Breaking Down the Guys Competing for Roses on This Year’s “The Bachelorette”

By now, everyone knows how the end of “The Bachelor” went down: when Arie acted like a complete dirtbag and proposed to Minnesota-based publicist Becca K (albeit not very lovingly at all) and then promptly set up an on-camera break up and refused to leave while she cried, mere weeks later. It was brutal and we, as loyal members of #BachelorNation, flipped on the former racecar driver so fast for the horrible way he treated Becca and her emotions. *eye roll* Well, we moved on and thank goodness ABC decided to “do the damn thing,” aka making Becca the next franchise lead.

Stemming from the “Independent Woman” promo starring Becca holding roses (naturally, obvi), we were so ready to DO THE DAMN THING and watch Becca find a worthy guy. (I mean, I was already sold on four of the suitors she met at the After The Final Rose taping.)

And now, mere weeks away from the premiere of what’s being described as a “kick ass” season, ABC has released the headshots, bios, and the mostly ridiculous careers of Becca’s suitors. What follows next but my natural first impressions and judgements of these guys?? So, let’s do this.

First step, let’s relive my thoughts from ATFR, taken directly from my Twitter page, where she met five of the guys:

I like Lincoln: so sweet.

Ok. First Impression Rose. Done, Lincoln wins.

One look at Chase. Nope. Bad vibes.

Ok this banjo guy [Ryan] is so cute and sweet. My top pick.

Darius is apologizing on behalf of his gender. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok. And Blake. Top three with Ryan and Lincoln. Ok, Becca, yea, I think this journey is going to be good.

So already, I was primed to like Lincoln, Ryan and Blake as my top picks. Let’s what the rest of these bios reveal. One: Becca definitely has a type from first glances alone and there’s a lot of hair gel, a lot. Two, the bios, which is a few sentences instead of the usual questionnaire, WHAT. Okay, let’s get over my initial shock that producers actually changed something from the show’s format and dive right into my first impressions.

Age 31, nice normal age of a contestant usually here for the right reasons. Apparently he likes country music, playing with his dog, going to the beach with his boat, and skiing. That’s like the male equivalent of being #basic.

He “considers himself a modern romantic who believes that two people need to be independent in order to truly love each other, so he’s looking for his equal match.” Fair point, I like it. If he can swing dance, I’d like to say, we need proof. How cute would a swing dance date be with Blake and Becca? Not to mention reality TV gold for a show trying to evoke a romantic feeling. Ohhhh yea, he showed up on the horse, I liked him even then!

Nope. This is the smarmy guy we met on ATFR. Didn’t need to open his mouth, didn’t like him. Those feelings still apply for the Florida-based Advertising VP who is big into sports, the outdoors, and adventure. So Becca, please heed my warning (because I’m usually pretty good at spotting the players this show casts), and let him go already.

Seems nice and normal, perhaps a bit too into fitness. So, I’m guessing he’ll be shirtless often at the Mansion? Also, his goal is to follow in his family’s footsteps and retire by 40… So, um, you work until age 40 and then that’s it? You’re done? I just don’t get it…

Does Becca like an athlete? Because a lot of her guys, Christian included, like to boast about their athletic pasts and accomplishments. So, his biggest fear is “spilling something on himself” in front of Becca. DUDE, that would be me 24/7. I’m just saying, if a guy can’t handle me at my clumsiest self, than he doesn’t deserve me at my classiest, most put together self. (Did I do that popular Twitter meme correctly??)

Question, how does he pronounce his name? I’ll be waiting for his limo entrance for an answer. He’s a former Harlem Globetrotter, so I’m guessing he’ll be on a basketball or sports date at some point during his tenure on the show? OMG, he hopes finding love with Becca will be a “lay-up.” I’m rolling my eyes at that super cheesy line.

I WAS RIGHT, sports professional (and football player)! BAM. Sorry, I just like to be right. True gentleman, ok that’s nice.

IS HE A COUNTRY SINGER? TELL ME HE’S A COUNTRY SINGER/SONGWRITER. He’s got that look down pat. Oh, former footballer, and I apologize because now he dedicates his time to charity work and helping kids with CF and spending time with his family and dog. I’m so sorry, Colton. Wow, congrats on that amazing charity work you do. Mazel tov. But, question: so he famously used to date gymnast/Olympian Aly Raisman, whom he asked out via some sports interview thing, so is he here for the right reasons or more fame?? I’m skeptical.

Ooo, fitness coach: strike one. And fitness is his only thing mentioned in his two-sentence bio basically. So, bye.

Darius, who began his journey by apologizing to Becca on behalf of his gender and had the audience in stitches for it, seems like a stand-up guy. He likes to travel, dance and is energetic and fun-loving. The Milwaukee native (So, Midwestern values. Like Becca. And myself, just saying.) has perhaps one of the best lines written: “His most important mission is to live a life of service by giving back to others.” Bam, mic drop. Good guy.

