As you may know about me by now, my guilty pleasure (if you can call it “guilty”) is all things reality TV, especially it’s holy grail The Bachelor/ The Bachelorette.
And recently, ABC has released photos and bios of the 26 men competing for the chance to date (and eventually propose to) this season’s Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher, who many will remember as the second woman Bachelor Ben Higgins said he loved and then promptly dumped to pick her competition, Lauren B.
And since #BachelorNation (me included) pretty much just watched the show to judge contestants and to see the insane drama, I thought I’d start with a post all about my first impressions of the men, straight from their ABC bio pages, exclusively.
The obligatory group shot! Trying hard to figure out which outfit to judge harder: the santa suit or the guy that decided to steal JoJo’s look– and stand right next to her so they look like twins??
Let’s start analyzing her guys:
Alex: 25-year-old U.S. Marine (good, noble career), seems normal, like a good guy.
Prediction: should make it pretty far, but probably will tragically get cut for not getting his fair time, so Chris Harrison will likely ship him out to Mexico for the next installment of Bachelor in Paradise, much like Tanner (1/2 of Janner).
Ali: 27-year-old bartender (so not a totally stable career), also how do you pronounce his name (is it Ah-lee? or Ali? Is he Prince Ali aka Aladdin??), AND if the first words that follow “I love it when my date” is “dresses sexy,” PLEASE move along– you don’t want a woman who’s firstly intelligent, humorous, sweet, kind, generous, or one of a million better descriptions?
Prediction: there a few solid weeks at least?
Brandon: the 28-year-old who listed his career as “hipster.” No joke. Well, he does have that vibe down…
Prediction: First or second night exit limo??
Chad: Right off the bat, I’m thinking this guy will be an uber-jerk and trouble. I mean, isn’t the name “Chad” such a red-flag name? Not mention the name of JoJo’s still-into-her ex-boyfriend from Ben’s season. Case in point from his bio, he answered THREE separate questions the exact same: Who do you admire most in the world and why? “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” and “If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.”
Prediction: For some unknown, JoJo will probably keep him around through international dates, you know for ratings. But if he’s bugging me now with a photo, a name and answers to written questions- I’m over him.
Chase: He just looks like a good guy. Like you can tell the 27-year-old sales rep respects women, is there for the right reasons and is ready to settle down. #TeamChase for the final rose.
Prediction: My ideal Bachelor bracket would probably have him at the end.
Christian: Seems pretty cookie-cutter. His bucket list answer is sweet, though: ” 1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.”
Prediction: He’s probably only there as the “diverse” contestant. Am I close, Bachelor producers?
First off, what type of name is “Coley??” And second, odd-shaped head. (Hey, I warned you this is all purely my first impressions!! Raw.) Meh, nothing really sticks out.
Prediction: Middle of the pack? Or third elimination?
Derek: Well, he looks like most every past Bachelorette contestant, right?!? Seems average, but one question: who has a deep fear of “fluffy kittens??” Red flag on that one, dude. #TeamDerek please.
Prediction: Should make it pretty far and will likely get eliminated for not having enough time, before being sent by Chris Harrison to meet Ben Higgins’ reject in Paradise in August…
Daniel: He looks like a male model or at least a bartender. Please tell me I’m right. –And yes I am. His answers make me take an immediate disliking to him. Case in point: Tattoos? “No, same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo” AND Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? “Very comfortable. Why have a lamb if you park in the garage?” Cocky much, dude? Hard pass on this guy.
Prediction: He’ll make it at least halfway and cause all the drama for being “better looking than the rest,” similar to JJ from Kaitlyn’s season.
Evan: Oh, his career is—- “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” Ohhhhkayyyyyy…… How’d he explain on television? Just curious. Remember Kaitlyn’s “Amateur Sex Coach” didn’t advance past night one… Also, he said he’s want to be Trump for the day “to see what the heck is in that guy’s head.” Okay?? And his favorite type of dancing is “booty???” (As if I knew what that really was.) And how is “being in touch with [your] sexual energy” an answer to Are You a Romantic? *backing away slowly*
Prediction: Fifth guy to get the boot?
