Roasting the New Crop of Suitors on Season 15 of “The Bachelorette”

It’s that time again: the Bachelor Mansion has once again opened its doors to one eligible lady and a brand-new crop of 30 suitors clamoring for her attention and potential hand in marriage.

Before next week kicks off the season, let’s meet the guys. You know the drill by now: based exclusively on the headshots and brief bios, I will run through my first impressions and judgments of these men looking to date 24-year-old former beauty queen and recent college graduate Hannah “Beast” Brown. Let’s get started.

First off, here’s a brief look at each guy giving their best Hannah growling impression (is that supposed to be impressive? k, pls let me know, thx) and a sappy AF pick-up line, which turn around and go. Bye.

Now, the men:

Brian, 30

The Kentucky math teacher, guess what? Likes math. PASS. I mean this line is nice and all: “Brian is passionate about helping his students achieve their dreams and is hoping this journey will lead him to his dream woman,” but like, numbers. Nah, you lost me. But all in all, seems like an all-American yet slightly dorky white male.

Cam, 30

We met him at AFTR, where he rapped and got the first First Impression rose. My feelings were lukewarm even then. His bio stresses he is competitive, the life of the party, and loves The Notebook. Nice to meet you, Cam, and allow me to show you the door. Bye.

Chasen, 27

The Michigan-based pilot apparently chose his career because “women love a man in a uniform.” That’s why you chose your profession? NEXT, puh-lease. He is also a Bach superfan, so you know he can’t wait for his eps to air. Hey, you’ll be posting teasers on Insta weekly, amirite??

Connor J., 28

First off you know it’s a very basic and white season when there are multiple men with the names Connor, Luke, and Tyler. Moving on to lucky bachelor Connor J. His bio says he’s a Southern gentlemen and apparently has manners up the wazoo, but like, isn’t that something all guys say to try and land a girl?

Connor S., 24

He has Bieber fever! I feel like that says it all. Can I inquire what era is his favorite? Like shaggy-haired “Baby-“singing J.Biebs is completely different from mugshot, homeless-looking Biebs. And then, this line just rubs me the wrong way: “Not only is he easy on the eyes,” I just can’t.

Daron, 25

An IT consultant, he–of course– is a former college athlete and self-proclaimed “giant teddy bear.” Clay vibes, anyone??

Devin, 27

The talent manager (maybe he can manage the up-and-coming influencer careers of his soon-to-be housemates??) seems to really take value in love and finding his person. Oh, and also, Wills (from Boring Becca’s season) is a dear friend. Because how dear of a friendship could it be if all of ABC’s viewers didn’t know about it??

Dustin, 30

He just wants love, and by someone who will meet the approval of his mama and precious pooch.

Dylan, 24

This is just a sea of basic AF white boys, isn’t it?? The “handsome engineer” (I swear to god it actually said that.) founded a fitness company. PASS. Wait, dude can cook? Gotta circle back. (I mean, if you’ll feed me, aka a girl who can barely boil water, all can be forgotten.)

Garrett, 27

He is a pro golfer. And yawn. Also, an Alabama native. If he and Hannah get to talking, what are the odds ABC will subtitle them with their respective accents?

Grant, 30

OH, POOR BUDDY. His career is actually listed as unemployed. Yo, ABC, no fake or made-up title? Poor guy. I just can’t let it go. But, dude “has a hard time believing that any young guy who comes on The Bachelorette is ‘here for the right reasons,’ and he plans to call them out on it.” And so, I guess he’ll be shit-stirring the pot a bit?

Hunter, 24

Stand back Mr. Pro Golfer, we got a Pro Surfer ready to catch a wave into Hannah’s heart… (ABC, did I get your bio formula right?? Would you hire me? LOLOLOL). And he still lives at home with the ‘rents, so is he ready for marriage?

Jed, 25

This definitely-country boy is a singer-songwriter. Aw, our first one this season! I’m getting– what’s the country one’s name from seasons past– vibes? (Oh, Joshua with the leg tat from Idaho from JoJo’s season and Joe from Kaitlyn’s season, right? It’s the country boy thing.) I swear, drinking game for every time he shows up in a leather jacket this season!

Joe, 30

His career is “The Box King,” and I’m sorry, what? Oh, his family has a cardboard box business, okay, I guess that makes sense then. His cockiness, not so much. I’m sorry Joe but Bach Nation has room for only one Joe from Chi-town in our hearts: and that’s Grocery Story Joe.

Joey, 33

The old man of this batch of men is ready to settle down, minivan and all. Hey, Joey, if you show up to the mansion night one in a minivan, we’ll all know you just copied Garrett (the winner from last season), just saying…

John Paul Jones, 24

Why put your full name, unless you consider this your brand, acting audition, or whatever BS you label it as? His bio is basically one long, running gag about his three-word name. K, can you talk about anything else? Interests? Passions? Job? Family? Anything? Anything?

Jonathan, 27

He’s a server in LA, so basically an aspiring actor, right?? Another life of the party, always-clubbing dude, and I’m over it. Bye.

Kevin, 27

This small town guy had me saying “damn” to his career: “He works as a behavioral health specialist for the army, helping vets deal with trauma.” Mazel tov. And then, he enjoys “pumping iron” and travels… to the gym a lot. Check, please.