Looks super young. And is another very basic Bachelorette contestant. I don’t think there’s anything else to say. But pretty and young. And hates avocado; so no brunch dates, I guess?

Apparently this fourth-generation electrician has a great sense of humor. I’m afraid I’ll need proof before you may continue on the show.

Sales rep and outdoors guy, that’s about it.

Well, neither he or Becca would have to move if they ended up together. And that’s not exactly a selling point: case in point, Andi Dorfman and Josh. Or Rachel Lindsey and Fred. And we all know how those instances turned out.

Lots of hair gel. A “successful banker with a heart of gold,” oh dear god, that’s cheesy. But he sings Disney songs, so he’s alright in my book because that’s my life and really all I listen to.

And welcome to the weird jobs club, Mr. COLOGNOISSEUR! Which just means he has a lot of cologne. Not his job, just a hobby for the Haitian-born Miami resident. Hey, Jean Blanc, are you going to gift Becca some cologne for your first meeting?? Also, the self-proclaimed bookworm is currently reading Amy Kaufman’s “Bachelor Nation,” book that I also read. LOLOL is this real? Like did he really think, ‘huh, you know what I want to read before I start this *cough cough* journey? The nonfiction book about the behind-the-scenes of this very show? You know the one that production kept trying to dismiss??’

Aww I feel bad, he’s “successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love” and “ripe and ready to be picked” by Becca. Awwww, poor guy. Produce puns, ughhh. But that first part? I feel so bad for him. Aww, sympathy rose from me.

I have a strong feeling this Silicon Valley tech guy won’t make past night one. Just a feeling. But “world-famous” banana bread? I’m afraid, I’ll need some proof John, if you’re going to use that statement. And by that I mean, bake me banana bread to judge.

Wait, is that Robby Hayes?? He looks very slick, anddd there we go, he’s a male model. Red flag alert. Also, he can run a mile in 4.24. For comparison, I would be huffing and puffing, exhausted by the start line while he concludes. So, that could never work out. Just saying.

May I ask what a “social media participant” means? Like a social media user? Yea, that’s like everyone. It’s free, you can say what you want, yea… Or is he prepping of his post-show career as an influencer? He also “dabbles” in male modeling who won’t get his hands dirty because he’s afraid of spiders. K, I’m laughing. Poor guy, doesn’t stand a chance.

That is 100 percent my brother’s hair and now I cannot unsee it. I’m sorry Leo, but I’ll be biased against you all season. I’m sorry, that’s my brother’s hair and I just can’t see past that. I’m sorry. Ok then, moving on, he’s a stuntman, yea that seems about right. That hair took ten years??? LOLOL, that took my brother like a few months. HAHA.

First, THAT ACCENT. As someone who’s lived in London for a bit, I love a British accent, so, sorry guys: Lincoln is already a step ahead. Aww cute, he “would love to have a big family to make his mom proud.” So cute. And he has such a nice smile.

CIRCLING BACK: I retract everything about what I thought about Lincoln. Disappointed in his actions (that would not make his mum proud) and with ABC for casting this man.

Hard pass on the hair, first off. It’s like wannabe Leo (or my brother haha) hair but not quite as good looking. Second, he loves festivals, horse races, and state fairs. Wow. Ok, bye now.

Life of the party? Fun-loving attorney? And a “weekend warrior” enjoys “brunches, barbecues, and the beach?” And alliterations, duh. Yea, I’m saying, PASS.

Rickey with the cute lil bow tie is what else for a Bachelorette contestant? Personal trainer. Course.

IT’S RYAN. Banjo guy!! *swoon* Aka Wells 2.0. And I’m okay with that. The 26-year-old “banjoist” (apparently that’s a thing) is very close with his family (who all plays in a bluegrass band with him, awww cute), plays the ukulele, guitar, and trombone, and is passionate about sailing, and wait for it: “can’t wait to make the Bachelorette his first mate.” Done, Ryan wins. Number one pick, hands down. I choose Ryan, everyone else can go home now.

And another model. Greaaaaaaat. Cool. Yup. Say no more, I’m out.

The California native seems nice and normal, and also really loves Harry Potter. Hope Becca (and her Sister Act 2 fandom) can mesh with Wills and his love of HP.

So get ready for May 28, break out your Bach Brackets and get your Fantasy Leagues ready to do the damn thing. And by that, I mean watch yet another dramatic journey where hopefully the lead falls in love and has about a 40% percent of staying together.

Until next time,

March/April 2018 Reading List

After quickly completing my January and February reading lists, once again I was on the hunt for some new reads. And so, what naturally follows? Heading to Barnes & Noble to browse through every single fiction aisle and shelf and see what strikes my fancy, naturally. And boy, did I find enough. Armed with a heavy bag of new books, I left the store ready to begin these new reading adventures.

“Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure” by Amy Kaufman

This nonfiction debut book from L.A. Times writer and self-proclaimed “Bachelor” fan, Amy Kaufman. Kaufman researched and interviewed experts to find out what really goes down in the Bachelor mansion while filming the hit reality franchise, and exploring why we all turn in week to week to watch it all unfold.

As an avid watcher of the franchise (lol could you tell from this blog??) and its fictional counterpart “UnREAL,” I was definitely as intrigued as I read the revelations from Kaufman’s original New York Post excerpt. I was curious, and so: reading list, here we go!

It wasn’t until Lifetime debuted “UnREAL,” that I even truly comprehended that something like “The Bachelor” or other reality shows were so produced. (I always knew they were scripted ala “Kardashians” but the dirty deeds of production? I was completely in the dark like most members of Bachelor Nation.) This book truly opened my eyes to how one of my ultimate guilty pleasures, so from now on (like Becca K’s ex showing up on this recent season? Come on.), in the name of media literacy, I can now comprehend what is actually going on and take the show as it is (a pleasure-filled dramatic television series) with a grain of salt. An interesting look at the psychology of a popular television franchise, how it gets made, and why we continue to enjoy watching such a trainwreck of drama.

“The Recipe Box” by Viola Shipman

The recently released novel explores the life of Sam, a busy sous chef for a hot New York bakery. Her life isn’t going as she planned, so she returns home to her small Michigan town to take inventory of her family’s orchard and pie shop. There, she discovers secrets and memories of her family, one recipe at a time in the heirloom recipe box. The inside cover continues, “As Sam discovers what matters most in her life, she opens her heart to a man she left behind but who now might be the key to her happiness.”

It seems intriguing, with a hint of cheesy romance often found in corny Hallmark romance movies. I’m in.

 

 

“Young Jane Young” by Gabrielle Zevin

The new novel by “The Storied Life of AJ Fikry” author illustrates the world of protagonist Aviva, a former congressional intern who was once the center of a political scandal that now may threaten her own bid for political office years later. The inside summary reads that this novel is a “smart, funny, serious, and moving novel about the myriad of ways in which roles are still circumscribed for women, whether they are young, ambitious interns; mothers attempting to steer their daughters through a male-dominated world; political wives facing an age-old knowledge that fidelity isn’t always honored; or young girls feeling bold about their many choices before they release the gender restrictions all around them.”

Seems interesting, especially as it tackles important issues that women still face everyday. Andddd… to page one we go.

“Hot Mess” by Emily Belden

In this installment of Miranda Reads Cheesy Millennial-Type Novels, Emily Belden’s “Hot Mess” seemed to intrigue me in such a way. The story centers around Allie, a twentysomething who is so infatuated by her love for sought-after, culinary genius Benji, despite storied past struggling with addiction and living an often-reckless lifestyle. When he is offered the job of a lifetime in creating a hot New York restaurant, Allie follows her love and takes a giant leap: investing her life savings in the establishment. What happens when Benji takes off on a relapse, leaving Allie alone with “nothing but a massive withdrawal slip” and an approaching opening day. She is suddenly thrust into the “world of luxury and greed, cutthroat business and sensory delight. Lost in the mess of it all, she can either crumble completely or fight like hell for the life she wants and the love she deserves.”

Seems promising and interesting to say the least, in a typical Millennial-centric novel, but let’s give it a shot.

“Needles and Pearls” by Gil McNeil

I was fascinated by Gil McNeil’s “Needles and Pearls” novel, which focuses on widow Jo, a year after her husband’s death, where she is finally getting used to being a single parent to her sons and her yarn shop is doing quite well to boot. But then, a man from her past arrives as well as a new romance with a local carpenter develops to “make life a whole lot more interesting.” The book tackles if Jo can “cope when things get complicated.”

Hm, tell me more… Guess I better read to find out?

 

 

 

Keep on reading! 💖

Judging This Year’s “Bachelor” Contestants, Part III

Guess what’s back, back again?? That’s right: my (now annual) Bachelor cast commentaries, because it’s my favorite part of the whole series. Have at my sarcasm and snark in all its glory…

First things first, ABC is promoting the hit reality show’s return as “Janu-Arie.” *cue the groans* I mean, are we really surprised? No. Who remembers how Ben H was a “perfect Ben” like a “perfect 10?” *eye roll here*

The Bachelor:

Arie Luyendyk Jr, some six years after his first appearance on the franchise (Emily Maynard’s season of the Bachelorette, 2012), returns to find love after having his heart broken on national television.

