Here We Go Again: Judging Clare Crawley’s Suitors on ‘The Bachelorette’ on First Glance [Updated]

Now that many places are starting to come out of quarantine and resume somewhat normal lives, it’s time for Bach Nation to get back on track. The Bachelorette, now set exclusively at a California resort, is set to resume filming with Clare Crawley’s journey with 42 brand-new suitors (sans Matt James for obvious reasons). Right before filming kicked off, the show revealed a sneak peek of the men vying for Clare’s heart. A few things: They did *slightly* age up her men, which thank god. Hopefully, that means less drama and more right-reasons folks. PLEASE. But then, there are only 12 POC contestants. Twelve out of 42 is barely .2 percent. Also, there’s barely any other diversity besides race and age. Like, IRL not everyone looks like models. Come on, ABC.

OK, rant time over. Now, that we have the official names, ages, hometowns, and headshots of these guys, it’s time for my annual thoughts based on first impressions alone. Obviously, I’m basing this post off of first impressions from a photo and whatever info I can Google about each man for now. But, once we get closer to a premiere and get an official bio and fast facts from the network, this post may be amended. (Then, hopefully, I can bring back my favorite “Can We Just” segment.)

Update:  As of September 29, ABC has given us the official lineup of the men that will be on the show, post-COVID quarantine, and their official bios, so we’re back to update this post.

AJ, 28, Software Salesman

Now, this Irvine, California native may still be a bit too naive or young for Clare. But, they do live only six hours apart. Could that help jumpstart a potential future and real life? Based on his photo, he looks very All-American and a picture-perfect white dude.

He has a private Instagram account, so we can’t do much snooping. But his bio reads, “Likable Lothario” which yikes, but also “future stay-at-home-dad.” Huh. It also boasts that he’s a college grad and a current MBA student.

Can We Just: Apparently, he “doesn’t show up to anything without doing his research.” So, how much research did he do on Bach Nation and Clare?


Alex, 28

This El Paso, Texas guy also skews on the younger side of things. Which, IDK. Again, a basic All-American white guy. He does look quite sweet and cute. I can see him being a hit in Paradise.

Another dude with a private Insta, but his bio boasts his interest in health and fitness, “good livin'” whatever he means by that, and that he has two lil pups and is a “dog dad.” If that’s not the definition of basic. He is on LinkedIn too, but only has 63 connections, so I’m not sure if he’s that into his professional career or genuinely doesn’t know how to use LinkedIn. However, his name’s been in the limelight because some eagle-eyed fans spotted that he’s been arrested quite a few times. So, like, ABC, are we doing background checks anymore?

**Not listed on cast bios**


Ben, 29, Army Ranger Veteran (Now, a Personal Trainer)

We’re aging up just a smidge with this Indianapolis guy. (Hey, do you know Ben Higgins? LOL.) Giving me weird hair vibes and I’m not into it.

He also as a private Insta page, but his bio describes him as “your coach.” Excuse me as I go throw up. And apparently, he’s a fitness trainer. Blech times two.

Can We Just: He loves his new job as a PT, blech. Oh, and he loves an ice bath.

 

 


Bennett, 37, Wealth Management Consultant

Here we go, we’re getting the age right! Finally. More men that could be on the same page as Clare. Praise be. He’s from Atlanta and seems bubbly and personable, but for some reason, I’m getting a smarmy vibe that maybe he’s too perfect?

Insta gives us no clues, but LinkedIn does. He’s a professional living in NYC with a real-life adult job. So, one step already. I thought I saw a too-perfect vibe, and I was right. His LinkedIn headshot, a degree from Harvard, yea, I feel that I was definitely right. I’m just confused: he graduated in 2007, and then immediately became a Senior VP for a major corporation in finance? I just have questions or he has no clue how LinkedIn works and inputted dates wrong. I’d give him a chance though because this picture from Facebook shows kind eyes and a smile. So, I guess maybe you can’t always judge a book by its cover. But, not even if it’s a slick one??

Can We Just: He calls himself the total package and hasn’t pursued a girl since high school, and pass.