Luke P., 24

He’s looking extra Colton-like, right? This “good Christian boy” (I swear this info is coming direct LOL) really wants a wife, especially after some mysterious “religious awakening” in college, because sure.

Luke S., 29

He wishes he could be Nick Viall. He’s a political fundraiser, lover of tequila, apparently “once hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush” and continues to talk about it all the time, and made a very inappropriate upon meeting Hannah on AFTR for the first time. Thank u, next.

Matt Donald, 26

First off, shame on ABC. You write this line: “Matt’s brother and parents are deaf, and he grew up speaking sign language.” And immediately follow it up with “We love a man that can communicate what he’s thinking with his hands without ever saying a word, and we think Hannah will too.” Boo. Thumbs down for the network. Onto him, woah, coming on really strong by saying he “loves Hannah and he hasn’t even met her.” No thanks to him and the network’s lack of a PC bio.

Matteo, 25

The guy founded a VR tech start up, has lived all over the world, is a strong and silent type, once chugged milk for a talent show, and oh yea, is a “sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families.” Ya know, just casually throw that in there.

Matthew, 23

He’s a “Car Bid Spotter” and I have legit no clue what that means. Auctioneering. A “Bid Spotter,” what? He has lots of tattoos, has never been out of the country, and enjoys exercising, and hanging with friends or his little sister, who is an actual toddler. And that about sums him up.

Mike, 31

This very energetic vet has a lot of swag and energy for all types of active activities. See ya later.

Peter, 27

Another pilot of the group. Do you think the two have ever crossed paths, or in the sky? You know, before living in a Cali mansion together and dating the same beauty queen? Also, how is your granny’s name a fun fact about you? He apparently is a fan of line dancing, which would immediately rule out a potential date in my eyes.  (Hey, my friend once twisted her ankle learning a line dancing. It’s dangerous, I’ve seen it firsthand!)

Ryan, 25

He’s a “Roller Boy,” no explanation given, but hey, dude, can I get one? He’s a risk-taker and adventurous, but hates birds. Nice to meet ya there, hope you enjoy your car ride home after a short journey.

Scott, 28

A Windy City native with spiky, gelled-up hair. He calls himself a catch and that’s all I need to bolt. But, he admires Kris Jenner, so before I split, can you please hand in an 1,000-word essay to the class on why you look up to the momager and savvy business mogul?

Thomas, 27

He’s not just a pro basketballer, he’s an international pro basketball player. Should I be oohing here? FOR A YEAR. He played pro ball overseas for ONE year, and that’s the career the show goes with??

Tyler C., 25

A former football player, and TBH, Hannah should run away from a guy boasting how he was almost in the NFL. No one wants a Colton repeat. *shudders*

Tyler G., 28

He’s laidback and would rather read than go clubbing. I’m on board. *keeps reading* He’s a Crossfitter and relaxes on his own boat. I retract my previous statement, y’all.

All in all, what a bunch of duds in this group. I wasn’t the most outspoken Hannah for Bachelorette supporter, but I honestly feel sorry for her. Because these guys are bland, and basic, and frankly not “here for the right reasons.” What can I say, I call it like I see it.

As much as I thought Colton and Becca’s respective seasons would be my last as a dutiful member of Bachelor Nation, honestly, the first look at the season has reeled me back in, and I’m here for the drama that’s coming, not for the journey or any potential to find an S.O. for a suitable amount of time before your Instagram blue checkmark arrives. So, I guess, I’ll see y’all on Monday nights.

Breaking Down the Women Competing for Roses on This Year’s “The Bachelor”

By now, we’ve probably forgotten all about the most boring season of The Bachelorette in franchise history (sorry, Becca). And after a difficult time dumping our fave (and Raven’s BFF) Tia in Paradise, it was revealed that COLTON (the former footballer turned kids’ charity founder slash virgin) will be the next lead. Not Jason, Not Blake, Not Ben Higgins, Not Wills, but Colton. I swear, I’m not bitter or anything… Whatever, I’m fine, I’m fine…

Now, that we are less than one month away from the January premiere, ABC has dropped the names, headshot, and bios about the 30 women vying for Colton’s heart, or just to take his V-card. Honestly, it’s probably 50-50. Or, more likely, to become Insta B-listers with a little blue checkmark to solidify their Fab Fit Fun and gummy hair vitamin endorsement deals.

So, now let’s go through my first impressions and judgements of these women who’ve voluntarily chosen to appear on this reality show. Let’s get started, and to be frank, I had plenty to say and judge when first reading through these, that and I was bored. Yawn.

Alex B.

  • She’s 29, so decent age, of someone ready to get married.
  • She’s a dog rescuer, like for real, so that’s cool. And something she and Colton can bond over,
  • Mouth.

 

 

Alex D.

  • She’s 23, which speaking as a 23-year-old, is she truly ready for marriage?? Because like I’m personally a long ways off. Maybe I just don’t get it. Whatever.
  • Her career is listed as a “sloth” for some reason… So, that is her intro to Colton I’m guessing?
  • Very into New England region. Apparently that’s all there is to her.

 

Angelique

  • Age 28, works in marketing sales, from New Jersey = average.
  • Seems friendly enough.

 

 

 

Annie

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • Country girl raised on a farm. Now in finance in the Big Apple.
  • Was she the girl that left Colton and ranted about him on Snapchat?? So, spoilers, don’t put her in her Bach bracket at the end..

