.
  10. Did Harry just call the girls quesadillas? Like the food? Um. And then naughty possums? Creep alert.
  11. Most of them are models and influencers, of course. One dude (the Jesus lookalike) was even on America’s Next Top Model once upon a time, like obviously none of them are here for the right reasons.
  12. It’s just so ridiculous, but I just can’t look away.
  13. David walks into bars, whips his top off, and that works for him? I’d give him serious side-eye, like what the heck, that’s so unsanitary.
  14. OK Haley doesn’t know were Australia is. Like, I just. And yet, she’s in college??
  15. This show is rapidly decreasing my interest in dating as it continues to prove that men are The Worst and just trash even more. This song just gets me right now.
  16. One thing that really, really bugs me is that the lower thirds are inconsistent. It bothers me. For the US contestants, it says the state and USA, but international kids get their city and country code. For example, “Colorado, USA” or “New Jersey, USA” are not in the same style as “Essex, UK” or “Cork, Ireland.” Like, Colorado and New Jersey are states, and Essex and Cork are cities not states.
  17. There’s no way “Kelz” is his given name. Come on, please gimme a backstory and the real information.
  18. Harry is awful and not even the least bit cute. Like, how is he a hot commodity? Surely, it’s just the accent??
  19. This show is over the top and trash, but I can’t stop watching. OK, I’m in it and invested completely, just like the streaming service’s The Circle.
  20. Even the bedroom decor looks like it was inspired by Love Island meets the beachy vibes and palapas of Bachelor in Paradise.
  21. I cannot stand Francesca and Haley. These two girls are fake fake fake and snooty bullies and I do not like watching them on my TV screen.
  22. Real question: Considering this is an international show, how would these potential intercontinental relationships work on the outside? Like, I need follow-ups.
  23. Seriously, point deductions already? Can’t you keep it in your pants? You just met and there’s a cash prize on the line.
  24. How did the casting team find these people? They are all the absolute worst.
  25. Can’t touch, can’t kiss? Huh, seems like good practice for quarantine. Welcome to our new world!
  26. It’s truly mind-boggling, like, I just cannot.
  27. Rhonda’s nails are like talons. How is that comfortable?
  28. I swear, David’s only move seems to be applying sunscreen to girls. Like, no, please don’t touch me, we just met.
  29. The boys are flirting with Lana, who is a computer. Like, quite childish?
  30. Matthew and David don’t know a single man that’s gone a month without sexual practices? Um, welcome to quarantine life as singles, hun. LOL.
  31. Chloe is funny and my instant favorite. “Think of your nan” is my new favorite quote from one of these shows. Hahahaha.
  32. Like how is this hard? Girls, just avoid the temptation: don’t shave your legs, don’t put on makeup, cover up your bikinis. You have all the tools, use it. When there’s a giant sum of money on the line, wouldn’t it be worth it?
  33. This lot cannot even go two 12 minutes without breaking the rules. Like seriously?
  34. With each kiss worth $3,000 each, surely they are going to wind up with like $50 each??
  35. Ok, I keep forgetting that Nicole is there. Oof, girl does nothing. #freeholiday #unproblematic
  36. Ick, Harry is the worst. Why is he lying and pinning it all on Francesca. Boy, you’re canceled.
  37. Haley and Francesca must not be worried about money or financial obligations if they decide to break the rules out of revenge to intentionally drag the pot down without a care in the world. Like how selfish and immature are you?
  38. I’m watching these humans tie each other up. Oy, what is TV anymore?
  39. Sharron was so happy the truth came out that he and Rhonda didn’t break the rules that he says he “feels like OJ.” Um yea, I don’t know if I’d go down that route, yikes.
  40. LOLOL, Bryce joining the crew as a late arrival with no knowledge, then finding out immediately from the rest of the participants, oh it’s a priceless look.
  41. Lana reading out an itemized bill of infractions to the group is so savage.
  42. Poor Chloe, she keeps wasting money on kisses with boys whom she doesn’t fancy. Poor girl.
  43. Boys are learning to be vulnerable by covering each other in mud? Ummmm ok? Oh and then running across the garden with wooden spears? A weird version of Braveheart or something that I didn’t expect.
  44. Why is Bryce sleeping on the floor? Like, hun, you could share a bed with a friend, make a pillow wall, sleep on the couch in the living room or the outdoor bed. Why the floor?
  45. Banter! Banter! Banter! I like a bit of banter myself (it’s the Anglophile in me) but like no one has it? They just keep saying that’s what they like???
  46. Ooh poor David, he is so sunburnt. Yikes, that’s got to majorly hurt.
  47. Like Harry and Francesca, are you the least bit remorseful about costing the group $20,000? A bit selfish, huh?
  48. The girls take part in an empowerment workshop. Great, love it, we stan women being strong and independent. But, doing so by um taking a mirror up to their *ahem* yoni and then painting an artistic portrait of it? Yea, it’s a lot. Not even Love Island has gone there!
  49. Wait, Rhonda has a son? And she waited until the penultimate episode to reveal it to anyone? Like, wouldn’t you mention that in your voiceover? To your boyfriend? Someone, anyone?
  50. Oh, so y’all are putting faith in the couple who’s lost more than $30,000 to not touch at all for a whole night in the private suite. Oy. But seriously, you better stay six feet apart. Hey, it’s good quarantine practice.
  51. I get for suspense they wanted it to seem like one couple or whatnot would get the final prize, but it was obvious based on how the whole show was set up that everyone would get a piece of the fund. And Francesca’s smug face when it was just her and her beau standing, ugh. So selfish and snooty. Nope. Then, her face when Sharron was next to stand up and then, everyone else? Like, huh, karma hun, that’s what you get for being so mean-spirited and arrogant.
  52. This was filmed a year ago. How many of them are still together? (Or at least attempted to last outside the resort.) Come on, Netflix, gimme the tea and a reunion like now.

Wow, that was truly trash and sleazy. But like, wow, it’s addictive.