Blake Monar, 30, Grooming Specialist

Another Indiana guy and he is tatted up. Seriously, his arms are covered. His hair’s doing a weird swoopy, pompadour thing which, eh. And I just get a bad boy, drama-centric vibe. But thanks to the network for giving us his last name that makes my sleuthing job much easier. Turns out, he is the President and CEO (humble much?) of a men’s grooming business in Phoenix called Statum Style. Oh no, is he a Nick Viall 2.0? Oh, and he models. Great.

Thanks to his modeling agency in Phoenix, we know now his height, measurements, eye color, and shoe size too, LOL. Oh, and in case you cared, his company Statum Style is all-natural.

Can We Just: “Blake Monar loves pancakes.” Enough said.


Blake Moynes, 29, Wildlife Manager

No, we really have two Blake M’s??? Ok, he doesn’t have tattoos and is from Ontario. So, we have Tatted Blake and Canadian Blake. That helps. In a shock to no one, this tall Canadian prospect was apparently a hockey player in college. Thank you, Google.

He has no known Insta page, which makes my quest for info more difficult. So, I guess we’re going in blind here. He works with endangered animals, which is so cute and sweet. How lovely.

Can We Just: Ninja Turtles! Yea, he really loves ’em.

 

 


Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Wow, he looks a little intense. This Cleveland, Ohio dude apparently doesn’t smile in casting photos and it makes him less than personable. Also, this is totally a photo you’d find on his Tinder. Oh someone, please come through and confirm this. Looks like a model or something, which, pass.

Based on his Insta, also private, he’s a luxury real estate agent and a model based in NYC. According to his firm’s site, he is interested in acting, art and architectural history, traveling, food, yoga, and skiing. I’ve read enough, I’m done.

Can We Just: “An Italian stallion in the prime of his life.” Ick. Oh, and he admits he has “abs of an A-list movie star,” ugh, can he go home now?


Brendan, 30, Commerical Roofer

No, and we have a Brandon and a Brendan? My head hurts already. The Massachusetts guy seems physically perfect and that’s really all I can gauge from a photo.

According to his Insta (still public!), he’s an artist, but like based on the photos, he’s also a model. Geez, we’re screwed then if most of her men are models. Aka classic wrong reasons types.

Can We Just: His friends call him “BMoney.” Just no. Oh, and he likes to rock turtlenecks.

 

 


Chasen, 31, IT Account Executive

He’s also from Cali, and just an hour from Clare. Good or bad, IDK yet. Looks like a model, so yea.

Based on his Insta, he’s into fitness and a tech consultant. Oh yea, and he models too. Because, obviously. But, he does seem to have a legit, real-person job, so there’s that.

Can We Just: He. Wants. A. Golden. Doodle. Puppy. Now, that’s what you put in a bio! Gah, I wanna see the puppy pics once he gets the lil guy.

 

 

 


Chris, 27, Landscape Design Salesman

He’s from St. Louis, Missouri. OMG, where did he go to high school? I need to know. That would supremely help out his first impression. He may bring the median age down, but like I just need to know about his background in my hometown. Would give me plenty of insight.

Other than that, I literally cannot find anything about him on social media. So, I guess, I’m going in blind here too.

Can We Just: He “loves camping, but won’t go for longer than three days at a time.” Um, okay, a bit of contradiction, but alrighty then.

 

 


Collins, 30

He’s from Midlothian, Virginia and his arms are massive and he has an intense (scary?) wide smile.

There’s nothing much I can find on this dude besides his Instagram account or a couple of weightlifting training videos. So, yea, my first impression doesn’t bode well from that. Although it seems like his grandparents were in the hospital four weeks ago, right before he left for ABC quarantine. I do hope everything will be okay, because my stomach would be in knots every day I’m on a reality show knowing something could happen back home while I’m on the opposite coast.

***Not listed on cast bios**

 


Dale, 31, Former Pro Football Wide Receiver

He’s from Brandon, South Dakota, and is that a first for the show?? He seems nice and normal. While his IG is private, turns out he’s VERIFIED already. He’s actually a former NFL player and now is a model and a host, plus an ambassador for the Special Olympics. He’s giving me Clay vibes but like I’d actually root for him. That smile and he doesn’t seem too cocky, just the right amount of normal. Yea, I’m on his team. If Clare doesn’t pick him, can he be the Bachelor lead after Matt James? I’d watch that season.