When ABC first announced their casting choice, while many had no clue who this older guy was (likely because they didn’t watch early seasons or that he’s not social media active, typically a staple of contestants these days). But, I did. I remember LOVING Emily’s season (and making my mom send me weekly recaps while I was at camp. True story.), and Arie’s buddy slash former Bachelor Sean Lowe.

Back in the day, I didn’t know how to feel about the “kissing bandit” Arie. I did like him and he seemed genuine, however, I was unsure if Emily could look past his occupation as a racer driver given her late fiance’s profession. Evidently, she did, until she couldn’t and chose Jef (with one F) instead, which we all know didn’t last long.

I do applaud ABC’s choice of Arie: getting back to the show’s roots that made it successful,getting away from these new faux-celebrities that the contenders all strive to be after the show ends (ugh.), and not choosing a Bachelor that wouldn’t give them the happy ending they crave for the show (cough cough, Peter.) Ok, rant over.

The Women:

The 27-year-old Oklahoma-based personal stylist seems normal, down-to-earth and sweet.

Ok first, the name “Amber” is like a red flag name for the mean popular blonde cheerleader girl everyone hated in high school (or high school centric movies).

Aside from that, the 29-year-old business owner (which idk if it’s real or “real” like Corinne who worked for Daddy’s business) seems basic. But her answer to “which fictional character would you be:” she said, “Ariel because she’s a beautiful mermaid that can sing and gets to marry Prince Eric, what a stud.” So, so she cares about looks and a handsome guy? Ughhhh. To compare, Ali (from above) said she’d be the empowering Wonder Woman. Ok, so I’m over Amber.

She’s 32! We got an age-appropriate one for Arie! That’s like a Bachelor unicorn! Anyway, the event planner seems normal.

The 25-year-old real estate agent also gives normal answers. Case in point: Her least favorite household chore: “LAUNDRY! Takes me a whole week from washing to folding and putting it all away.” I mean, relatable. *she types, staring at the laundry basket full of clean clothes sitting at the foot of her bed for at least a week.*

Becca K has some big eyes. Wowza. Ok moving on, the 27-year-old publicist really likes Sister Act 2. Not the first one, the sequel. As in she mentioned it twice. How the heck does Sister Act 2 come up twice naturally in conversation??? Legit curious.

Bekah M- NO AGE LISTED ON HER BIO- is a nanny. Ok, circling back: why didn’t she list her age? Like what? How did no one ask her? Or why didn’t she volunteer it when you volunteered to go on a nationally televised dating show? Apparently it’s a storyline for the show? Well, she did say she likes to be the center of attention. Well, huh. She does look SUPER young. Like if you are that young, are you really ready to marry a 36-year-old man?

First off, what type of name is Bibiana? One she says she enjoys popping her pimples. *throwing up in my mouth a little* And she gave this answer to the following question, Would you consider yourself a lover of art? “Yes, Wish I could be art.” WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? You wish you could be art? That’s an answer to if you like art? Bibiana, can you please explain? I’m so confused. So, banking her as the crazy girl this season.

Bri looks like a model or pageant girl or something; think Courtney R the model-villain from Ben F’s season. Yuck. Ohhh, she’s a sports reporter AND won an Emmy. Ok, you shut me up. Keep doing your thing.

Meh, normal.

Brittany #2: normal. Also her answer to where she meets guys: “I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” Yea, that’s about right, lol.

She looks like a normal human! (I’m sorry, but The Bachelor has a low bar for people that are real humans with jobs, paychecks, health insurance, and real thoughts).

Why does she need to specify she’s a “real estate” executive assistant? Hint: the title is enough, we don’t really need the industry too.

COOL JOB ALERT: “I work for a psychiatry research lab. It’s important experience before getting a Ph.D. in chemical psychology. My career is very important to me.” Good for you, girl, good for you. *applause* And please for the love of all that is good in this world, please don’t quit your job post-show to hawk fit teas and hair vitamins on Instagram, please.

Beauty pageant girl? Wait, she looks like Emily Maynard!!! Ohhhh, how will Arie react to that? Hmmmm. Stay tuned.

Ok, how come legit every girl’s favorite movie is “Crazy Stupid Love????” I mean, I love a rom-com as much as the next girl, but come on, even I have to admit that one is far from an Oscar winner or a film classic.

Oh great, a bloody TV host. Like she’s really honestly here for the right reasons??

She’s the weird girl, remember that. Her best gift she’s received? ” My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.” What?!?! Um Arie, back away slowly…

She’s a fitness coach named Krystal? I’m gonna guess she’ll start some fights and cause some drama?

Oh no, what did we do to deserve another blonde Lauren B??? Noo, wasn’t it enough that Ben H picked the first blonde, boring Lauren B on his season? Now, we have to go through this all over again??

Normal, seems nice.

“Recent Masters Graduate,” soooo unemployed? I mean kudos on your degree, but let’s just call it what it is, shall we?