Listening to My Gut and Critiquing the Cast of ‘Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart’

The Bachelor is getting musical, y’all. Well, technically, they always have been based on who goes on this show but now they are fully embracing that with their latest spin-off, The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart. 

After the garbage fire that was Pilot Pete’s season (which I stopped watching after episode 2, sorry not sorry) and the shitstorm that is the anxiety-ridden news right now, we need something mindless to lift our spirits. Luckily, ABC is here to do that with the new spin-off, premiering this April. On the show, the cast will *cough cough* journey to find love through musically themed, romantic dates.

Before the show debuts, the network has released the official cast bios for the aspiring musicians, and true to form, I’m here to give my authentic (and likely snarky) first thoughts.

So, it’s time to listen to my heart gut (see what I did there?) and meet the cast.


Bekah, 25

Genre: Musical theater

OMG, finally us musical theater nerds get a bit of representation! According to her bio, she follows her dreams professionally where things are going well, in sharp contrast to her love life. Sound right on par for most contestants.

Can We Just: She hopped a fence, with her mother, to attempt to see Kim Kardashian’s house. And admitted that out loud? Saying she’s never been on a date, sure that’s fair considering the history of this show. But um ok then??


Brandon, 34

Genre: American folk pop

Gasp, someone over the age of 30! He’s a veteran who has found solace in music, so I feel like I can’t be too negative since that’s so lovely.

Can We Just: He once opened for Jason Derulo in Times Square. How? I wanna know more, Derulo’s a sharp contrast from folk-type music.

 


Bri, 28

Genre: Pop

She seems like a hopeless romantic, blah blah blah, how very sugary sweet.

Can We Just: Gluten allergy? That’s your fun fact?

 

 


Cheyenne, 23

Genre: R&B

Look, we have our baby of the class! She wants to find someone with “strong masculine energy,” okie dokie, good luck with that, hun.

Can We Just: LOL, her fun fact is that she’s never been to a nightclub before. Well, sure that tracks, she’s only been legal and able to get in for less than two years.


Chris, 30

Genre: Soul

Paging Adam Sandler, because we’ve got a wedding singer here! Blah blah, he’s passionate to pursue his musical dreams.

Can We Just: Nothing to report here, he seems normal and even used to work for UNICEF, participating in mission trips globally.

 


Danny, 26

Genre: Singer-songwriter

Yea, that tracks based on his headshot. Wow, he has 1 million online followers. What, is that supposed to impress me? Or any girl looking for love? Like, he just looks like he has heartbreak written all over him. Nope, just nope.

Can We Just: He beatboxes too. Pass.

 

 


Gabe, 28

Genre: Soul/ folk

An all-american, Texas boy walks into the mansion… and that’s all I have so far.

Can We Just: Custom stationary. Can I get proof??? (LOL, I love papers, I wanna see!!)

 


Jack, 38

Genre: Country

Yee-haw, how long did it take to find a country artist for this show?? OK, he’s a single father who is looking for a partner to share a future with. That’s nice.

Can We Just: He “has a necklace tattoo in case he ever forgets his real necklace.” No.


Jamie, 21

Genre: Pop country

Scratch what I said earlier, she is our baby of the class! Sweet and fun-loving, apparently, but I get Hannah Ann vibes here. Gulp, here we go again.

Can We Just: The only thing she wants is for a guy to serenade her. That’s it? All you want, sweetie?

 


Josh, 31

Genre: Country and pop

Meh. Divorced, lives in Nashville, trying to make it. I feel like I’ve heard this one before.

Can We Just: Singing. Uber. Driver.

 

 


Julia, 27

Genre: Pop

Could they only find girls that were pop singers or something??

Can We Just: “She cannot wait to meet her husband!” Wow, a little strong there?

 


Mariana, 23

Genre: R&B and pop

Apparently she looks sweet, but has some spice. Oy, that means drama is coming. Ladies, best not stand in her way when it comes to a guy she likes.

Can We Just: Meh, nothing that interesting here.

 


Matt, 32

Genre: Neo-soul

What a shock, he caught “the bug” when we was young and moved to LA.

Can We Just: His “longest relationship has been with his beard.” I just.

 

 


Mel, 27

Genre: Indie rock

She dislikes the modern dating world and dating apps, which, don’t we all, hun. Don’t we all.

Can We Just: She “used to skip class to watch John Mayer videos,” which like, you couldn’t do that after or before classes??

 


Michael Todd, 31

Genre: Singer-songwriter

You know, he’s got a brand to consider when we get his full name. Didja know, he has a single that’s gotten 100,000+ plays on Spotify? Definitely here for his brand. Oy, please tell me he’s not another Jed; I won’t make it the full season!

Can We Just: “The man with two first names” is “the life of the party.” Blech, pass.


Natascha, 33

Genre: Pop

An international pop star, huh? Can you match the success of one Lizzie McGuire and Isabella duo??

Can We Just: She named one of her dogs “Frou Frou.” No joke.

 

 


Ruby, 25

Genre: Indie pop

Country girl, fiddle player, meh nothing else to report.

Can We Just: She’s “performed for all five living U.S. presidents.” Um, my dear, that is what we call a humble brag.

 


Rudi, 24

Genre: R&B and pop

Her hobby is napping, well, you got me there. Naps are great. Just ask Corinne.

Can We Just: “She knows that she has a crazy side,” and she’s volunteering that information to prospective dates and the whole world?

 


Russell, 26

Genre: American folk

An Indiana boy who moved to the Big Apple to pursue his dreams. Very typical.

Can We Just: He’s a knife-throwing instructor. Seriously, don’t wanna get on his bad side.

 


Alright, there you have it, folks. Well, see ya in April, Bach Nation, as we see if this can live up to the Bachelor hype we’ve come to love to hate.

First Impressions on the Women Vying for Roses on ‘The Bachelor’

In case you’ve been living under a rock and missed the news that ABC crowned its new Bachelor leading man as soon as the Paradise beach closed for the season, to absolutely no one’s surprise, it’s Peter. Peter Weber, aka Pilot Pete from Hannah Brown’s most recent Bachelorette season, is a Delta airline pilot ready to take his own flight for love as the new leading man. Can you say “on the wings of love… part two??