 

 

Bri

  • The 24-year-old model from Cali, is more than just a pretty face. Oh, I’m sorry, Barbie, is it?
  • Her biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. Um, ok?? (BTW, I’m crying laughing reading this.) And as one recap already pointed out, is a silent-yet-deadly one ok then?? Real questions.

 

 

Caelynn

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • This young lady won Miss North Carolina 2018, and has a past with another contestant, Miss Alabama. Drama? Obviously, because they battled for the same crown. And here they are battling for the same prize Colton once more.
  • She’s not just a beauty queen… she flew to Japan once for a first date… Oh, has she been on The Bachelor before? (I know, I know, I’m not the first, and certainly not the last to make that joke, but if the shoe fits.)

Caitlin

  • The Toronto-based 25-year-old realtor seems likable and normal.
  • Chris Harrison compared her to fan-fave Kaitlyn Bristowe, so those are some big shoes to fill, Caitlin.

 

 

 

Cassie

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • She’s a speech pathologist, but her bio still says completing her degree. Um, consistency?
  • However, she wants to work with kids using her degree, so mazel tov, and I hope that can happen for you. Truly.

 

 

Catherine

  • First off, there is no way she’s 26. She’s gotta be older.
  • Strong Krystal vibes. Including that Chris Harrison called her a villain. Hmmm.
  • She’s “DJ Agro” in Ft. Lauderdale, um def, villain vibes.
  • Next.

 

 

Courtney

  • Another 23-year-old! OK, so considering Colton is 26, 23 isn’t too young, it’s just to me personally, it seems very young, considering you barely know who you are at that age and what you want to do.
  • She’s a caterer hoping “she has the recipe for love” with Colton, man, the ABC producers get cheesier and cheesier.

 

 

Demi

  • Another 23-year-old! See thought above.
  • Texas country girl.
  • Her bio says “keep an eye on this one??” Is that a spoiler or just that she has big eyes??? Real questions.
  • I feel like she’s going to go far.

 

 

Devin

  • Another 23-year-old! However, she has a Masters degree, mazel.
  • She likes yoga, and eh, it’s fine.

 

 

 

 

Elyse

  • At 31, she’s definitely the eldest.
  • Originally from Alaska (is that a first from the show?), she now resides in Scottsdale— does she know Arie?? I have a feeling that A-word will be brought up this season.

 

 

Erika

  • She’s “The Nut.” Enough said.
  • Also, her talent is “being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” F U. Also, you won’t be winning over America with that line.

 

 

 

Erin

  • Her career is listed as “Cinderella,” which her bio completely backs up. Um, so entrance?
  • Also, she loves PSL. HAHAHAHA, I’m cackling by now.

 

 

 

Hannah B.

  • Another 23-year-old!
  • The 2018 Miss Alabama, who has a past with Miss North Carolina Caelynn, apparently bleeds Alabama. How many Roll Tide references will we get this season?

 

 

Hannah G.

  • Another 23-year-old!
  • Also from Alabama, the “content creator,” which is her real career listed, “plans photo shoots for her next posts.” So, she’s so ready for the Instagram endorsements to roll in.
  • Is content creator code for unemployed? But like in a nice way?
  • She likes glamping, so puhlease producers put her on a down-and-dirty date. Like Corinne with the cow dung shoveling date. I’m cackling just thinking about what could be.

Heather

  • She’s 22, so similar to my thoughts on the 23-year-olds.
  • Her career is “never been kissed,” which feels mean to call out. I mean, Colton’s career wasn’t virgin last year! That’s an unfair double standard.
  • Giving me strong Kendall vibes from last year.

 

 

Adrianne “Jane”

  • Her name is Adrianne, but she goes by Jane. And she’s categorized alphabetically with the J’s. How does one go from Adrianne to Jane? Is it like Jane Doe? Is she in Witness Protection? I have so many questions.
  • She’s a social worker, so mazel tov on helping others.
  • She seems nice and friendly, it’s just the name thing.

 

 

Katie

  • Meh, nothing interesting to report or joke about.

 

 

 

 

Kirpa

  • She looks like Shushanna from years past on the show.
  • Eh, I have a feeling she won’t stay past day one or two.

 

 

 

Laura

  • She wants moved to Spain “on a whim.” Why? and Why did she move back? Producers dig deeper with these bios.
  • But, YAWN.

 

 

 

Nicole

  • She looks familiar. No idea who she resembles though.
  • She hails from Havana. Ooh Na Na.
  • She seems like a younger, female version of Rachel’s love Bryan.

 

 

 

Nina

  • Geez, that’s a sad back story.
  • She’s watched The Bachelor with her mom and grandma for years, so her career could be “Superfan,” right???

 

 

 

Onyeka

  • Mmm, k. This is Onyeka. Of which I don’t know how to pronounce your name.

 

 

 

 

Revian

  • Her name reminds me of Evian and Revlon.
  • Her career is listed as nurse but in her bio, it says she’s an esthetician, which are two very different jobs. Does she not know what she does??

 

 

 

Sydney

  • She seems very normal, which is a low bar for the show, which means I like her already.
  • It seems to be the “never” season: she’s never had a boyfriend, Kendall 2.0 has never been kissed, and Colton is a virgin. Hmmm, purposeful?
  • I’d put her far in my Bach bracket, for this season, for Paradise, for Bachelorette running.