I repeat, there are FOUR Laurens! New record! There’s no way Arie can remember to keep these four straight; good luck Arie. This Lauren is super basic. Wow. Also in response to: How much do you enjoy the theater? She said, “Love it. If I got to see Hamilton, I’d die.” Because “Hamilton” is the only piece of theater out there. (Hey Lauren, need tips? Just check out this blog or my Instagram page and I’ll teach you all about theater.)

How is this pronounced? Is it like Raquel with an M or what? Also, she’s 23. How in the world are you ready to settle down and get married at 23. Like I’m around that age and that is utterly mind boggling, because there’s no way I’m ready to get married at this point in my life? Like really? Ok, rant over.

Meh, average.

30. Orthopedic nurse. Seems strong. Like this contestant.

Another 23-year-old! Is she really ready for marriage? Like seriously? Legit curious. Oh dear god, her favorite book. You guessed it folks, “50 Shades of Grey.” Dear god. This is for national TV, you couldn’t just say a classic or anything that resembles actual literature?

Seems normal, sweet-looking.

The Arkansas native is poised to be this season’s Raven. And I’m ok with that, since Raven was hilarious and so sweet.

Meh, no strong feelings here.

Well, ok I made it through the cast list. PHEW, that’s done! I’m sorry if that was a lot snarkier than in the past, these were my gut first reactions to their photos and bios. And hopefully these women prove me wrong come Janu-Arie (I know, I know. And I’m sorry about that.) 1st when the show returns.

10 “Bachelor” Nation Happily-Ever-Afters That Will Remind You That True Love Does Exist

Who says you can’t find love on camera?

In honor of “The Bachelorette” finale tonight, where #BachelorNation will finally learn the mystery identity of Rachel Lindsey’s fiance, I thought I’d run down the *cutest* moments where “The Bachelor,” “Bachelorette,” and “Bachelor in Paradise” stars actually found love (and said yes) on a reality show (seems crazy, no?).

Trista and Ryan Sutter

The OG Bachelorette and her chosen suitor are still going strong, most recently have celebrated over ten years of marriage and two children together, Max and Blakesley. Talk about Bachelor legends!

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My family. My everything. ❤️ #justbecause #fbf

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Jason and Molly Mesnick

While Molly wasn’t the recipient of the Final Rose, she did get a fantasy proposal on ATFR and they’ve lived as a happy family in Seattle with his son from a previous marriage and their daughter together Riley.

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💙🏝🛥 #Cabo

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A little #TeaParty to start the day😘🙃😉😄

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Ashley and J.P. Rosenbaum

Ashley was first seen on the train wreck that was Brad Womack’s second try as The Bachelor. But luckily for J.P., that didn’t work out for her and next season she was chosen as The Bachelorette where she finally got her happy ending with J.P. Completing their ABC journey with a televised wedding and a baby gender reveal on the Men Tell All, this family of four remains just as cute as when J.P. first greeted his now-wife outside the mansion, this time with little ones Ford and Essie.

Sean and Catherine Lowe

Perhaps one of *the* best Bachelors in the history of the show, Sean and wife Catherine Giudici continue to be just as adorable as their ABC wedding special, as evidenced on their Instagram pages as a family of three, with cute baby Samuel.

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Inseparable.

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If my heart was any fuller, it would burst.

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Mine.

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Desiree and Chris Siegfried

One of my personal favorite Bachelor couples would have to be Des and Chris. They just seemed so full of love during her season (once you look past all the Brooks drama) and it seems that hasn’t wavered a day, especially after welcoming their son Asher during the Bachelor Baby Boom a year back.

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BabyBoss #YouTalkinToMe ?

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Kaitlyn Bristowe and Shawn Booth

I rooted for Shawn B from the get-go of the “two Bachelorettes” season! His connection with Kaitlyn just seemed so effortless. #RelationshipGoals While they have yet to tie the knot, the Nashville-based couple are still engaged(hey, the Neil Lane diamond is officially hers by now!), but my gosh, are they so adorable together.

Jade and Tanner Tolbert

After a disastrous first season of “Paradise,” that didn’t boast any [real] marriages or relationships to come of the Mexican spinoff, Round 2 had much better luck. From episode one, it was evident there was something between Jade from Chris Soules’ season and Tanner from Kaitlyn’s season. Even without many official dates, these two coupled up pretty quickly, so it was only fitting that their season ended in an engagement. And now, this married couple continues to be just as adorable on social media as they prepare for their daughter’s birth soon.

 

JoJo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers

During JoJo’s season, we saw her fall hard for the famous football player’s younger brother from night one. While they remain engaged, the couple is still cute and goofy together.