Not that Pilot Pete isn’t swoonworthy, sweet, and full of, ahem, stamina, but we’ve had twenty-something seasons of Peters in previous years, and I’m bored. Why couldn’t we have just had Mike?? Or Wills? Gosh, ABC I’m still not over it. (And to the human who told me to my face that Mike got “too boring” after Paradise for the gig, SHAME ON YOU.)

Anyway, like the trash TV viewer I am, I’m still going to watch it. And since the January 2020 premiere date is just around the corner, the network has revealed the cheesy and funny cast bios of the women clamoring for a chance to be Peter’s copilot on this journey of love. Get ready as I reveal my honest first impressions of these influencers-in-training before they step out of the limo on TV this winter.


Alayah, 24

We’ve got our first beauty queen of the season, y’all! She may be Miss Texas now, but it took her four times to win. Maybe four times in Bach Nation is her next calling?? Apparently drama is coming with “familiar faces from her past [resurfacing].” Oy, have we not suffered enough from Hannah B. V. Caelynn??

Can We Just (A new feature where I break down something I just cannot believe a human being has said.): Her favorite social media platform is Reddit. Like, is that still a thing?

 


Alexa, 27

We’ve got a normie! By that I mean, she looks completely normal, like a real person with a sensible moral compass. She may have trouble being vulnerable, so I have a feeling her biggest hurdle to overcome is herself.

Fellow book nerd, FTW!

Can We Just: She moved to a brand-new city through a coin flip. Was that how she applied for this show too? Heads for Bach or Tails for Love Island?

 


Avonlea, 27

I kid you not, she’s actually a cattle rancher. But also a model, because, naturally. Her parents first met when her mom was a flight attendant. Which means, get your Bach bingo card ready for air travel references!! Hello, On the Wings of Love Part II.

Can We Just: “Every time she milks one of her cows, she thanks it for its hard work.” Marie Kondo approved.

 

 

 


Courtney, 26

After two failed relationships this Floridian is looking for a man and her soulmate. She really likes tanning, which like look at her photo; I get it.

Can We Just: Her biggest turn-on is a man in cowboy boots. Like the biggest? Most important quality?

 

 

 

 


Deandra, 23

She’s independent yet really likes to be the center of attention. Well, hun, someone wants to be the Bachelorette right?? Despite being fiercely independent, she still needs a man to kill a spider for her. Very interesting.

Can We Just: Her family has already set aside a seat for Peter at their holiday table just in case she wins. Oops?

 

 

 


Eunice, 23

We’ve got a flight attendant! A reformed sorority party girl, who’s left that lifestyle in the past. I mean, you’ve since graduated college, geez, I would hope so.

Can We Just: Her signature dance moves is the “ponytail helicopter.” What the F is that?

 

 

 

 


Hannah Ann, 23

Serious Hannah G. vibes from this country-girl turned model. Artsy, talkative. Ohhh do I get Alabama Hannah vibes actually?

Can We Just: She’s volunteering to the boy she wants to date (and other future boys she’ll date in Bach Nation) that she lives at home still. Bold choice.

 

 

 

 


Jade, 26

Here we go, y’all. Our second flight attendant of the season. Which air hostess will make the better first impression pun about their shared career in the sky?

Can We Just: She’s a flight attendant yet is very afraid of heights. Like.

 

 

 


Jasmine, 25

Another book nerd, hey, welcome aboard! She seems genuine, normal, and ready to find a husband and start popping out Bach Nation babies. I have a feeling we’ll see her in Paradise this summer.

Can We Just: The man of her dreams will help her build a table. That’s your benchmark goal? Uhhhh, alrighty then.

 

 

 


Jenna, 22

We have our baby of the class! A down-to-Earth Midwesterner who really takes her trivia nights seriously.

Can We Just: Her pet goldfish gives her advice? Is he magic??

 

 

 

 


Katrina, 28

#TheLastSingleGirl or that’s at least how this pro dancer feels in her circle. A cat lady who’s big into Aladdin and Princess Jasmine. Ashley I. vibes, anyone??

Can We Just: she dressed her cat up as her for Halloween, and she dressed up as the cat. Dead serious.

 

 

 

 


Kelley, 27

Seriously, Andi Dorfman is that you?? We’ve got a doppelgänger with this attorney. A focused lawyer with high standards who won’t settle. You Go Girl. I wouldn’t be mad to watch her journey continue in Paradise.

Can We Just: She’s allergic to black tea. That’s a thing? How do you find out about that allergy?

 

 

 


Kelsey, 28

We got another beauty queen fresh from the cornfields! I think Peter’s gonna like her, because it seems like blondes are his type.

Can We Just: Uh oh, she says she’s like an onion. Here we go, Ashley S. 2.0. Yikes.

 

 

 

 

 


Kiarra, 23

A social butterfly who loves to talk. Great, enjoy talking to the press because I think she’ll be an early exit.

Can We Just: She’s “extremely” turned off by teeth grinders. How oddly specific?

 

 

 

 


Kylie, 26

Ohhh, she’s gotta go far, right? A Cali girl, a family girl, and a planner. Seems like she and her mom already have Mr. and Mrs. Weber wedding invites monogrammed already.

Can We Just: She’s looking for a rom-com type of love. But like, that’s all staged and fake? Wouldn’t you want something real?

 

 


Lauren, 26

She’s a BAWSE lady looking for a partner in crime. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders, lets hope a little camera time and future Insta endorsements won’t cloud that.

Can We Just: She gives all her exes exit interviews. I mean, actually kind of brilliant.

 

 

 


Lexi, 26

Also, she looks like she’d be Peter’s type. Oh boy, she’s ready specifically for a baby daddy. Buckle up, Peter.

Can We Just: She’d rather be buried alive than trapped in a room with frogs.