 

 

Tahzjuan

  • Not going to attempt to pronounce her name. I just hope Chris Harrison or Colton do not butcher it.
  • She has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas,” so that explains why she’s on this reality dating show. Oh, how I love to tease.

 

 

Tayshia

  • She’s a phlebotomist and likes to volunteer. Seems nice and normal. No word on how long she’ll last, unfortunately, because I like her: she has purpose and drive.
  • We’ve come a long way from our beauty queens and content creators. Literally, we are in the Ts. But does Colton want a self-sufficient, successful girl or one who will settle for the career title of wife?

 

 

Tracy

  • I feel like she’ll be involved in drama this season.

 

 

 

 

It feels like a sea of girls who all look the same. Give Colton the strength to remember which one is which, because I’m already lost.

This season seems very boring. But, will I still be watching, obviously. Will I, like Colton, feel the desire to fling myself over a fence to escape this? Likely.

Breaking Down the Guys Competing for Roses on This Year’s “The Bachelorette”

By now, everyone knows how the end of “The Bachelor” went down: when Arie acted like a complete dirtbag and proposed to Minnesota-based publicist Becca K (albeit not very lovingly at all) and then promptly set up an on-camera break up and refused to leave while she cried, mere weeks later. It was brutal and we, as loyal members of #BachelorNation, flipped on the former racecar driver so fast for the horrible way he treated Becca and her emotions. *eye roll* Well, we moved on and thank goodness ABC decided to “do the damn thing,” aka making Becca the next franchise lead.

Stemming from the “Independent Woman” promo starring Becca holding roses (naturally, obvi), we were so ready to DO THE DAMN THING and watch Becca find a worthy guy. (I mean, I was already sold on four of the suitors she met at the After The Final Rose taping.)

And now, mere weeks away from the premiere of what’s being described as a “kick ass” season, ABC has released the headshots, bios, and the mostly ridiculous careers of Becca’s suitors. What follows next but my natural first impressions and judgements of these guys?? So, let’s do this.

First step, let’s relive my thoughts from ATFR, taken directly from my Twitter page, where she met five of the guys:

I like Lincoln: so sweet.

Ok. First Impression Rose. Done, Lincoln wins.

One look at Chase. Nope. Bad vibes.

Ok this banjo guy [Ryan] is so cute and sweet. My top pick.

Darius is apologizing on behalf of his gender. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok. And Blake. Top three with Ryan and Lincoln. Ok, Becca, yea, I think this journey is going to be good.

So already, I was primed to like Lincoln, Ryan and Blake as my top picks. Let’s what the rest of these bios reveal. One: Becca definitely has a type from first glances alone and there’s a lot of hair gel, a lot. Two, the bios, which is a few sentences instead of the usual questionnaire, WHAT. Okay, let’s get over my initial shock that producers actually changed something from the show’s format and dive right into my first impressions.

Age 31, nice normal age of a contestant usually here for the right reasons. Apparently he likes country music, playing with his dog, going to the beach with his boat, and skiing. That’s like the male equivalent of being #basic.

He “considers himself a modern romantic who believes that two people need to be independent in order to truly love each other, so he’s looking for his equal match.” Fair point, I like it. If he can swing dance, I’d like to say, we need proof. How cute would a swing dance date be with Blake and Becca? Not to mention reality TV gold for a show trying to evoke a romantic feeling. Ohhhh yea, he showed up on the horse, I liked him even then!

Nope. This is the smarmy guy we met on ATFR. Didn’t need to open his mouth, didn’t like him. Those feelings still apply for the Florida-based Advertising VP who is big into sports, the outdoors, and adventure. So Becca, please heed my warning (because I’m usually pretty good at spotting the players this show casts), and let him go already.

Seems nice and normal, perhaps a bit too into fitness. So, I’m guessing he’ll be shirtless often at the Mansion? Also, his goal is to follow in his family’s footsteps and retire by 40… So, um, you work until age 40 and then that’s it? You’re done? I just don’t get it…

Does Becca like an athlete? Because a lot of her guys, Christian included, like to boast about their athletic pasts and accomplishments. So, his biggest fear is “spilling something on himself” in front of Becca. DUDE, that would be me 24/7. I’m just saying, if a guy can’t handle me at my clumsiest self, than he doesn’t deserve me at my classiest, most put together self. (Did I do that popular Twitter meme correctly??)

Question, how does he pronounce his name? I’ll be waiting for his limo entrance for an answer. He’s a former Harlem Globetrotter, so I’m guessing he’ll be on a basketball or sports date at some point during his tenure on the show? OMG, he hopes finding love with Becca will be a “lay-up.” I’m rolling my eyes at that super cheesy line.

I WAS RIGHT, sports professional (and football player)! BAM. Sorry, I just like to be right. True gentleman, ok that’s nice.

IS HE A COUNTRY SINGER? TELL ME HE’S A COUNTRY SINGER/SONGWRITER. He’s got that look down pat. Oh, former footballer, and I apologize because now he dedicates his time to charity work and helping kids with CF and spending time with his family and dog. I’m so sorry, Colton. Wow, congrats on that amazing charity work you do. Mazel tov. But, question: so he famously used to date gymnast/Olympian Aly Raisman, whom he asked out via some sports interview thing, so is he here for the right reasons or more fame?? I’m skeptical.