Carly Waddell and Evan Bass

In “Paradise” last year, the singer from Chris Soules’ season unexpectedly found love with the “ED expert” Evan from JoJo’s season. Which, I know, WHAT. Carly went from literally throwing up after their hot pepper first kiss to “boarding the Evan train” once again after a brief trip to a Mexican hospital. We as audience members went from cringing at his failed attempts to woo the two-time Paradise contender. But somehow he did. And, so gosh darn cute together. And in a few weeks time, we’ll see their wedding play out on season four of “Paradise.”

Annnnddd… as of yesterday, Waddell and Bass just announced an exciting addition!

More next-gen Bachelor Nation playdates to come??

 

Rachel Lindsey + Fiance???

Obviously, we don’t know who the attorney accepted a proposal from (well, I have my hunches… And a Bachelor bracket I’d really like to get correct.), but in the meantime doing press, Rachel seems SO in love. Which is great for her, and I’m happy about. (I’ll be even happier if it means my Bachelor bracket is correct, just saying…)

I love seeing all these happy couples in love. It gives hope that, hey, maybe you can find love on a TV show??

Ravens and Roses: The Optimal Way to Watch This Season of “The Bachelorette”

Many members of #BachelorNation host premier viewing parties every Monday night (complete with roses, fantasy league brackets, and wine, lots of wine.), but one specific viewing party has to be THE best.

NFL players (these guys get paid to slam other people around for sport, mind you) are actually big ole softies. Case in point: The Baltimore Ravens players host a Bachelorette viewing party weekly, as they posted on Facebook.

Here’s the video in its entirety:

While watching the ultimate guilty pleasure reality show first was a joke, these men quickly were captivated by the programming and made watching a weekly thing.

We’d love to be a fly on the wall at their party every week! (Sure beats my bed and takeout for sure!)

[h/t Entertainment Weekly]

Analyzing This Year’s Crop of Bachelorette Contestants…

Because I enjoyed it so much during JoJo’s season, it’s that time of year again!

Once again, this post are my first impressions of the men only, straight from their ABC bio pages, exclusively. (And hopefully, some of these negative bios can prove me wrong next week when the show starts airing. (I DARE YOU.)

Without further ado, Rachel’s men…

OK, I thought this 27-year-old real estate agent seemed nice and friendly (i.e his most embarrassing moment was “when I told my mom I was going on the Bachelorette.”), then I kept reading.

Case in point:

  • Most romantic birthday present: “A threesome.”
  • Do you consider yourself a good cook: “Yes! I used to cook four-course meals in college and charge people. LOL” (So, he talks with ‘LOL,’ all caps??)

Reading very bro. Pass, Rachel, PASS.

Prediction: International.

He was the guy that won (sorry, spoiler) the group date hosted at the Ellen show. Initial reactions, like the Ellen audience, he is clearly attractive, looks-wise. Can his personality live up?

  • Do you consider yourself romantic: “Yes. I like to treat my significant other like a queen.” 😍 😍 😍
  • What is the most outrageous thing he’s done: “Ate a live salamander.” *goes to throw up*

Other than the salamander, WOW. I like this guy!

Well, Alex, you’ve got my vote (because that’s how this works, right?!?)

Prediction: Finale.

He’s done some awesome volunteer work globally! Good for you!

Prediction: See ya later after night 2 or 3.

Was he on the Ellen date too? Can’t recall.

First off, poor guy. He’s an aspiring drummer. Yikes. So, unemployed?

OH MY GOD his favorite flower is a red rose because he’s a “classic gentleman.” *rolling my eyes”

I DON’T LIKE HIM.

Prediction: U.S. travel dates.

So it seems like Blake is the “it” name this time around!

Did he copy his namesake’s answer on the roses thing? PASS.

Seems boring.

Prediction: He won’t go past L.A.

My god, he looks like a human Ken doll. Little creepy. (Anddddd… he’s a male model. Got it now.)

I’m getting wrong reasons vibes here.

Prediction: Middle of the pack. See ya in Paradise.

He looks like a country singer. Other than that, he looks very sweet. I like this guy.

Prediction: Final 5.

First thought: super wide jaw. OK, moving on.

  • Greatest achievement: “Making my parents proud and inspiring my little brother.” *swooning*

A few more adorable answers, and some general WTF moments as well.

Prediction: U.S. travel for sure.

Sad story alert. #MamasBoy *wiping my eyes*

He prefers “a woman who demands to be pursued,” good, because you’re on the right vehicle for that.

Prediction: A few group dates, at least.

He seems super sweet and friendly. Wait, did we meet him on After the Final Rose??? Can’t remember.

  • Ultimate date: “No cell phones, technology, just two people geeking out about life, love, goals, family, friends, music, movies, food, etc.” (That’s sweet.)
  • Greatest achievement: “Being a GREAT big brother. Since my kid sister was born, I have taken pride in not only loving her but teaching her about life.”