Can We Just: His favorite game is Hungry Hungry Hippos, well, I didn’t know that.

 

 


Demar, 26, Spin Cycling Instructor

Hey, look a baby for the class! He’s from San Diego and I just get a feeling that he’s still in that party, going out stage of life. Based on his IG, I was a little nervous about the @djfromsocal handle, that he’d be a tool or a cocky DJ but it’s just his initials. He’s educated with a Bachelors and a Masters. Yay, we stan driven contestants! Except hold your horses, his bio advertises something called the Madison, which is a “Party on a Bike: partying you won’t regret the next day.” Oof, I retract my previous affirmative stance. Oh, and he models too. Ugh.

Can We Just: Dream job is a DJ on the Vegas Strip. Cough cough, wrong reasons.

 


Ed, 36, Healthcare Salesman

Age-appropriate, yes. But, geez, his arms. They are massive and the veins are popping out. Good lord. So clearly, this Pittsburgh guy works out a lot. I can’t seem to find any other deets on this dude, but my gut is saying no. I’m getting like a Chad meets Jed vibe, which is like the biggest red flag EVER.

Can We Just: He loves all-inclusive resorts, so I guess this is the perfect season for him, huh?

 

 

 


Ellis, 26

Oh, look at lil’ ginger baby Ellis. The 26-year-old from Libertyville, Illinois has quite the baby face, which hinders me from seeing him as someone ready for marriage and a lifetime commitment. You know, Ellis, it’s hard to stalk, erm you know, research you when your name is the same as a street in your town. Gah, whatevs for now.

His IG presence is private, yet gives me a first and last name so I can find out his LinkedIn deets and previous college basketball record. Lol and in case you were wondering, I’m third connections with the Dallas-living sales executive hahahaha.

**Not listed on cast bios**


Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Age is definitely in the right zone with this Fort Lauderdale, Florida dude. Giving me Kenny vibes from Rachel’s season. They look alike in the faces.

Based on his IG bio, Garin is an Emmy-nominated journalist who writes for THISISRNB.com, and is also a host, director, and professor at USC. He’s a freelancer in LA, but hey, same state as Clare. It does say he’s a “nice guy finishing first,” which okay, hun, I can roll with that.

Can We Just: Also, he’s a part-time DJ!

 


Gary, 29

He’s from Cleveland, Ohio, and seems like a professional. Also, the provided Facebook photo looks blurry and I can’t tell much else. Have no strong opinion on him with a blurry photo and no social clues to search.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

This Dallas guy seems fine, a bit basic. Meh. And definitely on the skinnier side. He’s an engineer, as it said on his private IG’s bio. We’re also third connections on LinkedIn, LOL, but he’s wearing a cute pair of glasses in his headshot and he definitely needs to wear those full time. Glasses can make most guys more attractive. What, it’s true.

Can We Just: “Recovered Croc Enthusiast” should have been his career. Tsk, tsk, producers.

 

 

 


Jason, 31, Former Pro Football Lineman

They are really delivering on the age thing, which thank god. He’s from Rutland, Vermont, and is he our first one? He’s got some large ink on his bicep, so we’ll see what Clare thinks of that. But, he seems genuine and honest, like he’s looking for something real. I’d vote for him to get a couple of roses from Clare.

Another verified Insta dude for Clare. His bio reads, “A regular at Wegmans buffet line and WaWa. URI alum. Former fat guy for the NFL/CFL player.” So, we’ve got another former footballer. He seems basic but a good friend and family guy, which bonus points, man.

Can We Just: He can have fun anywhere he goes. Hm, I’d like to test that, sir, because actually any situation is the question I have for you.


Jay, 29, Fitness Director

He’s from Langhorne, Pennsylvania, and seriously he’s like a Tyler C. clone. I cannot unsee it. Apparently, he’s private on Insta with no real bio and ick, I get bro-y vibes based on his profile photo.

Can We Just: PT, blech. Also, he calls every Drake song a “banger.” So, there’s that.

 

 

 

 


Jeremy, 40, Banker

What? They actually found someone in their forties?? Gobsmacked. He’s from Virginia Beach and aside from the weird Facebook photo seems normal-ish. They better not send him to Paradise with the 20-year-olds from Peter’s season, please no.