 

 

 

 


Madison, 23

At 23, she’s ready to settle down?? Like, I just don’t understand. Very faith-oriented. Interesting place to be to find love then.

Can We Just: A former basketball girl. Who’s still gloating about her high school glory days.

 

 

 

 


Maurissa, 23

A former teen beauty queen! What a twist. Mazel, congrats on her impressive weight loss.

Can We Just: She likes to break into song when she’s feeling confident. Well, you better rein that in now, because copyright.

 

 

 


Megan, 26

Geez, a third flight attendant? What, were they having a sale? She’s a hopeless romantic who didn’t let her parents’ divorce mess her dreams of true love up. Wow, impressive.

Can We Just: A “face mask enthusiast.” ABC, please make that her lower-third career. Please.

 

 

 

 


Mykenna, 22

Another baby of the crew! She’s a fashion blogger, so clearly, she can’t wait for the FabFitFun Insta deals to start rolling in this spring.

Can We Just: She’s obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. Gotta get that ABC cross-promotion in, huh?

 

 

 


Natasha, 31

As Demi would call her “the cougar.” Her photo is not a great choice, the ABC photogs did her dirty with this one.

Can We Just: DISCO. YOGA.

 

 

 

 

 


Payton, 23

I can feel it: she’s a Level 5 clinger.

Can We Just: She admits to living in her parents’ basement. Like, thanks for sharing with the class but you definitely did not have to, girl.

 

 

 

 


Sarah, 24

A Southern Belle and book nerd!

Can We Just: She loathes slugs. Like loathes. That’s strong.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Savannah, 27

She’s really ready to get out of Texas. How bout the Bachelor Mansion??

Can We Just: “She enjoys shopping at Revolve” and is really hoping for an endorsement deal after this is over. Sorry, had to give my edits.

 

 

 

 


Shiann, 27

Oof, she’s very unlucky in love. (I feel you, girl.) She loves traveling, so is that why she wanted to apply for this show?

Can We Just: The best part of her body is her lower back. How very specific.

 

 

 

 

 


Sydney, 24

Oof, another unlucky in love girl.

Can We Just: She enjoys planning fantasy vacations for her and her future husband. Why not actually go to those places??

 

 

 

 


Tammy, 24

She’s a house flipper! Hello, mini Joanna Gaines or JoJo Fletcher! She hasn’t told her mom she’s gonna be on the show, well, this bio is certainly one way to break the ice. I’d totally vote for her as Bachelorette, just saying. The 24-year-old young thing gives me pause, but her personality makes me think she’s mature enough or ready. Or at least, she’ll find her person in Paradise.

Can We Just: She doesn’t relate well to “blonde Barbie” types. Well, her time in the Mansion is sure to be quite interesting then.


Victoria F., 25

She wants a man to love her through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Hey, don’t we all?? A yogi and a medical sales rep, I can tell, while she may not find love on The Bachelor, she’ll walk away with some new besties. That is, if she makes it past L.A. dates.

Can We Just: She and her dog are a package deal. Again. bold move to start with that up front.

 

 


Victoria P., 27

Hey, I wonder if my family knows her family since they’re from the same time. Too weird? Ok, bye. Again, she seems like she’s just Peter’s type and will make it far and capture his attention. Ohh, and what do you know, she’s also a former pageant girl. What a shock.

Can We Just: Her biggest fear is chicken served on the bone. Welp. I think that beats scaredy-cat Annaliese.

 

 

 


And those are the ladies ready for the chance to romance Pilot Pete on national television. Who do you think will walk away with the Delta pilot’s final rose and who will snag the first management deal? And will Peter be the next star to compete on DWTS? Stay tuned this January for On the Wings of Love, Part II.

Commenting on The First Crop of Islanders on CBS’s ‘Love Island’

Many of you may already know I find reality TV (and trashy shows at that) my not-so-guilty pleasure. Hence, the plethora of The Bachelorette/ The Bachelor cast roasts I’ve taken upon myself to post on here. No shame, we all judge.

One show I even like more than the Bach franchise is the U.K.-based reality goldmine of Love Island. One,  England knows how to produce some quality reality TV and I love it all. Especially the original series (hey, no pies from me!), which has it all: witty British banter, lovely accents, silly games, steamy romances and couplings, and so much drama that I live for. While I do not know yet if the U.S. version will live up to the hype of the original, I do know that they have released cast photos and bios. Which means that I’m pretty much obligated to tell the truth about what I really think based on first impressions alone. So, let’s get started.

Cashel, 27

The Cali-based model and musician (which, of course) is apparently quite the romantic who, “already has a ring and is looking for the perfect girl to give it to.” I’m sorry, pardon?? I’m a little thrown off, and a little intrigued as to why. Ok back to him: a self-described go-getter, sporty type who is looking for someone funny. Hey, aren’t we all?

 

 

Kyra, 22

Based in LA (I’m sensing a theme!), she is a musician as well. She’s very into music and wants an artsy yet funny guy to volunteer with her once they leave the Fiji villa. Which, ok, seems like a normal gal minus the whole “I’m a musician and probably want to promote my band” thing.

 

 

Zac, 22

First, let’s take a deep dive at his cast headshot. The pose strikes a strong party, fratty guy type of vibe and immediately I want to pass. The Chicago native works as a grocery story cashier and I need to know if he knows Grocery Story Joe from Bach Nation??? Back to his bio: the young-looking college football player is looking for a wifey. He does want someone he can trust and build a family with, as well as will watch all the rom-coms with you. However, there’s something about his look and age that, like, I can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be a game player in the villa.

 Alana, 21

She’s a college student based in New Haven. She’s never been in a relationship before (just like air hostess Amy currently in the Majorica villa), but has a long checklist of what she wants, including “minimal facial hair.” The optimistic girl once won prom queen in high school “even though she did not run, campaign, or nominate herself. *cough cough, humble brag, much?*

 

Weston, 25

OMG Luke P is that you?? *hides under the covers* The Dallas-based photographer could be a dead ringer for the problematic Bachelorette contestant. He is described as a southern gentleman, an adrenaline junkie, and has worked in construction. He (I guess, proudly?) sports denim-on-denim but I sincerely hope for his wellbeing he doesn’t wear a Canadian tuxedo in the sweltering villa.