Yup, #TeamDeMario.

Prediction: Fantasy suites, baby.

One, “Devil Wears Prada” IS a great movie, points added. Nothing else special.

Prediction: Middle of the pack. He’ll find his best friends amongst his competitors.

Meh, not impressed.

Prediction: He won’t leave L.A.

He WAS on the Ellen date!

Which is perfect because….

  • If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be: “Ellen DeGeneres because she seems to love what she does and people’s days are brightened when they are around her.”

Prediction: Final 6.

Frat guy, and still loving it. Red flag, Rachel.

Immature and dad jokes. Ughhhhhh.

Prediction: L.A., duuuude.

Weird, he has the same best and worst attributes? Huh.

Prediction: He’ll leave night one.

With that name, he’s gotta be a stripper, a singer, or a model. No ifs, ands, or buts. (Plus, he has a first and last name, when there are no other Jacks.)

What? He’s an attorney? OK, I’m surprised. Then why the two names, dude? BUT, doesn’t he look like old school Nick Viall??? (I can’t unsee it!!)

Prediction: Middle of the pack.

He seems sweet.

Spoke too soon: his ideal girl looks like a model. Anndddd, we’re done with him.

Prediction: U.S. trippin’

Country boy? Yup, called that one.

Meh to his answers.

Prediction: Pack your passport!

He was also on the Ellen date! And asked when it was his turn to kiss Rachel.

WTF his job is “tickle monster.” No joke. WHAT?!?

Don’t like him. Same from the Ellen show date!

Prediction: See ya after a few weeks.

They can bond about their legal passions? Meh.

Prediction: L.A. dates only.

He’s a wrestler. For some reasons, I’m getting bad vibes.

Prediction: U.S. travels.

Pretty uneventful answer. Meh.

Prediction: Peace out after night one or two.

That is some high hairdo, wow. Getting some James Taylor vibes from JoJo’s season. But his hair is giving Jef vibes from Emily Maynard’s season.

Prediction: Grab your passport.

He looks like the character Lucas on Pretty Little Liars. Creepy.

WTF is an occupation of “whaboom??” Need clarification, please.

Preditction: Middle of the pack.

Looks like every other Bachelorette contestant. Meh, seems normal.

Prediction: Going abroad.

Couldn’t focus on this retired pro b-baller. Other than he eats paleo. Yikes.

Prediction: Travel dates, maybe.

He seems sweet and nice. What? He thinks being romantic is weak? PASS.

Prediction: U.S. traveling. Then, hola Paradise!

Forgettable vibes here.

Side note: ABC, what type of question is “Gluten?” Could you clarify??

Prediction: See ya in the first night exit limo.

He looks like he knows he’s handsome.

Seems grounded, normal, a few WTF stories. Eh.

(Was he the guy that said they kissed on Ellen??)

Prediction: Oh, he’s going abroad.

Rob looks super plain and forgettable.

Prediction: Byeee after night one or two!

He was the runner-up on the Ellen game show. He seems nice and personable from that appearance and his official headshot.

Prediction: Fantasy suites, at least.

That was fun! What are your thoughts, #BachelorNation? See you next week for viewing parties! Excited for Rachel’s journey (oops, start the drinking game now.) to air.

Judging this year’s “Bachelor” contestants

Since, I enjoyed judging the first impressions of “The Bachelorette” cast last year, it’s time to do it again in time for Nick Viall’s season!

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Let’s go, first impressions only…

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-21-45-pm Alexis: Looks like a replica of Jade Tolbert from Paradise season 2. But lookalike factor aside, the aspiring dolphin trainer– I’m sorry, what? Is that code for unemployed? She seems average- very outdoorsy.

Prediction: She won’t make it past L.A. days, if past night one at all.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-25-49-pm Angela: Oh my gosh, it’s Britt 2.0! Wow, season of lookalikes, huh?… And she’s a model, sorry I’m getting Daniel flashbacks.

Prediction: Middle of the pack? I don’t see much substance from the girl who’d love to never have to drive anywhere herself again…

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-28-16-pm Astrid: aka a lookalike of Ashley I’s sister Lauren! Oh my gosh, producers what did you do??? Anyway, she’s now the third girl whose spirit animal is a dolphin!! Um, original thought much? She can’t live without “her mom, phone, lashes, yoga and red wine” aka she’s basic.

Prediction: International for sure, because she’s like every white American woman.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-32-24-pm Briana: Nurse– a good stable career. Seems very sweet, like she’ll make BFFs in the house. OH MY GOSH, SHE WOULD BE A DOLPHIN TOO???

Prediction: Final ten at least.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-34-46-pm Brittany: Seems normal. But, how is she the only one to get a “do you like camping” question? Where did that simplistic question come from? Was it Nick’s idea?