Ooo, fitness coach: strike one. And fitness is his only thing mentioned in his two-sentence bio basically. So, bye.

Darius, who began his journey by apologizing to Becca on behalf of his gender and had the audience in stitches for it, seems like a stand-up guy. He likes to travel, dance and is energetic and fun-loving. The Milwaukee native (So, Midwestern values. Like Becca. And myself, just saying.) has perhaps one of the best lines written: “His most important mission is to live a life of service by giving back to others.” Bam, mic drop. Good guy.

Looks super young. And is another very basic Bachelorette contestant. I don’t think there’s anything else to say. But pretty and young. And hates avocado; so no brunch dates, I guess?

Apparently this fourth-generation electrician has a great sense of humor. I’m afraid I’ll need proof before you may continue on the show.

Sales rep and outdoors guy, that’s about it.

Well, neither he or Becca would have to move if they ended up together. And that’s not exactly a selling point: case in point, Andi Dorfman and Josh. Or Rachel Lindsey and Fred. And we all know how those instances turned out.

Lots of hair gel. A “successful banker with a heart of gold,” oh dear god, that’s cheesy. But he sings Disney songs, so he’s alright in my book because that’s my life and really all I listen to.

And welcome to the weird jobs club, Mr. COLOGNOISSEUR! Which just means he has a lot of cologne. Not his job, just a hobby for the Haitian-born Miami resident. Hey, Jean Blanc, are you going to gift Becca some cologne for your first meeting?? Also, the self-proclaimed bookworm is currently reading Amy Kaufman’s “Bachelor Nation,” book that I also read. LOLOL is this real? Like did he really think, ‘huh, you know what I want to read before I start this *cough cough* journey? The nonfiction book about the behind-the-scenes of this very show? You know the one that production kept trying to dismiss??’

Aww I feel bad, he’s “successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love” and “ripe and ready to be picked” by Becca. Awwww, poor guy. Produce puns, ughhh. But that first part? I feel so bad for him. Aww, sympathy rose from me.

I have a strong feeling this Silicon Valley tech guy won’t make past night one. Just a feeling. But “world-famous” banana bread? I’m afraid, I’ll need some proof John, if you’re going to use that statement. And by that I mean, bake me banana bread to judge.

Wait, is that Robby Hayes?? He looks very slick, anddd there we go, he’s a male model. Red flag alert. Also, he can run a mile in 4.24. For comparison, I would be huffing and puffing, exhausted by the start line while he concludes. So, that could never work out. Just saying.

May I ask what a “social media participant” means? Like a social media user? Yea, that’s like everyone. It’s free, you can say what you want, yea… Or is he prepping of his post-show career as an influencer? He also “dabbles” in male modeling who won’t get his hands dirty because he’s afraid of spiders. K, I’m laughing. Poor guy, doesn’t stand a chance.

That is 100 percent my brother’s hair and now I cannot unsee it. I’m sorry Leo, but I’ll be biased against you all season. I’m sorry, that’s my brother’s hair and I just can’t see past that. I’m sorry. Ok then, moving on, he’s a stuntman, yea that seems about right. That hair took ten years??? LOLOL, that took my brother like a few months. HAHA.

First, THAT ACCENT. As someone who’s lived in London for a bit, I love a British accent, so, sorry guys: Lincoln is already a step ahead. Aww cute, he “would love to have a big family to make his mom proud.” So cute. And he has such a nice smile.

CIRCLING BACK: I retract everything about what I thought about Lincoln. Disappointed in his actions (that would not make his mum proud) and with ABC for casting this man.

Hard pass on the hair, first off. It’s like wannabe Leo (or my brother haha) hair but not quite as good looking. Second, he loves festivals, horse races, and state fairs. Wow. Ok, bye now.

Life of the party? Fun-loving attorney? And a “weekend warrior” enjoys “brunches, barbecues, and the beach?” And alliterations, duh. Yea, I’m saying, PASS.

Rickey with the cute lil bow tie is what else for a Bachelorette contestant? Personal trainer. Course.

IT’S RYAN. Banjo guy!! *swoon* Aka Wells 2.0. And I’m okay with that. The 26-year-old “banjoist” (apparently that’s a thing) is very close with his family (who all plays in a bluegrass band with him, awww cute), plays the ukulele, guitar, and trombone, and is passionate about sailing, and wait for it: “can’t wait to make the Bachelorette his first mate.” Done, Ryan wins. Number one pick, hands down. I choose Ryan, everyone else can go home now.

And another model. Greaaaaaaat. Cool. Yup. Say no more, I’m out.

The California native seems nice and normal, and also really loves Harry Potter. Hope Becca (and her Sister Act 2 fandom) can mesh with Wills and his love of HP.

So get ready for May 28, break out your Bach Brackets and get your Fantasy Leagues ready to do the damn thing. And by that, I mean watch yet another dramatic journey where hopefully the lead falls in love and has about a 40% percent of staying together.

Until next time,

March/April 2018 Reading List

After quickly completing my January and February reading lists, once again I was on the hunt for some new reads. And so, what naturally follows? Heading to Barnes & Noble to browse through every single fiction aisle and shelf and see what strikes my fancy, naturally. And boy, did I find enough. Armed with a heavy bag of new books, I left the store ready to begin these new reading adventures.

“Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure” by Amy Kaufman

This nonfiction debut book from L.A. Times writer and self-proclaimed “Bachelor” fan, Amy Kaufman. Kaufman researched and interviewed experts to find out what really goes down in the Bachelor mansion while filming the hit reality franchise, and exploring why we all turn in week to week to watch it all unfold.

As an avid watcher of the franchise (lol could you tell from this blog??) and its fictional counterpart “UnREAL,” I was definitely as intrigued as I read the revelations from Kaufman’s original New York Post excerpt. I was curious, and so: reading list, here we go!

It wasn’t until Lifetime debuted “UnREAL,” that I even truly comprehended that something like “The Bachelor” or other reality shows were so produced. (I always knew they were scripted ala “Kardashians” but the dirty deeds of production? I was completely in the dark like most members of Bachelor Nation.) This book truly opened my eyes to how one of my ultimate guilty pleasures, so from now on (like Becca K’s ex showing up on this recent season? Come on.), in the name of media literacy, I can now comprehend what is actually going on and take the show as it is (a pleasure-filled dramatic television series) with a grain of salt. An interesting look at the psychology of a popular television franchise, how it gets made, and why we continue to enjoy watching such a trainwreck of drama.

“The Recipe Box” by Viola Shipman

The recently released novel explores the life of Sam, a busy sous chef for a hot New York bakery. Her life isn’t going as she planned, so she returns home to her small Michigan town to take inventory of her family’s orchard and pie shop. There, she discovers secrets and memories of her family, one recipe at a time in the heirloom recipe box. The inside cover continues, “As Sam discovers what matters most in her life, she opens her heart to a man she left behind but who now might be the key to her happiness.”

It seems intriguing, with a hint of cheesy romance often found in corny Hallmark romance movies. I’m in.

 

 

“Young Jane Young” by Gabrielle Zevin

The new novel by “The Storied Life of AJ Fikry” author illustrates the world of protagonist Aviva, a former congressional intern who was once the center of a political scandal that now may threaten her own bid for political office years later. The inside summary reads that this novel is a “smart, funny, serious, and moving novel about the myriad of ways in which roles are still circumscribed for women, whether they are young, ambitious interns; mothers attempting to steer their daughters through a male-dominated world; political wives facing an age-old knowledge that fidelity isn’t always honored; or young girls feeling bold about their many choices before they release the gender restrictions all around them.”

Seems interesting, especially as it tackles important issues that women still face everyday. Andddd… to page one we go.

“Hot Mess” by Emily Belden

In this installment of Miranda Reads Cheesy Millennial-Type Novels, Emily Belden’s “Hot Mess” seemed to intrigue me in such a way. The story centers around Allie, a twentysomething who is so infatuated by her love for sought-after, culinary genius Benji, despite storied past struggling with addiction and living an often-reckless lifestyle. When he is offered the job of a lifetime in creating a hot New York restaurant, Allie follows her love and takes a giant leap: investing her life savings in the establishment. What happens when Benji takes off on a relapse, leaving Allie alone with “nothing but a massive withdrawal slip” and an approaching opening day. She is suddenly thrust into the “world of luxury and greed, cutthroat business and sensory delight. Lost in the mess of it all, she can either crumble completely or fight like hell for the life she wants and the love she deserves.”

Seems promising and interesting to say the least, in a typical Millennial-centric novel, but let’s give it a shot.

“Needles and Pearls” by Gil McNeil

I was fascinated by Gil McNeil’s “Needles and Pearls” novel, which focuses on widow Jo, a year after her husband’s death, where she is finally getting used to being a single parent to her sons and her yarn shop is doing quite well to boot. But then, a man from her past arrives as well as a new romance with a local carpenter develops to “make life a whole lot more interesting.” The book tackles if Jo can “cope when things get complicated.”

Hm, tell me more… Guess I better read to find out?

 

 

 

Keep on reading! 💖

Judging This Year’s “Bachelor” Contestants, Part III

Guess what’s back, back again?? That’s right: my (now annual) Bachelor cast commentaries, because it’s my favorite part of the whole series. Have at my sarcasm and snark in all its glory…

First things first, ABC is promoting the hit reality show’s return as “Janu-Arie.” *cue the groans* I mean, are we really surprised? No. Who remembers how Ben H was a “perfect Ben” like a “perfect 10?” *eye roll here*

The Bachelor:

Arie Luyendyk Jr, some six years after his first appearance on the franchise (Emily Maynard’s season of the Bachelorette, 2012), returns to find love after having his heart broken on national television.

When ABC first announced their casting choice, while many had no clue who this older guy was (likely because they didn’t watch early seasons or that he’s not social media active, typically a staple of contestants these days). But, I did. I remember LOVING Emily’s season (and making my mom send me weekly recaps while I was at camp. True story.), and Arie’s buddy slash former Bachelor Sean Lowe.

Back in the day, I didn’t know how to feel about the “kissing bandit” Arie. I did like him and he seemed genuine, however, I was unsure if Emily could look past his occupation as a racer driver given her late fiance’s profession. Evidently, she did, until she couldn’t and chose Jef (with one F) instead, which we all know didn’t last long.