 

Yamen, 24

The Los Angeles real estate agent is very fit, no sense of lying about that. He played football in college, followed by a brief stink in the NFL before selling real estate. He claims he’s a catch and that overly confident persona has knocked him a few points down. Gives me Marcel vibes from series three of the original.

 

 

Mallory, 25

Duck lips, FTW! Ok, I’m just joking, but the Washington-based Nike analyst seems to be a fan. She’s described as the life of the party who is looking for her perfect match. I’m sensing a Laura or Camilla storyline from the British series’ third and fourth seasons.

 

 

Alexandra, 25

The L.A. publicist wants the girl-next-door persona, evident from her hand-heart pose. She’s a tomboy who enjoys white wine (same, girl), smelly cheeses (umm, ok?), and belting T.Swift tunes. She likes guys with tats and is ready to get serious about dating. I bet she is already prepping some Insta endorsement posts already.

 

 

 

Caro, 21

She’s also located in LA, where she is currently studying marketing. The Amber doppelgänger is a world traveler looking for an adventurous partner in crime. Her most important traits for a guy? Height and intelligence. If you’re on a dating reality show, will you find the latter though???

 

 

Elizabeth, 24

Scratch that, Alexandra, the NYC advertising exec is here to take on the girl-next-door role. Literally, she hails from a small town in Michigan and is sick of the world of dating apps and ready to find love in the villa. She likes a guy who can carry a tune, and being that half of these guys are musicians, I think she’l be pleased.

 

 

Michael, 29

OK, TELL ME HE DOESN’T LOOK EERILY SIMILAR TO TOM? The guy who just got booted out on the UK series. He’s the oldest boy in the villa so far, and is a working model from Miami. He’s a vegan. Pass. He enjoys working out. Double pass. Ok, bye. Then, he likes meeting people by “walking into a room and watching every head turn.” Ick, nope. See ya.

 

I do have to note there’s a staggeringly low lack of diversity so far: racially, body size, or seven sexual orientation, and I do hope later Islanders will get more progressive and representative. Please come through, CBS casting!

Well, those are the first group of Islanders about to couple up under the Fiji sun, and hopefully we’ll see plenty of pies, hilarious challenges, and swoonworthy romances as the show airs five nights a week (!!) on CBS. Seriously, five nights a week? Even Big Brother caps out at three. I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it, but ok, I’m ready, let’s start binging.

Roasting the New Crop of Suitors on Season 15 of “The Bachelorette”

It’s that time again: the Bachelor Mansion has once again opened its doors to one eligible lady and a brand-new crop of 30 suitors clamoring for her attention and potential hand in marriage.

Before next week kicks off the season, let’s meet the guys. You know the drill by now: based exclusively on the headshots and brief bios, I will run through my first impressions and judgments of these men looking to date 24-year-old former beauty queen and recent college graduate Hannah “Beast” Brown. Let’s get started.

First off, here’s a brief look at each guy giving their best Hannah growling impression (is that supposed to be impressive? k, pls let me know, thx) and a sappy AF pick-up line, which turn around and go. Bye.

Now, the men:

Brian, 30

The Kentucky math teacher, guess what? Likes math. PASS. I mean this line is nice and all: “Brian is passionate about helping his students achieve their dreams and is hoping this journey will lead him to his dream woman,” but like, numbers. Nah, you lost me. But all in all, seems like an all-American yet slightly dorky white male.

Cam, 30

We met him at AFTR, where he rapped and got the first First Impression rose. My feelings were lukewarm even then. His bio stresses he is competitive, the life of the party, and loves The Notebook. Nice to meet you, Cam, and allow me to show you the door. Bye.

Chasen, 27

The Michigan-based pilot apparently chose his career because “women love a man in a uniform.” That’s why you chose your profession? NEXT, puh-lease. He is also a Bach superfan, so you know he can’t wait for his eps to air. Hey, you’ll be posting teasers on Insta weekly, amirite??

Connor J., 28

First off you know it’s a very basic and white season when there are multiple men with the names Connor, Luke, and Tyler. Moving on to lucky bachelor Connor J. His bio says he’s a Southern gentlemen and apparently has manners up the wazoo, but like, isn’t that something all guys say to try and land a girl?

Connor S., 24

He has Bieber fever! I feel like that says it all. Can I inquire what era is his favorite? Like shaggy-haired “Baby-“singing J.Biebs is completely different from mugshot, homeless-looking Biebs. And then, this line just rubs me the wrong way: “Not only is he easy on the eyes,” I just can’t.

Daron, 25

An IT consultant, he–of course– is a former college athlete and self-proclaimed “giant teddy bear.” Clay vibes, anyone??

Devin, 27

The talent manager (maybe he can manage the up-and-coming influencer careers of his soon-to-be housemates??) seems to really take value in love and finding his person. Oh, and also, Wills (from Boring Becca’s season) is a dear friend. Because how dear of a friendship could it be if all of ABC’s viewers didn’t know about it??

Dustin, 30

He just wants love, and by someone who will meet the approval of his mama and precious pooch.

Dylan, 24

This is just a sea of basic AF white boys, isn’t it?? The “handsome engineer” (I swear to god it actually said that.) founded a fitness company. PASS. Wait, dude can cook? Gotta circle back. (I mean, if you’ll feed me, aka a girl who can barely boil water, all can be forgotten.)

Garrett, 27

He is a pro golfer. And yawn. Also, an Alabama native. If he and Hannah get to talking, what are the odds ABC will subtitle them with their respective accents?

Grant, 30

OH, POOR BUDDY. His career is actually listed as unemployed. Yo, ABC, no fake or made-up title? Poor guy. I just can’t let it go. But, dude “has a hard time believing that any young guy who comes on The Bachelorette is ‘here for the right reasons,’ and he plans to call them out on it.” And so, I guess he’ll be shit-stirring the pot a bit?