Prediction: Meh, middle of the pack.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-36-35-pm Christen: She’s from Oklahoma— does she know Chad??? Could Nick please ask her? Haha that could be a spinoff! Anyway, why did she say “dig it?” Weird. But, did she say “Wild Mustang” to try and be like Jade Tolbert?

Prediction: International dates.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-39-17-pm Corinne: Seems predictable. And did she say she loves Chicago, because that’s where Nick lives? Come on.

Prediction: I’m not quite sure how long she’ll last, because it seems like Nick likes brunettes (Andi, Kaitlyn, Jen…), but maybe she’ll stick around for a few dates in L.A.?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-41-47-pm Danielle L: She seems very basic as well.

Prediction: International dates maybe?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-43-11-pm Danielle M: Well, she’s age appropriate for Nick. Seems original in her responses… SAD STORY ALERT, she lost her fiance, I’m getting Juilia flashbacks– will I need tissues this season?

Prediction: Hometowns or final three? She seems original and deserving of love. #FortheRightReasons

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-46-05-pm Dominique: AND ANOTHER GIRL WHO WOULD BE OLIVIA POPE. Sorry, I’m getting tired of the repetitive, basic answers. Seems friendly though.

Prediction: A few L.A. dates. (cough cough, diversity quotient? I’m looking at you producers…)

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-48-34-pm Elizabeth “Liz”: Is this Jade Tolbert’s bestie/ maid of honor?? Answers so-so, meh. But she looks personable and nice. Looks like Nick’s type…

Prediction: Final three for sure.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-50-34-pm Elizabeth: She types with the “:)” emoji– is she a teenager? Seems super basic. But, WHY would you say your phobias that “would hinder certain dates??” Um, seems like the producers are planning to use those in deciding on dates, huh?

Prediction: International dates?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-53-30-pm Hailey: But, SHE LOOKS LIKE LACE! Unlike Lace, she seems to really be in tune with herself.

Prediction: L.A. dates?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-55-06-pm Ida Marie: Southern or country girl?? Yup, from Texas. Why does she have a tattoo of her dad’s birthday? Odd. Seems super young, like my age.

Prediction: Can’t get past night one.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-56-44-pm Jaimi: She’s catered the Oscars, that’s cool. For a chef, she’s a super picky eater with her diet plan… Seems normal, I’d root for her…

Prediction: A few weeks. See you in Paradise?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-2-58-57-pm Jasmine B: Seems friendly, normal. But, if she’s not willing to pursue a man (Nick), why is she here???

Prediction: First international date?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-00-29-pm Jasmine G: Seems basic. Meh, not impressed.

Prediction: Week two or three?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-01-44-pm Josephine: Poor girl, her bio says unemployed… I would never want it to say that, I’d sooner choose some fake hobby than advertise unemployment…

Prediction: She won’t make it past night one.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-03-36-pm Kristina: Well, she looks like Nick’s type…

Prediction: Final three.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-04-45-pm Lacey: OH GOD, if her limo exit is a pun on Lace from last season…. Anyway, watching Dancing With the Stars– good plug, ABC?

Prediction: U.S. travel date 1 or 2?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-14-12-pm Lauren: Looks Like Lauren B a tad. Seems predictable. AND SHE’D BE A DOLPHIN TOO???

Prediction: Hometowns.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-15-59-pm Michelle: Seems nice, personable. Looks very young.

Prediction: Middle of the pack?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-17-06-pm Olivia: SAD STORY ALERT (her ex was addicted to pills). Meh, kind of forgettable.

Prediction: L.A. dates? U.S. travel date?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-18-47-pm Rachel: Good stable career, age-appropriate. Seems like a Right Reasons girl, but IDK what Nick will think of her…

Prediction: International date 1?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-20-14-pm Raven: Getting a “wrong reasons” vibe from her photo alone…

Prediction: Middle of the pack?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-21-40-pm Sarah: Giving me Lauren H vibes, or is that just due to her being a teacher? Did she just quote “Annie” or did she really move to New York broke??? Sweet disposition.

Prediction: Um, international dates for sure.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-23-50-pm Susannah: Meh, average.

Prediction: International date 1?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-25-06-pm Taylor: One word answers, aka forgettable.

Prediction: Night two?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-27-57-pm Vanessa: Seems normal. But, yet really interested in the idea of a promise ring…

Prediction: She’ll stay a few weeks in L.A.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-3-29-33-pm Whitney: I can’t tell if this pose is leaning more villain/model or really shy to me?? Generic answers.

Prediction: Final three, maybe?

Well, this was way more fun to do with JoJo’s guys. This was boring. Nick’s girls are forgettable. No clear standouts either way… I guess I’ll have to watch more in January for Nick’s redemption shot, and what will likely be a third time to pick out a ring with Neil Lane!

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