I do applaud ABC’s choice of Arie: getting back to the show’s roots that made it successful,getting away from these new faux-celebrities that the contenders all strive to be after the show ends (ugh.), and not choosing a Bachelor that wouldn’t give them the happy ending they crave for the show (cough cough, Peter.) Ok, rant over.

The Women:

The 27-year-old Oklahoma-based personal stylist seems normal, down-to-earth and sweet.

Ok first, the name “Amber” is like a red flag name for the mean popular blonde cheerleader girl everyone hated in high school (or high school centric movies).

Aside from that, the 29-year-old business owner (which idk if it’s real or “real” like Corinne who worked for Daddy’s business) seems basic. But her answer to “which fictional character would you be:” she said, “Ariel because she’s a beautiful mermaid that can sing and gets to marry Prince Eric, what a stud.” So, so she cares about looks and a handsome guy? Ughhhh. To compare, Ali (from above) said she’d be the empowering Wonder Woman. Ok, so I’m over Amber.

She’s 32! We got an age-appropriate one for Arie! That’s like a Bachelor unicorn! Anyway, the event planner seems normal.

The 25-year-old real estate agent also gives normal answers. Case in point: Her least favorite household chore: “LAUNDRY! Takes me a whole week from washing to folding and putting it all away.” I mean, relatable. *she types, staring at the laundry basket full of clean clothes sitting at the foot of her bed for at least a week.*

Becca K has some big eyes. Wowza. Ok moving on, the 27-year-old publicist really likes Sister Act 2. Not the first one, the sequel. As in she mentioned it twice. How the heck does Sister Act 2 come up twice naturally in conversation??? Legit curious.

Bekah M- NO AGE LISTED ON HER BIO- is a nanny. Ok, circling back: why didn’t she list her age? Like what? How did no one ask her? Or why didn’t she volunteer it when you volunteered to go on a nationally televised dating show? Apparently it’s a storyline for the show? Well, she did say she likes to be the center of attention. Well, huh. She does look SUPER young. Like if you are that young, are you really ready to marry a 36-year-old man?

First off, what type of name is Bibiana? One she says she enjoys popping her pimples. *throwing up in my mouth a little* And she gave this answer to the following question, Would you consider yourself a lover of art? “Yes, Wish I could be art.” WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? You wish you could be art? That’s an answer to if you like art? Bibiana, can you please explain? I’m so confused. So, banking her as the crazy girl this season.

Bri looks like a model or pageant girl or something; think Courtney R the model-villain from Ben F’s season. Yuck. Ohhh, she’s a sports reporter AND won an Emmy. Ok, you shut me up. Keep doing your thing.

Meh, normal.

Brittany #2: normal. Also her answer to where she meets guys: “I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” Yea, that’s about right, lol.

She looks like a normal human! (I’m sorry, but The Bachelor has a low bar for people that are real humans with jobs, paychecks, health insurance, and real thoughts).

Why does she need to specify she’s a “real estate” executive assistant? Hint: the title is enough, we don’t really need the industry too.

COOL JOB ALERT: “I work for a psychiatry research lab. It’s important experience before getting a Ph.D. in chemical psychology. My career is very important to me.” Good for you, girl, good for you. *applause* And please for the love of all that is good in this world, please don’t quit your job post-show to hawk fit teas and hair vitamins on Instagram, please.

Beauty pageant girl? Wait, she looks like Emily Maynard!!! Ohhhh, how will Arie react to that? Hmmmm. Stay tuned.

Ok, how come legit every girl’s favorite movie is “Crazy Stupid Love????” I mean, I love a rom-com as much as the next girl, but come on, even I have to admit that one is far from an Oscar winner or a film classic.

Oh great, a bloody TV host. Like she’s really honestly here for the right reasons??

She’s the weird girl, remember that. Her best gift she’s received? ” My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.” What?!?! Um Arie, back away slowly…

She’s a fitness coach named Krystal? I’m gonna guess she’ll start some fights and cause some drama?

Oh no, what did we do to deserve another blonde Lauren B??? Noo, wasn’t it enough that Ben H picked the first blonde, boring Lauren B on his season? Now, we have to go through this all over again??

Normal, seems nice.

“Recent Masters Graduate,” soooo unemployed? I mean kudos on your degree, but let’s just call it what it is, shall we?

I repeat, there are FOUR Laurens! New record! There’s no way Arie can remember to keep these four straight; good luck Arie. This Lauren is super basic. Wow. Also in response to: How much do you enjoy the theater? She said, “Love it. If I got to see Hamilton, I’d die.” Because “Hamilton” is the only piece of theater out there. (Hey Lauren, need tips? Just check out this blog or my Instagram page and I’ll teach you all about theater.)

How is this pronounced? Is it like Raquel with an M or what? Also, she’s 23. How in the world are you ready to settle down and get married at 23. Like I’m around that age and that is utterly mind boggling, because there’s no way I’m ready to get married at this point in my life? Like really? Ok, rant over.

Meh, average.

30. Orthopedic nurse. Seems strong. Like this contestant.

Another 23-year-old! Is she really ready for marriage? Like seriously? Legit curious. Oh dear god, her favorite book. You guessed it folks, “50 Shades of Grey.” Dear god. This is for national TV, you couldn’t just say a classic or anything that resembles actual literature?

Seems normal, sweet-looking.

The Arkansas native is poised to be this season’s Raven. And I’m ok with that, since Raven was hilarious and so sweet.