Hunter, 24

Stand back Mr. Pro Golfer, we got a Pro Surfer ready to catch a wave into Hannah’s heart… (ABC, did I get your bio formula right?? Would you hire me? LOLOLOL). And he still lives at home with the ‘rents, so is he ready for marriage?

Jed, 25

This definitely-country boy is a singer-songwriter. Aw, our first one this season! I’m getting– what’s the country one’s name from seasons past– vibes? (Oh, Joshua with the leg tat from Idaho from JoJo’s season and Joe from Kaitlyn’s season, right? It’s the country boy thing.) I swear, drinking game for every time he shows up in a leather jacket this season!

Joe, 30

His career is “The Box King,” and I’m sorry, what? Oh, his family has a cardboard box business, okay, I guess that makes sense then. His cockiness, not so much. I’m sorry Joe but Bach Nation has room for only one Joe from Chi-town in our hearts: and that’s Grocery Story Joe.

Joey, 33

The old man of this batch of men is ready to settle down, minivan and all. Hey, Joey, if you show up to the mansion night one in a minivan, we’ll all know you just copied Garrett (the winner from last season), just saying…

John Paul Jones, 24

Why put your full name, unless you consider this your brand, acting audition, or whatever BS you label it as? His bio is basically one long, running gag about his three-word name. K, can you talk about anything else? Interests? Passions? Job? Family? Anything? Anything?

Jonathan, 27

He’s a server in LA, so basically an aspiring actor, right?? Another life of the party, always-clubbing dude, and I’m over it. Bye.

Kevin, 27

This small town guy had me saying “damn” to his career: “He works as a behavioral health specialist for the army, helping vets deal with trauma.” Mazel tov. And then, he enjoys “pumping iron” and travels… to the gym a lot. Check, please.

Luke P., 24

He’s looking extra Colton-like, right? This “good Christian boy” (I swear this info is coming direct LOL) really wants a wife, especially after some mysterious “religious awakening” in college, because sure.

Luke S., 29

He wishes he could be Nick Viall. He’s a political fundraiser, lover of tequila, apparently “once hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush” and continues to talk about it all the time, and made a very inappropriate upon meeting Hannah on AFTR for the first time. Thank u, next.

Matt Donald, 26

First off, shame on ABC. You write this line: “Matt’s brother and parents are deaf, and he grew up speaking sign language.” And immediately follow it up with “We love a man that can communicate what he’s thinking with his hands without ever saying a word, and we think Hannah will too.” Boo. Thumbs down for the network. Onto him, woah, coming on really strong by saying he “loves Hannah and he hasn’t even met her.” No thanks to him and the network’s lack of a PC bio.

Matteo, 25

The guy founded a VR tech start up, has lived all over the world, is a strong and silent type, once chugged milk for a talent show, and oh yea, is a “sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families.” Ya know, just casually throw that in there.

Matthew, 23

He’s a “Car Bid Spotter” and I have legit no clue what that means. Auctioneering. A “Bid Spotter,” what? He has lots of tattoos, has never been out of the country, and enjoys exercising, and hanging with friends or his little sister, who is an actual toddler. And that about sums him up.

Mike, 31

This very energetic vet has a lot of swag and energy for all types of active activities. See ya later.

Peter, 27

Another pilot of the group. Do you think the two have ever crossed paths, or in the sky? You know, before living in a Cali mansion together and dating the same beauty queen? Also, how is your granny’s name a fun fact about you? He apparently is a fan of line dancing, which would immediately rule out a potential date in my eyes.  (Hey, my friend once twisted her ankle learning a line dancing. It’s dangerous, I’ve seen it firsthand!)

Ryan, 25

He’s a “Roller Boy,” no explanation given, but hey, dude, can I get one? He’s a risk-taker and adventurous, but hates birds. Nice to meet ya there, hope you enjoy your car ride home after a short journey.

Scott, 28

A Windy City native with spiky, gelled-up hair. He calls himself a catch and that’s all I need to bolt. But, he admires Kris Jenner, so before I split, can you please hand in an 1,000-word essay to the class on why you look up to the momager and savvy business mogul?

Thomas, 27

He’s not just a pro basketballer, he’s an international pro basketball player. Should I be oohing here? FOR A YEAR. He played pro ball overseas for ONE year, and that’s the career the show goes with??

Tyler C., 25

A former football player, and TBH, Hannah should run away from a guy boasting how he was almost in the NFL. No one wants a Colton repeat. *shudders*

Tyler G., 28

He’s laidback and would rather read than go clubbing. I’m on board. *keeps reading* He’s a Crossfitter and relaxes on his own boat. I retract my previous statement, y’all.

All in all, what a bunch of duds in this group. I wasn’t the most outspoken Hannah for Bachelorette supporter, but I honestly feel sorry for her. Because these guys are bland, and basic, and frankly not “here for the right reasons.” What can I say, I call it like I see it.

As much as I thought Colton and Becca’s respective seasons would be my last as a dutiful member of Bachelor Nation, honestly, the first look at the season has reeled me back in, and I’m here for the drama that’s coming, not for the journey or any potential to find an S.O. for a suitable amount of time before your Instagram blue checkmark arrives. So, I guess, I’ll see y’all on Monday nights.

Breaking Down the Women Competing for Roses on This Year’s “The Bachelor”

By now, we’ve probably forgotten all about the most boring season of The Bachelorette in franchise history (sorry, Becca). And after a difficult time dumping our fave (and Raven’s BFF) Tia in Paradise, it was revealed that COLTON (the former footballer turned kids’ charity founder slash virgin) will be the next lead. Not Jason, Not Blake, Not Ben Higgins, Not Wills, but Colton. I swear, I’m not bitter or anything… Whatever, I’m fine, I’m fine…

Now, that we are less than one month away from the January premiere, ABC has dropped the names, headshot, and bios about the 30 women vying for Colton’s heart, or just to take his V-card. Honestly, it’s probably 50-50. Or, more likely, to become Insta B-listers with a little blue checkmark to solidify their Fab Fit Fun and gummy hair vitamin endorsement deals.