His Insta tells me nothing, legit nothing. Just that it’s the same guy because his headshot looks like him, and oh, that he has a little line or something tattooed on his arm. Oh, turns out, he’s got a real job. Score one.

Also, he hates Insta models and his love language is witty banter, so I’m on TEAM JEREMY. Well, for T*****, because Clare rumors.

Can We Just: The producers literally mentioned he’s the oldest contestant ever on the show, so eye roll.


Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Dr. Joe! He’s from North Woodmere, New York, and just seems decent and like he’d be mature.

Thanks to a local news article, they’ve already dug up this dirt on this suitor. He’s an anesthesiologist, which like, a real grown-up job! IDK if Clare’s gonna fancy him but he seems like a stable, mature contender.

Can We Just: He fought and survived COVID. Hero status. And he hates girls who litter. Just a good guy. Just going to leave this here: “He once was voted Top 20 Most Eligible Doctors and Medical Professionals in New York City.”

 


Jordan C., 26, Software Account Executive

He’s from Southington, Connecticut, and he’s got glasses. A four-eyed friend! I think that’s a show first? You know, someone wearing more than just readers in the early hours?

Based on his IG, I’m definitely getting bro vibes. Oh yea, that’s for sure. He’s a big sports guy apparently, which like join the club, man. Meh, nothing else noteworthy to report.

Can We Just: Wants a girl to go to the gym with, man, oh buddy, just when your glasses were starting to win me over…

 

 


Jordan M., 30, Cyber Security Engineer

Geez, how many Jordans too? He’s from Deerborn, Michigan, but there’s something about his vibe that I don’t 100 percent trust right away. He just looks menacing and like he’s mean-mugging. I wish he’d smile, then I could get a better vibe/read off of him.

Different from his mean mug photo, his LinkedIn looks more personable and friendly. Meh, not bad. His official cast photo also looks way better.

Can We Just: His favorite Sunday activity is cleaning, he’s already a winner!

 


Josh, 31

I swear, there’s something in this Minneapolis, Minnesota-based dude’s face that reminds me of a guy that lived on my dorm floor my freshman year of college. Well, I cannot unsee that now. But, dimples alert! OK, back to the real him. He seems normal and basic, a bit too slick, I think. Also, another man with a legit job. Thank god. His Insta claims he’s a doggy dad, and his doggo Kingsley is a precious lil pooch. I mean, he’s a cutie doggy.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Karl, 33

I’m pretty sure this Miami guy lives in a high-rise, or at least has a friend in one that lets him take photos there. He also has massive arms.

While his IG is private, I’m getting bad vibes because he put a freaking rose emoji next to his name! Like, he wants to be recognized from the show. No no no! #NoMoreWannabeInfluencers. Aside from that, he’s a speaker and a “success coach” who’s founded his own firm and passionate about that, which you do you, hun.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 


Kenny, 39, Boy Band Manager

Nope, buh-bye. This dude from Oaklawn, Illinois gives me so many red flags, from the muscle tank, tattoo sleeves, shiny forehead (one word: skincare!), huge muscles, and a gelled-up hairstyle. Please, don’t do it, Clare. Consider this my official warning for you. Also, you know this photo was ripped straight from his Tinder profile.

According to his IG, he’s got a bad-boy-looking headshot and he’s a talent buyer, a “band maker,” and a model. GAH, why why why. Also, would like to point out that Chris Harrison has presumably admitted that he saw Kenny naked on the show, so, um just gonna leave that there and run.

Can We Just: He hates cheese, just … just leave right now, sir.


Mike, 38, Digital Media Advisor

Okay, I like this guy from Calgary in Canada. He seems sweet and kind, has nice hair, and a lovely smile. Ohh, Canada. I hope slick former fiance Benoit doesn’t spring to her mind when she meets him. But, I really like this one.

I swear, no critiques here because he’s my top pick and sorta reminds me of Tanner Tolbert, just like a wholesome and nice guy type. His IG doesn’t reveal anything. Wait, noooo, he apparently has a profesh Insta as a “Digital Media Content Creator” with a website that doesn’t exist. Shit, I hope he’s not here to build a brand. Crap, I need him to be a good one and prove my picker is not broken.

