The Bachelor is getting musical, y’all. Well, technically, they always have been based on who goes on this show but now they are fully embracing that with their latest spin-off, The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart. 

After the garbage fire that was Pilot Pete’s season (which I stopped watching after episode 2, sorry not sorry) and the shitstorm that is the anxiety-ridden news right now, we need something mindless to lift our spirits. Luckily, ABC is here to do that with the new spin-off, premiering this April. On the show, the cast will *cough cough* journey to find love through musically themed, romantic dates.

Before the show debuts, the network has released the official cast bios for the aspiring musicians, and true to form, I’m here to give my authentic (and likely snarky) first thoughts.

So, it’s time to listen to my heart gut (see what I did there?) and meet the cast.

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Bekah, 25

Genre: Musical theater

OMG, finally us musical theater nerds get a bit of representation! According to her bio, she follows her dreams professionally where things are going well, in sharp contrast to her love life. Sound right on par for most contestants.

Can We Just: She hopped a fence, with her mother, to attempt to see Kim Kardashian’s house. And admitted that out loud? Saying she’s never been on a date, sure that’s fair considering the history of this show. But um ok then??

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Brandon, 34

Genre: American folk pop

Gasp, someone over the age of 30! He’s a veteran who has found solace in music, so I feel like I can’t be too negative since that’s so lovely.

Can We Just: He once opened for Jason Derulo in Times Square. How? I wanna know more, Derulo’s a sharp contrast from folk-type music.

 

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Bri, 28

Genre: Pop

She seems like a hopeless romantic, blah blah blah, how very sugary sweet.

Can We Just: Gluten allergy? That’s your fun fact?

 

 

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Cheyenne, 23

Genre: R&B

Look, we have our baby of the class! She wants to find someone with “strong masculine energy,” okie dokie, good luck with that, hun.

Can We Just: LOL, her fun fact is that she’s never been to a nightclub before. Well, sure that tracks, she’s only been legal and able to get in for less than two years.

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Chris, 30

Genre: Soul

Paging Adam Sandler, because we’ve got a wedding singer here! Blah blah, he’s passionate to pursue his musical dreams.

Can We Just: Nothing to report here, he seems normal and even used to work for UNICEF, participating in mission trips globally.

 

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Danny, 26

Genre: Singer-songwriter

Yea, that tracks based on his headshot. Wow, he has 1 million online followers. What, is that supposed to impress me? Or any girl looking for love? Like, he just looks like he has heartbreak written all over him. Nope, just nope.

Can We Just: He beatboxes too. Pass.

 

 

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Gabe, 28

Genre: Soul/ folk

An all-american, Texas boy walks into the mansion… and that’s all I have so far.

Can We Just: Custom stationary. Can I get proof??? (LOL, I love papers, I wanna see!!)

 

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Jack, 38

Genre: Country

Yee-haw, how long did it take to find a country artist for this show?? OK, he’s a single father who is looking for a partner to share a future with. That’s nice.

Can We Just: He “has a necklace tattoo in case he ever forgets his real necklace.” No.

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Jamie, 21

Genre: Pop country

Scratch what I said earlier, she is our baby of the class! Sweet and fun-loving, apparently, but I get Hannah Ann vibes here. Gulp, here we go again.

Can We Just: The only thing she wants is for a guy to serenade her. That’s it? All you want, sweetie?

 

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Josh, 31

Genre: Country and pop

Meh. Divorced, lives in Nashville, trying to make it. I feel like I’ve heard this one before.

Can We Just: Singing. Uber. Driver.

 

 

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Julia, 27

Genre: Pop

Could they only find girls that were pop singers or something??

Can We Just: “She cannot wait to meet her husband!” Wow, a little strong there?

 

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Mariana, 23

Genre: R&B and pop

Apparently she looks sweet, but has some spice. Oy, that means drama is coming. Ladies, best not stand in her way when it comes to a guy she likes.

Can We Just: Meh, nothing that interesting here.

 

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Matt, 32

Genre: Neo-soul

What a shock, he caught “the bug” when we was young and moved to LA.

Can We Just: His “longest relationship has been with his beard.” I just.

 

 

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Mel, 27

Genre: Indie rock

She dislikes the modern dating world and dating apps, which, don’t we all, hun. Don’t we all.

Can We Just: She “used to skip class to watch John Mayer videos,” which like, you couldn’t do that after or before classes??

 

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Michael Todd, 31

Genre: Singer-songwriter

You know, he’s got a brand to consider when we get his full name. Didja know, he has a single that’s gotten 100,000+ plays on Spotify? Definitely here for his brand. Oy, please tell me he’s not another Jed; I won’t make it the full season!

Can We Just: “The man with two first names” is “the life of the party.” Blech, pass.

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Natascha, 33

Genre: Pop

An international pop star, huh? Can you match the success of one Lizzie McGuire and Isabella duo??

Can We Just: She named one of her dogs “Frou Frou.” No joke.

 

 

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Ruby, 25

Genre: Indie pop

Country girl, fiddle player, meh nothing else to report.

Can We Just: She’s “performed for all five living U.S. presidents.” Um, my dear, that is what we call a humble brag.

 

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Rudi, 24

Genre: R&B and pop

Her hobby is napping, well, you got me there. Naps are great. Just ask Corinne.

Can We Just: “She knows that she has a crazy side,” and she’s volunteering that information to prospective dates and the whole world?

 

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Russell, 26

Genre: American folk

An Indiana boy who moved to the Big Apple to pursue his dreams. Very typical.

Can We Just: He’s a knife-throwing instructor. Seriously, don’t wanna get on his bad side.

 

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Alright, there you have it, folks. Well, see ya in April, Bach Nation, as we see if this can live up to the Bachelor hype we’ve come to love to hate.