So, now let’s go through my first impressions and judgements of these women who’ve voluntarily chosen to appear on this reality show. Let’s get started, and to be frank, I had plenty to say and judge when first reading through these, that and I was bored. Yawn.

Alex B.

  • She’s 29, so decent age, of someone ready to get married.
  • She’s a dog rescuer, like for real, so that’s cool. And something she and Colton can bond over,
  • Mouth.

 

 

Alex D.

  • She’s 23, which speaking as a 23-year-old, is she truly ready for marriage?? Because like I’m personally a long ways off. Maybe I just don’t get it. Whatever.
  • Her career is listed as a “sloth” for some reason… So, that is her intro to Colton I’m guessing?
  • Very into New England region. Apparently that’s all there is to her.

 

Angelique

  • Age 28, works in marketing sales, from New Jersey = average.
  • Seems friendly enough.

 

 

 

Annie

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • Country girl raised on a farm. Now in finance in the Big Apple.
  • Was she the girl that left Colton and ranted about him on Snapchat?? So, spoilers, don’t put her in her Bach bracket at the end..

 

 

Bri

  • The 24-year-old model from Cali, is more than just a pretty face. Oh, I’m sorry, Barbie, is it?
  • Her biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. Um, ok?? (BTW, I’m crying laughing reading this.) And as one recap already pointed out, is a silent-yet-deadly one ok then?? Real questions.

 

 

Caelynn

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • This young lady won Miss North Carolina 2018, and has a past with another contestant, Miss Alabama. Drama? Obviously, because they battled for the same crown. And here they are battling for the same prize Colton once more.
  • She’s not just a beauty queen… she flew to Japan once for a first date… Oh, has she been on The Bachelor before? (I know, I know, I’m not the first, and certainly not the last to make that joke, but if the shoe fits.)

Caitlin

  • The Toronto-based 25-year-old realtor seems likable and normal.
  • Chris Harrison compared her to fan-fave Kaitlyn Bristowe, so those are some big shoes to fill, Caitlin.

 

 

 

Cassie

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • She’s a speech pathologist, but her bio still says completing her degree. Um, consistency?
  • However, she wants to work with kids using her degree, so mazel tov, and I hope that can happen for you. Truly.

 

 

Catherine

  • First off, there is no way she’s 26. She’s gotta be older.
  • Strong Krystal vibes. Including that Chris Harrison called her a villain. Hmmm.
  • She’s “DJ Agro” in Ft. Lauderdale, um def, villain vibes.
  • Next.

 

 

Courtney

  • Another 23-year-old! OK, so considering Colton is 26, 23 isn’t too young, it’s just to me personally, it seems very young, considering you barely know who you are at that age and what you want to do.
  • She’s a caterer hoping “she has the recipe for love” with Colton, man, the ABC producers get cheesier and cheesier.

 

 

Demi

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • Texas country girl.
  • Her bio says “keep an eye on this one??” Is that a spoiler or just that she has big eyes??? Real questions.
  • I feel like she’s going to go far.

 

 

Devin

  • Another 23-year-old! However, she has a Masters degree, mazel.
  • She likes yoga, and eh, it’s fine.

 

 

 

 

Elyse

  • At 31, she’s definitely the eldest.
  • Originally from Alaska (is that a first from the show?), she now resides in Scottsdale— does she know Arie?? I have a feeling that A-word will be brought up this season.

 

 

Erika

  • She’s “The Nut.” Enough said.
  • Also, her talent is “being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” F U. Also, you won’t be winning over America with that line.

 

 

 

Erin

  • Her career is listed as “Cinderella,” which her bio completely backs up. Um, so entrance?
  • Also, she loves PSL. HAHAHAHA, I’m cackling by now.

 

 

 

Hannah B.

  • Another 23-year-old!
  • The 2018 Miss Alabama, who has a past with Miss North Carolina Caelynn, apparently bleeds Alabama. How many Roll Tide references will we get this season?

 

 

Hannah G.

  • Another 23-year-old!
  • Also from Alabama, the “content creator,” which is her real career listed, “plans photo shoots for her next posts.” So, she’s so ready for the Instagram endorsements to roll in.
  • Is content creator code for unemployed? But like in a nice way?
  • She likes glamping, so puhlease producers put her on a down-and-dirty date. Like Corinne with the cow dung shoveling date. I’m cackling just thinking about what could be.

Heather

  • She’s 22, so similar to my thoughts on the 23-year-olds.
  • Her career is “never been kissed,” which feels mean to call out. I mean, Colton’s career wasn’t virgin last year! That’s an unfair double standard.
  • Giving me strong Kendall vibes from last year.

 

 

Adrianne “Jane”

  • Her name is Adrianne, but she goes by Jane. And she’s categorized alphabetically with the J’s. How does one go from Adrianne to Jane? Is it like Jane Doe? Is she in Witness Protection? I have so many questions.
  • She’s a social worker, so mazel tov on helping others.
  • She seems nice and friendly, it’s just the name thing.

 

 

Katie

  • Meh, nothing interesting to report or joke about.

 

 

 

 

Kirpa

  • She looks like Shushanna from years past on the show.
  • Eh, I have a feeling she won’t stay past day one or two.

 

 

 

Laura

  • She wants moved to Spain “on a whim.” Why? and Why did she move back? Producers dig deeper with these bios.
  • But, YAWN.

 

 

 

Nicole

  • She looks familiar. No idea who she resembles though.
  • She hails from Havana. Ooh Na Na.
  • She seems like a younger, female version of Rachel’s love Bryan.

 

 

 

Nina

  • Geez, that’s a sad back story.
  • She’s watched The Bachelor with her mom and grandma for years, so her career could be “Superfan,” right???

 

 

 

Onyeka

  • Mmm, k. This is Onyeka. Of which I don’t know how to pronounce your name.