Grant: The firefighter at first glance is definitely physically attractive. Point one to him. His answers are sweet and cute… I mean his greatest achievement in life is “saving a life.” No, duh– he’s a fireman.
Prediction: Again, the diversity guy, but he’ll probably last the longest of all the diverse guys, TBH.
Jake: He answered Where do you see yourself in five years? with “Married to the Bachelorette with our first child.” JoJo, run away fast! He’s already thinking marriage to YOU before you even meet– huge red flag.
Prediction: Another diversity candidate who probably won’t last long, TBH. (Not that I think diversity is bad, I’m basing my predictions based on the past seasons of the show.)
James #1 (fine, F.): Looks like a poor man’s Farmer Chris Soules. Right?? (Might just be the shirt, but I’m not quite sure.) Answers: meh.
Prediction: Middle of the pack?
James #2 (I mean, S.): His occupation is literally listed as “Bachelor Superfan!!” Literally. Which is code for unemployed, am I right? Also, JoJo– red flag alert! If he’s a superfan, how do you know he’s not here just for the sake of being here??
Prediction: Night 3 going home.
James #3 (Oh, Taylor. Why does he get to go by both names?): If he’s not a singer-songwriter with that name… And shocker, of course he is.. And, for the love of God, his favorite flower is a “red rose…” Oh, please be kidding.
Prediction: Will make it the farthest of all the James. Middle of the pack? International Date 1?
Jonathan: Eh. Not standing out.
Prediction: Won’t make it out of L.A., if past the first night at all.
Jordan: The most publicized contender as a former pro football player and the younger brother of a professional NFL’er. (Don’t you dare ask me who. You’re lucky I know quarterback is in football, which is the NFL.) Cutest answer of who he admires: “My grandparents. They broke the mold after their generation. They are the most loving people and best example of love and selflessness.” Bonus point for that.
Prediction: Oh, he’ll go international for those dates, for sure, perhaps even to hometowns…
Luke: If he’s not a male model…. Unclear, but he is a war veteran, so how could producers mess with his image? (EASILY. Just ask Jubilee from Ben’s season, which I’m still not over.) But his photo is giving him “villain” status… You know I’m right…
Prediction: Middle of the pack?
Nick #1: (Oh, I’m sorry B.): Seriously another one who’s favorite flowers are the “red roses [he’ll] received from the Bachelorette???” Over that.
Prediction: Middle of the pack, absolutely. Boring, so he’ll probably make it through L.A. and make the first U.S. destination?
Nick #2 (Okay, S.): Reading very college frat boy in this picture to me. Has some sweet answers, and he’s obviously a decent person if he’s an Eagle Scout, but if that, a high school accomplishment, is the greatest achievement to date for a 26-year-old, that might be sad…
Prediction: He’ll make it abroad, but won’t make it to hometowns.
Peter: Ehhhh…. Note for Peter: saying your greatest achievement is being “promoted at every job” makes you look a little cocky, in my opinion.
Prediction: He’ll at least stay through L.A. weeks.
Robby: He’s a former competitive swimmer, so he’s unemployed now? But, yea, he definitely has the swimmer vibe, oh that’s just his hair. Seems very sweet, but looks almost too perfect/ too good to be reality?
Prediction: Hometowns at least.
Sal: Nothing sticks out here. Totally an Average Joe.
Prediction: He can’t get passed night one.
Vinny: If the first thing I thought of when reading your name is “Jersey Shore,” that’s not good, buddy. Seems like a “bro.” Pass.
Prediction: Leaves on one of the first two nights.
Wells: First, what type of name is Wells? Is that a real name? Did his parents happen to like wells or they had one at home? I’m more interested in how he got that name… Oh, is it a DJ nickname? If that’s the case: red flag– nicknamed guys never fare well. And how do you not like pizza????
Prediction: Leaves on second or third night.
Lastly, Will: looks very average for a Bachelorette contestant. Answers fine.
Prediction: Middle of the pack?
So, there’s some keepers, some to toss out immediately and some middle-ground guys. What are your thoughts and this season’s crop of contenders? Will JoJo find her dream husband here? Should be an interesting season, you know I’ll be watching.