Can We Just: He’s a Shania Twain fanboy, haha, yas. We love to see ’em embrace the fangirl life.


Montel, 30

He’s from Hingham, Massachusetts, and has a lovely, very white smile. Almost, distractedly so, like blinding. And damn, he’s a personal trainer. Big into fitness and lifting weights, which makes sense because arms, but like, pass.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 

 

 


Noah, 25

Oh, here’s our little baby of the group! In fact, that’s literally his Insta handle. He’s from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and is definitely here to head to Paradise to meet either Hannah Ann, Madison, or Hannah Brown. Guaranteed.

So, he’s a travel nurse, which like good for him. And apparently, he’s got a twin. In case you wanted to know. He’s um, very religious and kinda preachy.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Page, 37, Chef

I’m getting Evan Bass vibes from this Sante Fe, New Mexico guy. I just, but you know, it all worked out for Evan in the end. So, I’m keeping my mouth shut on that. Also, he has a lot of tats and a weird Evan-like slicked-back hairdo. Definitely an artsy, hipster vibe.

Hold the phone, he’s a chef? And like, an acclaimed one at that. Damn, can we get a cooking date? Please, ABC? Also, he’s one of the two single dads this year.

Can We Just: He likes both pizza and caviar, just not together. Um, well, duh.

 


Peter, 32

Another perfect-looking Peter here! Is that a rule or something, like if you name your kid Peter then he has to be perfect-looking?? #PerfectPeterStrikesAgain. He’s from Everett, Massachusetts, and just wow, that is so much physical beauty, objectively. He’s clean-shaven and his hair is coiffed to perfection, different from many of these rugged, tatted-up guys he’ll be living in the resort with.

Professionally, he’s a real estate advisor and very confident in his profesh accomplishments. Like, I can’t look at him because he’s just like too handsome.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 


Riley, 30, Attorney

I just love this Detroit lad’s name. Also he seems down-to-earth and normal. He seems approachable, friendly, and chill. Like he’d have your back. No further deets to report other than he’s got a real job and multiple degrees. He seems decent like he’s here to find love, but is also a decent friend to the guys. Good on you, hun.

Can We Just: He “knows all the lyrics to ‘Call Me Maybe'” which, um is that impressive or embarrassing?

 

 

 


Robby, 31, Insurance Broker

I’m getting Blake E meets Tickle Monster vibes for this man from St. Pete Beach, Florida. IDK what it is, but yea, it’s there. And meh, not much of a fan. Also, seriously questioning the photographer’s skills because it’s framed poorly.

I’m getting all sorts of bro vibes from his Insta, which like I’m gonna pass on this one. He was a frat bro and works for what I assume is a family company which like, is that good family values or nepotism, IDK. Also, he’s a model who cites his biggest accomplishment as posing for GQ mag, so there’s that. Cough cough, wrong reasons.

Can We Just: According to Chris Harrison, Nick Viall referred him to the show. LOLOLOL I need more answers.


Spencer, 30

This dude from La Jolla, California looks like Trevor from Listen to Your Heart. Very visually pleasing physically and wow, what a busy and distracting shirt. But, like piercing eyes. I mean, piercing, wow.

And we’ve got another bro out here! His Insta tells that story all too well. But with only sixty posts, I can’t get too much of a read on him.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 

 


Tien, 36

He’s from Great Neck, New York, and quite the skinny dude. But, also dimples. This coloring of this photo looks like one of the OBC of Hamilton‘s star portraits of the Schuyler sisters in the sepia tone. Can’t unsee that one.

No Insta, but a real job. So definite benefits and someone who doesn’t wanna be an influencer.

**Not listed on cast bios**

 

 


Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

Another Tyler C.?? He’s from Gassaway, West Virginia, and just seems like a basic, muscly guy. Totally average Bach suitor, for sure.

While he used to be a professional boxer, now he’s an attorney. Which, like, yay, real job alert! Ohhh tea time, Chris Harrison says right off the bat on Night One, he’s got some dirt on another dude and reveals it. I can’t wait.

Can We Just: A Matthew McConaughey stan. Well, I’m not sure why you admitted that you are a Stan.