 

 

 

 

Revian

  • Her name reminds me of Evian and Revlon.
  • Her career is listed as nurse but in her bio, it says she’s an esthetician, which are two very different jobs. Does she not know what she does??

 

 

 

Sydney

  • She seems very normal, which is a low bar for the show, which means I like her already.
  • It seems to be the “never” season: she’s never had a boyfriend, Kendall 2.0 has never been kissed, and Colton is a virgin. Hmmm, purposeful?
  • I’d put her far in my Bach bracket, for this season, for Paradise, for Bachelorette running.

 

 

Tahzjuan

  • Not going to attempt to pronounce her name. I just hope Chris Harrison or Colton do not butcher it.
  • She has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas,” so that explains why she’s on this reality dating show. Oh, how I love to tease.

 

 

Tayshia

  • She’s a phlebotomist and likes to volunteer. Seems nice and normal. No word on how long she’ll last, unfortunately, because I like her: she has purpose and drive.
  • We’ve come a long way from our beauty queens and content creators. Literally, we are in the Ts. But does Colton want a self-sufficient, successful girl or one who will settle for the career title of wife?

 

 

Tracy

  • I feel like she’ll be involved in drama this season.

 

 

 

 

It feels like a sea of girls who all look the same. Give Colton the strength to remember which one is which, because I’m already lost.

This season seems very boring. But, will I still be watching, obviously. Will I, like Colton, feel the desire to fling myself over a fence to escape this? Likely.

30 Thoughts I Had Watching Netflix’s “A Christmas Prince 2”

As you may have gathered, um, I’m as you could say, a bit obsessed with romantic comedies and cheesy love stories unfolding on screen. There’s just something about curling up and watch your troubles melt away when can watch a totally predictable and cheesy romance movie with zero regard for conflict and only a couple coming together. So settle in (I’m already wrapped up in my Snuggie.) and pop on the latest Netflix holiday flick, A Christmas Prince 2: A Royal Wedding, and once you’ve finished (or don’t mind spoilers), read on for a list of my random thoughts and musings I had during and after the cutesy holiday followup to last year’s festive flick.

Photo: Netflix

  1. Amber and Richard are still going strong… But like, how practical is it that a king can take off to visit his lady love whenever he wants. Especially she’s a blogger, like she can write anywhere. I mean, nothing is tying her to NYC.
  2. “I don’t want to get recognized!” Then, why did you (the future queen) fly into the country commercial?
  3. “I feel like a new person” HAHAHA they just had to address that they recast her father, to a slimmer, gruffer, less facial hair, and more hair-hair version…
  4. How much money did they spend on this? It looks poorly made, like horrible quality… Sorry, but I speak what I feel.
  5. Her new Pops asking if “all this stuff free” in the limo is such a MOOD. Like, 100 percent accurate and my life.
  6. Amber got a Meghan Markle casual look wardrobe update.
  7. Is it possible that Richard got even stiffer than the first film?
  8. The “haute couture” wedding gown? Yikes.
  9. Richard is being a jerk who doesn’t want to hear his love’s ideas or thoughts. HELLO, We as women have thoughts that are valid and important!
  10. Leopold (which, who?) is coming back from Monaco to help… Why do I get a bad feeling??
  11. SIMON! He’s gone… well, common. And, hair. Oh, and is he redeeming himself??
  12. Oy. That wedding dress and veil. Oooo.
  13. This lil’ shy, nerdy boy that clearly likes Emily is so cute. This is the love story I wanted in the movie. HEART MELTING.
  14. How dare they censor her blog? #FreedomOfThePress
  15. Did Richard just say “keep calm and carry on??” LOL, like, they aren’t in England.
  16. How dare the wedding planner and protocol head make Amber take off her dead mother’s locket for a busy J.Crew statement necklace??
  17. If this is a romance movie, why can’t Richard stick up for his supposed love?? Perhaps one reason why I cannot seem to get into this sequel.
  18. Simon and Amber’s bestie Melissa have more chemistry and have far more fire together than the future king and queen of Aldovia. Just saying..
  19. Can we discuss how they made the young princess Emily a master hacker/coder?? YASSSS. She is my fave.
  20. How very Meghan Markle of her to make Amber shutter her blog. She’s a writer; she loves to write. As the future queen, she should be allowed to do what she loves.
  21. HE DOESN’T DEFEND HER AND HER PASSIONS. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BUY THEM AS THE LEAD ROMANTIC COUPLE. HOW?
  22. We have 20 minutes left, and in a movie titled the wedding, where is the wedding, huh??
  23. I take back what I said about her dress earlier. This wedding dress she actually wears is far too plain, boring, and ill-fitting. Ew.
  24. This film feels like bad fan-fiction as opposed to having a good story to tell, like they tried to rush the idea of making a sequel to be timely with the real Royal Wedding.
  25. The inflatables on the royal Christmas tree look extremely tacky.
  26. Amber’s best friends finding love with Sahil and Simon, respectively, were too cute though, and made up for the lack of chemistry all damn movie between the two leads who were supposed to be madly in love.
  27. The Queen catching the bouquet presumably to fall in love with Amber’s butler is giving me Queen Clarisse and Joe love vibes from Princess Diaries and I am here for it. Almost as much as I am here for a Princess Emily spin-off feature film. Maybe her dull brother goes off on a foreign trip and she must save the day and steal the show (as if she doesn’t do that already). Buy that movie, Netflix.
  28. Has anyone ever made a Chanukah romance holiday movie? Because, that is a genius idea that they need to rectify. Like, you could even call one “The 8 Dates of Hanukkah.”
  29. Does the end of the film mean we are getting a third film??
  30. This film was pure trash, but did I watch it in its entirety? And rewatched to write this post? Obviously.

In pure Christmas romance movie (and Netflix) fashion, this brought out all the feels as we like to cozy up to watch cheesy romances unfold. If a third film (or frankly, any other romance from the platform) gets made, I’ll still be right here, watching every minute of it. We could all use a good, relaxing cheering-up sometimes…