Meh, no strong feelings here.

Well, ok I made it through the cast list. PHEW, that’s done! I’m sorry if that was a lot snarkier than in the past, these were my gut first reactions to their photos and bios. And hopefully these women prove me wrong come Janu-Arie (I know, I know. And I’m sorry about that.) 1st when the show returns.

10 “Bachelor” Nation Happily-Ever-Afters That Will Remind You That True Love Does Exist

Who says you can’t find love on camera?

In honor of “The Bachelorette” finale tonight, where #BachelorNation will finally learn the mystery identity of Rachel Lindsey’s fiance, I thought I’d run down the *cutest* moments where “The Bachelor,” “Bachelorette,” and “Bachelor in Paradise” stars actually found love (and said yes) on a reality show (seems crazy, no?).

Trista and Ryan Sutter

The OG Bachelorette and her chosen suitor are still going strong, most recently have celebrated over ten years of marriage and two children together, Max and Blakesley. Talk about Bachelor legends!

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My family. My everything. ❤️ #justbecause #fbf

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Jason and Molly Mesnick

While Molly wasn’t the recipient of the Final Rose, she did get a fantasy proposal on ATFR and they’ve lived as a happy family in Seattle with his son from a previous marriage and their daughter together Riley.

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💙🏝🛥 #Cabo

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A little #TeaParty to start the day😘🙃😉😄

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Ashley and J.P. Rosenbaum

Ashley was first seen on the train wreck that was Brad Womack’s second try as The Bachelor. But luckily for J.P., that didn’t work out for her and next season she was chosen as The Bachelorette where she finally got her happy ending with J.P. Completing their ABC journey with a televised wedding and a baby gender reveal on the Men Tell All, this family of four remains just as cute as when J.P. first greeted his now-wife outside the mansion, this time with little ones Ford and Essie.

Sean and Catherine Lowe

Perhaps one of *the* best Bachelors in the history of the show, Sean and wife Catherine Giudici continue to be just as adorable as their ABC wedding special, as evidenced on their Instagram pages as a family of three, with cute baby Samuel.

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Inseparable.

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If my heart was any fuller, it would burst.

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Mine.

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Desiree and Chris Siegfried

One of my personal favorite Bachelor couples would have to be Des and Chris. They just seemed so full of love during her season (once you look past all the Brooks drama) and it seems that hasn’t wavered a day, especially after welcoming their son Asher during the Bachelor Baby Boom a year back.

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BabyBoss #YouTalkinToMe ?

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Kaitlyn Bristowe and Shawn Booth

I rooted for Shawn B from the get-go of the “two Bachelorettes” season! His connection with Kaitlyn just seemed so effortless. #RelationshipGoals While they have yet to tie the knot, the Nashville-based couple are still engaged(hey, the Neil Lane diamond is officially hers by now!), but my gosh, are they so adorable together.

Jade and Tanner Tolbert

After a disastrous first season of “Paradise,” that didn’t boast any [real] marriages or relationships to come of the Mexican spinoff, Round 2 had much better luck. From episode one, it was evident there was something between Jade from Chris Soules’ season and Tanner from Kaitlyn’s season. Even without many official dates, these two coupled up pretty quickly, so it was only fitting that their season ended in an engagement. And now, this married couple continues to be just as adorable on social media as they prepare for their daughter’s birth soon.

 

JoJo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers

During JoJo’s season, we saw her fall hard for the famous football player’s younger brother from night one. While they remain engaged, the couple is still cute and goofy together.

Carly Waddell and Evan Bass

In “Paradise” last year, the singer from Chris Soules’ season unexpectedly found love with the “ED expert” Evan from JoJo’s season. Which, I know, WHAT. Carly went from literally throwing up after their hot pepper first kiss to “boarding the Evan train” once again after a brief trip to a Mexican hospital. We as audience members went from cringing at his failed attempts to woo the two-time Paradise contender. But somehow he did. And, so gosh darn cute together. And in a few weeks time, we’ll see their wedding play out on season four of “Paradise.”

Annnnddd… as of yesterday, Waddell and Bass just announced an exciting addition!

More next-gen Bachelor Nation playdates to come??

 

Rachel Lindsey + Fiance???

Obviously, we don’t know who the attorney accepted a proposal from (well, I have my hunches… And a Bachelor bracket I’d really like to get correct.), but in the meantime doing press, Rachel seems SO in love. Which is great for her, and I’m happy about. (I’ll be even happier if it means my Bachelor bracket is correct, just saying…)

I love seeing all these happy couples in love. It gives hope that, hey, maybe you can find love on a TV show??

Ravens and Roses: The Optimal Way to Watch This Season of “The Bachelorette”

Many members of #BachelorNation host premier viewing parties every Monday night (complete with roses, fantasy league brackets, and wine, lots of wine.), but one specific viewing party has to be THE best.

NFL players (these guys get paid to slam other people around for sport, mind you) are actually big ole softies. Case in point: The Baltimore Ravens players host a Bachelorette viewing party weekly, as they posted on Facebook.

Here’s the video in its entirety:

While watching the ultimate guilty pleasure reality show first was a joke, these men quickly were captivated by the programming and made watching a weekly thing.

We’d love to be a fly on the wall at their party every week! (Sure beats my bed and takeout for sure!)

[h/t Entertainment Weekly]