 

 


Tyler S., 36, Music Manager

Tyler No. 2 is here, y’all! He’s from Dallas and went to the same high school as Chris Harrison. He has a lil’ baby face, so he looks a lot younger. Apparently, his brother is Granger Smith, a country singer? Hm, need to do more digging on this. Yea, and he’s also his bro’s manager and a proud uncle. Thank you, detailed Insta bios. So, I’m sensing like a Jordan Rodgers vibe. He’s cute, seems normal and friendly. Yea, I can see something happening with Clare and some chemistry. But, LOL, could they get his bro to sing on a date for them? Even if it’s just over Zoom! I mean, he manages him, so wouldn’t it be his job to bring this chance to his brother, I mean, client?? Aww sweetie, because Chris Harrison called him well-liked and so polite. Aww.

Can We Just: His mom has to approve any girl he dates … by looking at said girl’s Instagram. Um, okay???


Uzoma “Eazy”, 29, Sports Marketing Agent

He’s from Dallas and is suave. I just get Lincoln vibes, which I hope not, because he was gross. And oh dear old, yet another former NFL player who’s verified on Insta?? I mean, sure he’s good-looking but IDK if he’s right for Clare, ya know?

He’s looking for a queen, which aww, but also, hmm is that a line, sir? Also, he’s seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy, which, like good taste. But, I see you sneaky ABC producers, trying to link the show page to this one…

Can We Just: “No one hypes Eazy up better than himself.” ‘Nuff said.

 


Yosef, 30, Medical Device Salesman

He’s from Mobile, Alabama, and I’m getting model vibes. But also, what does his accent sound like? I need to know. But, I swear if this isn’t a modeling photo. Because that’s all I see here.

I can’t get a good read on him. His IG is private, save for his profile photo which is him with a cute little girl, which is presumably his daughter or niece or sister or something. Confirmed, his daughter, a 4-year-old called Zara. So, family’s a priority, I guess. Which, like that’s nice. But oh man, he also gets into drama this season, ugh.

Can We Just: “As a kid, Yosef loved his Velcro sneakers.” That’s the fun fact Adult Yosef is gonna go with?

 


Zac C., 36, Addiction Specialist 

Oh, I like him and can see him going far. He’s from Haddonfield, Pennsylvania, and just seems normal and authentic. Ok, Team Zac C. for now.

Can’t tell much but apparently he’s got a nice, emotional backstory, so he’ll likely appear when the show airs. He’s overcome a lot and aww, I hope he gets the love story he deserves. “Tremendous story. Great guy,” according to Chris Harrison.

Can We Just: He’s a sneakerhead. Oh lord, why are we admitting that?

 

 


Zach J., 37, Cleaning Service Owner

He’s from Yakima, Washington, which reminds me of iCarly. Hey, I’m a young Millennial! Big guy with big, veiny arms, tight tees, and hair that sticks straight up.

He’s got his hands deep in his pockets! Which of course reminds me of the camp song “Turtle Song” about the turtle with his hands in his pockets and his pockets in his pants? Sorry, my brain is weird. So, now I’ll be singing that every time I see Zach on screen this season.

Back to Zach, he’s a business owner and values his family, which thank ya, Instagram. Oh, yea, his company as already promoted his Bach appearance. Cool beans, Mr. Wannabe Influencer. Apparently, He has an explosive Night One entrance that earns him a nickname that sticks. Yikes.

Can We Just:  He once broke his nose walking into a glass door. Hahahaha, I mean, thanks for the laugh, but I don’t get why you feel the need to share that Mr. I Hate Jazz Music But Am Obsessed With Chapstick.


And that’s the ball game! What did you think of Clare’s official 31 guys and who will earn the First Impression Rose or steal her heart? And more importantly, will things be less dramatic and more earnest so I’ll want to keep watching? Also, are the rumors all true, and if so, what is in store coming up this season of the “most dramatic” season of The Bachelorette??

Roasting the New Crop of Suitors on Season 15 of “The Bachelorette”

It’s that time again: the Bachelor Mansion has once again opened its doors to one eligible lady and a brand-new crop of 30 suitors clamoring for her attention and potential hand in marriage.

Before next week kicks off the season, let’s meet the guys. You know the drill by now: based exclusively on the headshots and brief bios, I will run through my first impressions and judgments of these men looking to date 24-year-old former beauty queen and recent college graduate Hannah “Beast” Brown. Let’s get started.

First off, here’s a brief look at each guy giving their best Hannah growling impression (is that supposed to be impressive? k, pls let me know, thx) and a sappy AF pick-up line, which turn around and go. Bye.

Now, the men:

Brian, 30

The Kentucky math teacher, guess what? Likes math. PASS. I mean this line is nice and all: “Brian is passionate about helping his students achieve their dreams and is hoping this journey will lead him to his dream woman,” but like, numbers. Nah, you lost me. But all in all, seems like an all-American yet slightly dorky white male.

Cam, 30

We met him at AFTR, where he rapped and got the first First Impression rose. My feelings were lukewarm even then. His bio stresses he is competitive, the life of the party, and loves The Notebook. Nice to meet you, Cam, and allow me to show you the door. Bye.

Chasen, 27

The Michigan-based pilot apparently chose his career because “women love a man in a uniform.” That’s why you chose your profession? NEXT, puh-lease. He is also a Bach superfan, so you know he can’t wait for his eps to air. Hey, you’ll be posting teasers on Insta weekly, amirite??

Connor J., 28

First off you know it’s a very basic and white season when there are multiple men with the names Connor, Luke, and Tyler. Moving on to lucky bachelor Connor J. His bio says he’s a Southern gentlemen and apparently has manners up the wazoo, but like, isn’t that something all guys say to try and land a girl?

Connor S., 24

He has Bieber fever! I feel like that says it all. Can I inquire what era is his favorite? Like shaggy-haired “Baby-“singing J.Biebs is completely different from mugshot, homeless-looking Biebs. And then, this line just rubs me the wrong way: “Not only is he easy on the eyes,” I just can’t.

Daron, 25

An IT consultant, he–of course– is a former college athlete and self-proclaimed “giant teddy bear.” Clay vibes, anyone??

Devin, 27

The talent manager (maybe he can manage the up-and-coming influencer careers of his soon-to-be housemates??) seems to really take value in love and finding his person. Oh, and also, Wills (from Boring Becca’s season) is a dear friend. Because how dear of a friendship could it be if all of ABC’s viewers didn’t know about it??

Dustin, 30

He just wants love, and by someone who will meet the approval of his mama and precious pooch.

Dylan, 24

This is just a sea of basic AF white boys, isn’t it?? The “handsome engineer” (I swear to god it actually said that.) founded a fitness company. PASS. Wait, dude can cook? Gotta circle back. (I mean, if you’ll feed me, aka a girl who can barely boil water, all can be forgotten.)

Garrett, 27

He is a pro golfer. And yawn. Also, an Alabama native. If he and Hannah get to talking, what are the odds ABC will subtitle them with their respective accents?

Grant, 30

OH, POOR BUDDY. His career is actually listed as unemployed. Yo, ABC, no fake or made-up title? Poor guy. I just can’t let it go. But, dude “has a hard time believing that any young guy who comes on The Bachelorette is ‘here for the right reasons,’ and he plans to call them out on it.” And so, I guess he’ll be shit-stirring the pot a bit?

Hunter, 24

Stand back Mr. Pro Golfer, we got a Pro Surfer ready to catch a wave into Hannah’s heart… (ABC, did I get your bio formula right?? Would you hire me? LOLOLOL). And he still lives at home with the ‘rents, so is he ready for marriage?

Jed, 25

This definitely-country boy is a singer-songwriter. Aw, our first one this season! I’m getting– what’s the country one’s name from seasons past– vibes? (Oh, Joshua with the leg tat from Idaho from JoJo’s season and Joe from Kaitlyn’s season, right? It’s the country boy thing.) I swear, drinking game for every time he shows up in a leather jacket this season!

Joe, 30

His career is “The Box King,” and I’m sorry, what? Oh, his family has a cardboard box business, okay, I guess that makes sense then. His cockiness, not so much. I’m sorry Joe but Bach Nation has room for only one Joe from Chi-town in our hearts: and that’s Grocery Story Joe.

Joey, 33

The old man of this batch of men is ready to settle down, minivan and all. Hey, Joey, if you show up to the mansion night one in a minivan, we’ll all know you just copied Garrett (the winner from last season), just saying…

John Paul Jones, 24

Why put your full name, unless you consider this your brand, acting audition, or whatever BS you label it as? His bio is basically one long, running gag about his three-word name. K, can you talk about anything else? Interests? Passions? Job? Family? Anything? Anything?

Jonathan, 27

He’s a server in LA, so basically an aspiring actor, right?? Another life of the party, always-clubbing dude, and I’m over it. Bye.

Kevin, 27

This small town guy had me saying “damn” to his career: “He works as a behavioral health specialist for the army, helping vets deal with trauma.” Mazel tov. And then, he enjoys “pumping iron” and travels… to the gym a lot. Check, please.

Luke P., 24

He’s looking extra Colton-like, right? This “good Christian boy” (I swear this info is coming direct LOL) really wants a wife, especially after some mysterious “religious awakening” in college, because sure.

Luke S., 29

He wishes he could be Nick Viall. He’s a political fundraiser, lover of tequila, apparently “once hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush” and continues to talk about it all the time, and made a very inappropriate upon meeting Hannah on AFTR for the first time. Thank u, next.

Matt Donald, 26

First off, shame on ABC. You write this line: “Matt’s brother and parents are deaf, and he grew up speaking sign language.” And immediately follow it up with “We love a man that can communicate what he’s thinking with his hands without ever saying a word, and we think Hannah will too.” Boo. Thumbs down for the network. Onto him, woah, coming on really strong by saying he “loves Hannah and he hasn’t even met her.” No thanks to him and the network’s lack of a PC bio.

Matteo, 25

The guy founded a VR tech start up, has lived all over the world, is a strong and silent type, once chugged milk for a talent show, and oh yea, is a “sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families.” Ya know, just casually throw that in there.

Matthew, 23

He’s a “Car Bid Spotter” and I have legit no clue what that means. Auctioneering. A “Bid Spotter,” what? He has lots of tattoos, has never been out of the country, and enjoys exercising, and hanging with friends or his little sister, who is an actual toddler. And that about sums him up.

Mike, 31

This very energetic vet has a lot of swag and energy for all types of active activities. See ya later.

Peter, 27

Another pilot of the group. Do you think the two have ever crossed paths, or in the sky? You know, before living in a Cali mansion together and dating the same beauty queen? Also, how is your granny’s name a fun fact about you? He apparently is a fan of line dancing, which would immediately rule out a potential date in my eyes.  (Hey, my friend once twisted her ankle learning a line dancing. It’s dangerous, I’ve seen it firsthand!)

Ryan, 25

He’s a “Roller Boy,” no explanation given, but hey, dude, can I get one? He’s a risk-taker and adventurous, but hates birds. Nice to meet ya there, hope you enjoy your car ride home after a short journey.

Scott, 28

A Windy City native with spiky, gelled-up hair. He calls himself a catch and that’s all I need to bolt. But, he admires Kris Jenner, so before I split, can you please hand in an 1,000-word essay to the class on why you look up to the momager and savvy business mogul?

Thomas, 27

He’s not just a pro basketballer, he’s an international pro basketball player. Should I be oohing here? FOR A YEAR. He played pro ball overseas for ONE year, and that’s the career the show goes with??

Tyler C., 25

A former football player, and TBH, Hannah should run away from a guy boasting how he was almost in the NFL. No one wants a Colton repeat. *shudders*

Tyler G., 28

He’s laidback and would rather read than go clubbing. I’m on board. *keeps reading* He’s a Crossfitter and relaxes on his own boat. I retract my previous statement, y’all.

All in all, what a bunch of duds in this group. I wasn’t the most outspoken Hannah for Bachelorette supporter, but I honestly feel sorry for her. Because these guys are bland, and basic, and frankly not “here for the right reasons.” What can I say, I call it like I see it.

As much as I thought Colton and Becca’s respective seasons would be my last as a dutiful member of Bachelor Nation, honestly, the first look at the season has reeled me back in, and I’m here for the drama that’s coming, not for the journey or any potential to find an S.O. for a suitable amount of time before your Instagram blue checkmark arrives. So, I guess, I’ll see y’all on Monday nights.